mental illness

All posts tagged mental illness

We Made It. (repost) #NSPW17

Posted by Hope Rising on September 16, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

To those whose stories look mine,

We are alive. We made it. When your world crumbles at your feet, and your lungs are weighed down with the pressure of a million disappointments, and your heart is far too broken to pump one more ounce of blood, sometimes there only seems as if there is one choice. But if you are reading this and you have survived the darkest day(s) of your life, then I say this to you:

We are more than survivors,We are WARRIORS. Because it not been easy to pick up the pieces of our lives and place them back together. Not in the way in they once were, but into a beautiful glorious masterpiece. Yes there will be scars, there will be cracks in our crevices, but still we are beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. And i know its not easy, and I know some days you still want to give up, and you don’t yet see that beauty. But know this: You have touched my life, you have made a difference just by being in it.

We have made it this far. and that is the testament to the fight that is within us, even when we don’t think we have the strength to fight anymore. So on the days that you feel like giving up, remember how far you have come. Remember how much you are loved. Remember that someone out there can’t imagine their life without you in it.

I know that it is not easy, because I walk the same road. But never once think that you fight this alone. You don’t have to give in to the thoughts of destruction. I promise you this life, is worth fighting for. Things take time. It isn’t going to be perfect. And it wont seem better right away. But if you are willing to fight, dear warrior. I’ll stand right beside you and wage war.

 

To Close out National Suicide Prevention Week I wanted to share this piece of spoken word poetry that I absolutely love. I believe in power of words, for in the depths of my own despair someone took the time to speak HOPE and LIFE into me. A year ago I came across this spoken word poetry and I could not help but be brought to tears. I urge you to take a few minutes out of your day and just watch this video and let the words move you.

 

 

 

We have made it this far. Let us make the promise to ourselves and each other, that we will fight for our tomorrows.

 

The Overnight 2016

Posted by Hope Rising on June 28, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

And I will stay up through the night
And let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my life
Sia- Elastic Heart

June 4th, 2016 I completed my 4th Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention. It was probably the most difficult one for me to date. Emotionally and physically, there were so many times I wanted to quit, but I had to convince my body keep fighting, to keep pushing through and make it to the end. Because I knew deep down inside that this year’s journey was so much more than about the miles that I would tackle. It was about breakthrough. It was about facing the things I did not want to face, feeling the emotions I have tucked away in the recesses of my mind because I was afraid they would break me. I knew that if I could face my fears, I could finally put the past behind me.

I could have given up. I could have decided that my body deserved a break. I could have decided that pain was going to win the fight. I could have decided to push the past under the rug where it had been hiding for years.

But I chose to fight.
I chose to walk through the fire.
To face my past.
To face everything that has been done to me.
and everything I have done  to myself in return.
To be honest about the path it has taken me to get to this place.

 

8 miles in and I had to face the past. On the Brooklyn Bridge.
Pain came in waves. In images. and grief that landed like a sucker punch to my chest.
What brought the most pain was seeing a life that had been turned into something so hopeless and so hidden from the outside world. Hidden behind smiles, and rehearsed responses. Trying to be brave when the thought of falling apart consumed every waking moment. A life bearing physical and emotional scars that were continually being reopened.

I do not wish that life on anyone.

But that life, I do not live it anymore.
That life was no life at all.

Because I am worth recovery.
I am worth feeling whole.
I am worth the fight to snatch back every ounce of myself that has been stolen by the words and the actions of others.
I am worth the power of redemption.
I am worth a second chance at life.

So i left it behind.
And I chose to chase after freedom.

And the most beautiful part of it all was that I never had to face any of it alone.
I was surrounded by community. Surrounded by friends, who have felt like I have felt at one time or another. Surrounded by warriors, who were taking back their lives just like I was. Surrounded by families and friends who were turning pain into something positive and beautiful, as I aspire to do.

This year I needed them. And they did not let me down.

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Ten Years of TWLOHA

Posted by Hope Rising on March 30, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Today marks 10 years since the movement began.
To Write Love on Her Arms.
Such a simple message not many would understand at first.
But for those of us who shared Renee’s story, that simple phrase was the power and the permission to share our stories. To uncover our scars and start honest conversations…

To ask for help when things were getting too hard.
To say no to the things we were using to numb  ourselves from the reality of our pain.
To turn our pain into purpose.

I found TWLOHA right at the beginning. And right when I needed it the most.
At 19 years old, and coming off the heels of two of the biggest losses in my life at the time.
Sleepless nights and panic attacks would soon follow.
An addiction to self injury that was out of control,
and being hidden because of shame.
Depression that robbed me of my will to get out of bed.
Eventually it would rob me of my will to live.

TWLOHA showed me that I was not alone.
In my sheltered world where everyone was so much happier and healthier than me,
I found a glimmer of hope in knowing that there were others out there.
People like Renee and me who struggle.and people like Jamie who would not give up on a friend no matter what her life looked like.

I bought my first shirts and wore them until they were threadbare.
They held a message I believed in. For Renee. For myself.

Every time I wear one in public and see someone else wearing them,  there is always a nod a smile, and even sometimes a hug. No matter what part of the story we relate to, we know we are a part of something bigger.

I am proud to support TWLOHA.

For 10 years of storytelling.
For allowing me to be honest and seek help.
For bringing people into my life that will walk this journey with me.

 

TWLOHA helped me to believe that:

HOPE is real. HELP is real. RESCUE is possible.

#imnotashamed

Posted by Hope Rising on January 25, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 2 Comments

My struggle with depression and self harm began at 13 years old, and since then I have worn my story on my body. And for so many years, I wore it with shame.

At 16 years old, my addiction to self harm had grown out of control and it was my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I was forced into treatment. During that time when I needed support the most, all I felt was the shame of my family. The questions of “how could I do this to THEM?”, “what would other people think about us?” were constantly flooding my mind. I was ashamed because I felt I was weak.

At 19 years old I ran an old friend and she noticed the scars on my wrists and she said “you’re still doing that? i thought you would grow out of it.” Instantly I felt ashamed that I was still struggling, as if mental illness could be “just a phase”, as if depression could be something I could just shake off and I wasn’t strong enough to do so for so long.

At 22 I found myself once again standing on the edge of choosing death over life. Depression gripped me tightly. The razor brought me relief from constant mental turmoil, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my life to end.

Thankfully it didn’t.

The road to recovery hasn’t always been an easy one. It has been filled with many highs and lows. Many setbacks, but i keep moving forward. I am more than depression. I am more than addiction. I am more than self injury.

My life is a bright beautiful reminder that the dark times do not last forever. Eventually, the sun begins to shine through. Through the cracks and crevices of that brokenness and brings warmth to those deep cold places.

I had to learn to ignore the lies of stigma and shame in order to fully understand that depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, is not a sign of weakness, it is not a character flaw. It is a sickness like any other that needs treatment. It doesn’t just “go away”. Treatment looks different for each and every individual and that is o.k., but what is not o.k. is letting an illness go untreated because others don’t think you should feel what you feel.

Tackling depression and self injury has shown me that I am far stronger than I ever could imagine. It has taught me, like so many things in life, you can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is a full community of people like me out there, who are battling their illnesses bravely and living the best versions of their lives that is possible. I never thought I would be grateful for my struggles, but I am. I am so thankful that I can appreciate the fullness of what my life is right at this moment because I have seen the depths of darkness and despair. And even on the hard days it is easier to keep moving forward because I have seen how far I have come.

The struggles of my former life, have birthed a new dream in me. A dream to create a non profit where I can help others to find their healing through counseling, community, faith and hope.

I am more than mental illness.

I am a warrior.

and I am not ashamed.

in the moment

Posted by Hope Rising on April 25, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I have struggled with depression since I was 13 years old, and it has affected my life in many ways. One of the biggest things it takes away from me, is the ability to live in the moment. To allow myself to be immersed in the beauty around and fully drink in the moments. For me, it means not being able to make memories. You don’t realize how much of impact that can have on your life, until you experience it.
Thank goodness for technology and the ability to capture moments and savor them later. Without photographs or videos I may have missed out on some of the most important events in my life.
Last summer I had the once in the lifetime opportunity to travel out of the country and visit two of my bucket list places: London and Paris. But I was not “in the moment” while I was there. Even though I wasn’t experiencing the flown blown symptoms of depression  that I had in the past, it took a toll on my trip. I couldn’t connect my mind and my body to understand that I was in these magnificent places. I was agitated when I should have been elated. I just wanted to sleep when I should have been wanting to get up at the crack of dawn to take it all in. I didn’t want to take pictures because I was being overly critical of my body. On the outside I was smiling and happy and on the inside I felt nothing.
As the months went on the depression got deeper and I started reverting back to old behaviors to cope. Eventually it lead to a break down, and I had to take a step back and take it all in. I went back into therapy and received the help I needed. It has only been a few months, but I can feel the difference.

A few days ago I traveled to Texas, alone.

I was expecting to feel lonely and isolated, and holed up in my room with my laptop writing.
The opposite has happened and I am blown away, by how much of a difference it has made. I had to CHOOSE to let down my walls, get out of my comfort zone and get out of my own head.

 

And that was the best choice I have made. I have met some great people, people who don’t even know me, but take me in like I am part of their group. People who are not afraid to share their stories with me and allow me to share a piece of my story with them.
Even in the times when I am alone and exploring the city, the kind smiles from strangers and just allowing my self to be in the moment…every moment.
I may not have many photos, or videos or blogs from this trip. BUT I have memories. And for me that’s an important thing.
I feel like I am finally taking my life back.

I feel like I am connecting…with people.

And with this experience.
I will continue to live each day in the moment.

Why is Suicide Prevention Important to Me?

Posted by Hope Rising on September 13, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

This week has been dedicated to spreading the word about suicide prevention. Media Outlets, Individual Bloggers and Organizations have all come forward to speak and share on the topic.

So why do I care about Suicide Prevention?

I have been there… I have known what is it is to feel as if I am drowning in a sea of hopelessness, I have known heartache that never seemed to subside, I have known the feeling of almost giving up and throwing it all away.

In the midst of my pain, I found Hope and Love in the arms, hearts and words of friends and even strangers. I found my light at the end of the tunnel. Together we picked up the pieces of my life and I started the long journey of treatment and recovery. And now I want to be the one to offer hope to others.

Suicide is something that affects all of us; it touches our lives in one way or another. And it doesn’t have to happen. Every 18 minutes, someone in the US dies by suicide. Every 45 seconds, another person attempts to take their own life.

There is help and there is hope out there for anyone who is struggling. I believe that no one has to walk this journey of life alone, especially not during the difficult times.

I fight for suicide prevention because I believe no one should ever have to feel hopeless enough to take their own life. I fight because I believe no family should have to endure the heartache of losing someone they love so much to suicide. I fight to break down the silence and stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness so that help can be freely sought out and given to those in need.

I fight to see a world free of suicide, and I believe it is possible. And I am joined by millions who fight for the same.

We are united to offer help, hope and love to all those who are hurting.

My survivor story.

Posted by Hope Rising on June 10, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , . Leave a comment

This is My Story…..

It all began when I was nothing but a child, when my world should have been bright and happy, yet it was clouded with pain, rejection, heartache and depression. What do you do when your mind is determined to make you believe that you are worthless, that no one cares, that everything would just be better off if you were gone? What do you do when every night, you cry yourself to sleep and you don’t even know why? I was thirteen years old, with my whole life ahead of me, and I all I wanted was to make it end. To make all the hurt and anger just go away, and let me live. But it gripped at me in such a way that I couldn’t just walk away from it. My world was spinning around me, with other children living happy normal lives and I hated them for it. Since the age of 13, the battle with depression and suicidal thoughts has been all too real for me. I spent countless nights on the bathroom floor cutting my wrists, legs and arms, hoping that the cut would be the last one, would be the one to end my misery.

For so many years, the razor was my best friend. It was the only thing that I could turn to when I was hurting. Unlike everything else in my life at the time, it wouldn’t turn its back on me, it wouldn’t judge me, and it wouldn’t reject me and make me feel unloved. It was the only thing that I could truly rely on. As I took the razor to my skin, the pain was always only temporary. A few cuts, and I would be ok. It was a release to what I was fighting inside. It would leave me broken, crying, bleeding on the bathroom floor, but somehow, to me, it made everything ok. Every problem, every situation, every bad day would mean more cuts on my body, it was my coping mechanism. But I should have known, that the one thing that I trusted, would eventually turn on me too. Suddenly I found myself in high school, struggling to get through a day when I didn’t have to turn to the razor for comfort. It was much more than a comfort now… it was an addiction. I had no one to turn to because I pushed everyone away. My mind had convinced me that my family didn’t care about me. I felt ugly inside and out, and my world was crashing down around me. I decided not to be a pawn anymore; I took matters into my own hands.

I stood at the bathroom sink as I had so many times before.

When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize the girl standing before me. She was torn apart by the world around her, a shadow of who she once was. Darkness loomed in her eyes, her cheeks were tear stained, her body gaunt from starvation. I couldn’t believe who I had let myself become. I cut my wrists and just lay on the bathroom floor waiting for it to be over. But my life didn’t end there, and neither did the cutting. My school found out, and I was forced into a hospital, locked in a room, shut out from the outside world. No one could understand how I could be driven to such things; they never knew how unhappy I was because I never let them in. In the months to come, the guilt of tearing apart my family, and the scandal that my life now was to all those around me, just pushed me back to one thing that started it all. I was like an addict who could stay sober, but not for long.

On the outside I appeared strong and healthy and happy, but inside I was still dying, still struggling. I wanted to be strong,  I wanted to believe that I could put it all behind me. It was as much an act for the outside world to believe as it was for me to believe. The smile on my face wasn’t real, but the tears that stained my pillow every night were.

Six years later, nineteen years old with the whole world ahead of her and she was still standing in front of that mirror with the razor in her hand wishing she had the strength to stop. Tragedy was nothing new to her, but this time it hit too close to home, and she couldn’t handle it. Day after day, night after night, the thoughts consumed her. Kneeling, sobbing, once again she held the razor to her skin. One, two, three…: “just a few more and the heartache will go away.” Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen…”make it go away, let me wake up from this nightmare.” When all was said and done, I looked at my arm… twenty seven cuts later, and I still didn’t feel any different. I had officially hit rock bottom. Just like an addict, the drug that had once drawn me out from my pain no longer worked. My addiction was too strong.

At 19 years old, I had my life all my life in front of me, and yet I didn’t see the point in living. I was living with serious untreated depression, and I was battling a multitude of addictions. Every day was a struggle. A struggle to seem strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside. It was a struggle to keep what I was feeling in, because I didn’t want to let down those around me. It was a struggle to ask for help, because I was always told that I had to be strong, and I had to fight through it all, and I just had to brush it off….and I couldn’t. So I made the decision to give up. I made it through that night…and no one ever knew the truth. It was a secret I carried deep within me for a very long time..

But secrets… don’t stay buried for very long. Without ever really opening up about my past, I never gave myself the chance to get real help. And so…years later at 23 years of age when tragedy struck my heart again..all the pain and the doubt and the heartache came rushing back. I was thrown into one of the most  serious depressions of my life. But I had to pretend to be strong. I had to put on a brave face and pretend that I was ok…even when my world was crashing down around me. For the second time in my life…depression consumed me. I had no hope for the future. Everything I had ever hoped for in my life..was slowly being ripped away from me. I was watching all my hopes and dreams turn to dust right before my eyes. I was consumed by an addiction to alcohol, pills and self injury. The only way I could cope with my illness..was to numb everything that I was feeling. I let the thought of ending my life consume me.

But the truth of the matter is that something inside me was stronger and it was fighting for me to break free. I shouldn’t be here, able to write this, I should be yet another statistic. But I’m not. And you might wonder, why on earth am I writing this here, for the world to see? But, the fact of the matter is that if you thought this was about me, you thought wrong. Because I believe that if someone can benefit from what I went through, can find hope through my struggle, then what does it matter who knows about my past? If I can’t use my experience to help others, then they were all in vain, and that is the last thing I ever want. I know that I am not alone, not in the fight that I fought or in my will to overcome. I am not about to let this second chance at life just pass me by without fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. Every night I cry for those who are going through what I went through and even worse.

By finally being honest about my past and my struggles, I have given myself a REAL chance at life. I have received help for the depression that I struggled with, and it is no longer a part of my life. I stepped away from pills and alcohol, and instead I have embraced the support of my church family and friends to get me through these difficult days of my life. I have conquered my addiction to self injury and I am celebrating a year of recovery, with my church standing behind me every step of the way.

I know that my story IS for a reason. I know that I am stronger because of I what I went through. I know that my heart can relate to other hurting hearts, and I yearn to reach out to someone in their time of need. And I am  on my way to helping others.

I am a Suicide Intervention Specialist for IMALIVE. There is no greater feeling than knowing that I can help someone through their time of need. To help them find the HOPE when it seems there is none. To be a listening ear, when everything seems to be falling apart.

I know what its like to live with mental illness. And I know that struggling through life does not make you weak. Trials will come,storms will try to shake us….but never give up HOPE. The biggest step you can take for yourself is to let someone into the dark places of your life..to share the burden of your pain with someone you can trust who can help you, whether it is a doctor, a pastor, a family member or a teacher.

PAIN SHARED IS PAIN LESSENED; JOY SHARED IS JOY INCREASED

-Spider Robinson

Finding Healing

Posted by Hope Rising on May 1, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

Psalm 147:3

He Heals the BrokenHearted and Binds up their Wounds.

This is one of my favorite verses from the Bible. As someone who has struggled with self injury I really found hope in these words. However, as I continue to walk this journey of recovery, I find hope and truth in this verse for so many areas of my life.

Wounds can be superficial or deeply rooted. Wounds can be physical, emotional, or mental. Sometimes we are hurt by words and actions of others that may or may not be intentional. As humans we experience alot in our lives, and many of those experiences are filled with heartache and pain. But there is Hope, we don’t have to hold on to the hurt forever. We have a healer who can free us from the burden of heartbreak and pain. 

No matter what you are going through… no matter what has broken your heart and wounded you…God wants to heal those wounds.

Over the last year God has been working in my life in so many ways. Healing wounds that were both physical and emotional. Some things have left me with scars…but I believe in the beauty of scars. Physically the Lord healed all my wounds of self injury so I could walk forward in recovery. But there were many other areas that I had not yet experienced His healing. 

As time went on I began to remember words that had been spoken to me and about me, words that at one time or another had almost destroyed me, but I locked them away..never to be spoken. But in holding those words silently in my heart I was allowing sorrow, bitterness, anger, and depression to take hold in my life. God allowed me to let go of those words and forgive those who had hurt me and broken me. There were many areas of my past that I hadn’t yet confronted. But the longer I pretended they didn’t exist the longer I gave them power over me. It hasn’t been an easy or a painless process but I know it is necessary.

Every wound I have ever endured can be healed in His hands, and the scars that are left behind are just reminders of where He has taken me out from and where I am going.
So no matter what your life looks like right now, no matter what kind of wounds you have in your life…I encourage you to give it all to God. He can heal your heart, bind your wounds, and make you whole. 

Just a thought..

Posted by Hope Rising on March 13, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

You never know how much a few words can change a persons life. I had a professor who believed in me, even in the midst of my struggle, and told me I had the ability to be a great counselor one day. That statement made me re think my career path, embrace the calling that had been placed on my life, and gave me the courage to believe in myself. It was like the floodgates opened opened up, and I felt the passion to help people just flood through. I stopped thinking of myself as a broken person who wouldn’t amount to anything, and I believed for the first time that it was part of a bigger plan.

I sit here reading essays and papers from college and all my counseling classes, and though I have changed a lot over the last 7 years….one thing hasn’t. My heart still breaks for the broken, and I want to be that person whose story can bring light into a dark place. I continue to have hard times, but I know now that its all part of the process and part of my testimony.

I am in the process of applying to graduate school…something i didn’t even think of for the last two years. I am nervous, but I feel like its all part of a bigger plan. And for that i am excited. I can’t wait to see where the road takes me from here…but I know it will be Grand because God is in control.

I just want to tell you all out there… encourage one another, believe in one another, and support one another. You have no idea how your words can impact another’s life in such a positive way. By encouraging one another, we allow ourselves to become the catalyst in someones life. Sometimes a person just needs to know that they are loved unconditionally not only by God but by the friends and family He has surround them with. Sometimes a person needs to be reminded that they are special and beautiful in God’s sight. Sometimes a person just needs to know that someone believes in them…before they can begin to believe in themselves.

I have been blessed by so many people who have allowed themselves to be used by God, and they have become such important parts of my story.

Celebrating Recovery

Posted by Hope Rising on March 6, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

One of the hardest things was learning I was worth recovery,” “And I’m allowed to celebrate it, which is a great feeling.” – Demi Lovato

This quote almost exactly sums up how I feel. When you have been struggling with anything for more than 10 years, its hard to believe that you will ever see a day when it isn’t part of your life. The battle in my mind is something that has been so difficult to overcome.

Sometimes being fully recovered seems so far away and so daunting that you think you can’t get there..

But Recovery is a journey…and not everyone experiences it the same way. It is not a static point on a map that determines whether you are fully recovered or not. Some days are better than others. Even through the pain, the disappointment and the sheer feeling that maybe you can’t do this… you find a day when you are able to pick up your head and remember how to breathe again… and you pick up the pieces and you move forward…in whatever way that may be.

For some it means embracing those who have supported you, removing the things that have hindered you, and forgiving those who have hurt you…jumping into life a changed person. That may mean carrying battle scars on your heart, mind and body, but those scars remind who you were and who you never want to be again.

I have learned instead to not look at the looming path of the future, but to celebrate the small steps of accomplishments along the way. And for some time I believed that it didn’t mean anything and I couldn’t do that. But i have learned that for me that is most important part of my recovery. Because when I am feeling low or lost, i look back and see just how far I have come, and I don’t want to lose it all and start over… so i make a CHOICE that no matter how I am feeling… I will move forward.. because the days ahead are better than those left behind.

This month I am celebrating the milestone in my life of being 10 months free of self injury. And I won’t let anyone or anything take that away from me. If i dwell on the comments about how I failed and barely have a year of recovery… it could destroy me. But 10 months is an amazing feeling and I am proud of that.

Recovery is a journey… and it feels long at times… but one day we will all be able to look back and see how far we have come, how many demons we have conquered and how strong and happy we are… and it will all be worth it.

So let’s celebrate our recovery…wherever we are today.