If I am being honest, I was beating myself up over not writing a post on Thanksgiving.
I had a rough emotional week, and I really couldn’t pinpoint the trigger, I don’t know if it was just entering the Holiday season which awakens these all too familiar feelings or other situations in my life just starting weighing heavy on my heart to the point where I could no longer control the floodgates.
I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday in bed, unfortunately allowing myself to wallow in those negative feelings. But thank the Lord that there are still people out there that are vigilant, and who reach out when they sense that something just isn’t right. With the help of some very kind and uplifting words and the outpouring of love, I find the strength to get up and fight. To get out of bed, to pray and worship and just get myself out of the “funk”.
Holidays are hard for me. Even when I am surrounded by a multitude of people, I feel so alone. It has been that way for a long time. Knowing this I try to surround myself with postive people in my life during these times. Unfortuntaely that doesnt always mean family. I have said it before and I will say it again: I love my family. I just don’t feel they will ever understand many of the things I have struggled with,.not for lack of trying, but it’s just not something they can connect to on a personal level. Knowing that I find myself pulling away from them during the times we are supposed to be the most connected.
I just wish I could come out and talk to them, honestly…raw..like I can here.
When I am having a bad body image day, for them to be able to tell me I am still beautiful and that the food at the table doesn’t control me. When I don’t have the strength to get out of bed, to have someone there who will crawl in and just BE with me in that moment. When I want to run to old comforts that I would have someone there to remind me how far I have come.
Because in the fog of depression, its hard to remember those things. Its hard to feel or imagine anything outside of the current state you are in. Human connection is something so powerful, a kind word or touch like a hug can really make the difference for someone who is struggling.
And I guess not having that in those moments made everything feel so much worse than it was.
But I put on a brave face and hid the tears behind sunglasses and the pain behind the smiles.
I know that I have an amazing support system outside of my bloodlines, but it’s hard for me to reach out especially now. Everyone is celebrating and happy and a part of me doesn’t want to be a burden and ruin the perfect pictures they have going on right now. I know that I will get chastisted a thousand times for even thinking that way, but it’s something I have to work on.
Even still. I am grateful for many things.
Even if I was silent..I am still thankful.