…the city that holds so much pain.
Anyone who knows me, knows how deeply I love the city of my birth. I spend so much time exploring its hidden treasures, my heart beat syncing in time with the sounds of Manhattan. There have been places I have been scared to face, because they hold too many memories, and far too much pain. Places that at one point in my life were landmarks of my heart, where the most significant moments of my life occurred.
On the shores of the East River, I learned about love and serenity, & about pain and regret. And high above the water, when there was no hope left inside my bones, I contemplated ending my life.
I have been running, and avoiding for so long. I knew the day would come when I had to go back. When I had to yank those places from the pit of despair that they had become for me, and reclaim them as beautiful parts of this city that I love.
On June 4th, that day came.
I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt.
When i signed up for this years Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention in NYC, I knew there was a chance the route would take me through the places I didn’t think I was ready to face.
As I stepped onto the Brooklyn bridge for the first time in 4 years, every part of me wanted to run the other way. With every step, the thoughts raced through my mind of the last time I was there. Every conversation, every fight, every act of betrayal came rushing back in as if I was feeling it for the first time. I couldn’t breathe.. I wanted to turn back..but I knew I had to keep moving forward.
When I finally stopped, and looked out over the water, I knew I had to let it go.
I felt so many things in those few moments standing on the bridge,it felt like it had been an eternity. Through the flood of emotions and images, I chose to rewrite the story. This time I wasn’t going to let it break me. This time I was going to leave the pain in the past where it belongs, and move on from it.
I could have faced it all alone. But the beauty of the life that I have been given, is that I didn’t have to. What better place to face the battles and demons of the past than with a group of people who understand. I stood there in my pain and my grief, and allowed my friends to support me through it. Friends that have known the great pain of my past decision, because they too have been there.
And I as continued walking across the bridge, it was as if the chains of the past had fallen off of me and into the deep dark water below never to be seen again.
And I was released.
Walking freely into the next step of recovery.
We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. ~ John Green