May is an important month for me for many reasons, but one of the most important is that is Mental Health Awareness Month. So much of what fuels me, so much of what my life’s works surrounds, and so much of my reason for living is focused around Mental Health. In some ways part of my self care is pouring myself into the work that matters to me. I find peace in helping others find hope during their dark times. Writing is a release. whether it is on a personal level, or on a wider scale hoping to break down stigma for …it helps me as I help others.
So this month I push my self to be as active as I can in the community, to continue to share my story, and to bring awareness.
My faith has always been a huge part of my life, and it has always been an important part of my recovery. As i have shared many times in the past, my faith community is such a large piece of my support system, and for them I am thankful. But even greater than the love of an earthly family, is the Love of my Savior. Who rescued me from a life that was full of darkness and dead things.
Last year in Texas, I was facing a new chapter in my life. I was stepping out of my comfort zones, and it was scary and exhilarating and it was hard. In April of last year, I was only newly walking the road of recovery for a few short months, and it was a daily struggle. But in the midst of that struggle I was asked to share my truth, to tell my story…open and honestly. The thought excited and also scared me straight to my core. But I knew, that if I didn’t… I would carry the burden of shame and secrets with me, and it would destroy me as it had so many times before. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was what i needed to do. I needed to be brave with my story, to release my pain, and to help others do the same.
and for that opportunity i am so thankful. because it has changed my life.
and a part of me knew that. even last year. even with all the thoughts going through my head. I knew it was all part of a bigger plan.
I was so far away from God in those days, because I felt my struggle discount my worth for His Love. I thought I had strayed too far away to be helped, to be changed. But that morning, I was struck with the Truth that dissolved all those doubts. I knew I would walk out of this experience changed.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The morning of the Overnight Walk, I woke up with that verse in my heart. Playing over and over in my head. Reminding me that the path I have taken in my life, is not in vain, there is purpose in the pain. There is a calling over my life that I cannot deny.
I made my way to Thanksgiving square, and there was a weight on my heart. Not a burden. But a heavy feeling of thanksgiving that was overwhelming me. I entered the chapel and there was no one there, but as I sat and prayed and worshiped..the power of grace and love was so heavy in that room. Alone in that room, I gave my life back over to God. I trusted him for the first time in a very long time. I believed in His unyielding power to redeem my story. To redeem my life, from the pit of darkness that I had been living in. I made a promise to walk each day in recovery, to treat this body with the care and respect that it deserves. To treat this life, as the gift that it really is.
As the light shone through the intricate glass work of the chapel windows, I could feel the light being awakened in my own life. and a peace surrounded me, like none I had ever felt before. I knelt in thanksgiving. Thanking God once again for the second chance at life. Thanking Him for the opportunity to share my story to help others and to be a light in their darkness. I was changed in that room, and in that moment I found a bravery that could only come from HIM.
And I’ll be with you through The dark so that you do not, Go through the dark alone. ~Biloxi Parish- The Gaslight Anthem
Depression, for me, has been like a darkness where all hope seems lost, and I can’t find my way left or right of it. In the beginning it was so difficult, because I didn’t let anyone in, and I carried the burden alone. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, I know now that I was just doing more damage to myself. When I finally allowed people in, it wasn’t a magical cure. The darkness didn’t just float away and all was right with the world immediately. It took time, it was a long journey, and in many ways it is a journey I am still on.
But those people I let in, they became my guides. They took my hand and led me to the resources that I needed. They led me to safe places where I could share my truth. And each time I wanted to give up, they held my hand tighter to remind me that I was never alone. And on the really hard days, they carried me step by step until I found the strength to try again.
And as we continued, to move forward..together.. The light began seeping in.
And that is why the Overnight Walk is so important to me.
Each year as I take this symbolic journey of 16 miles through the night,
I am reminded how my community rallied together to get me out of the darkness and into the light.
And as I walk alongside others, I know that each person is at a different point of their journey,
But I want to do for others what other so selflessly did for me.
For more than just this night, I want to walk with you.
I want to take your hand and guide you to where you need to be.
I want you to be able to witness the glorious sunrise at the end of the journey and realize just how far you have come. I want you to know that you are never alone, I will be right here through it all.
Each year as I prepare to do the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, I am blown away by the outpouring of support I receive. So far I am more than halfway to my goal and there are only two months until the walk. But, it isn’t just financial backing that means so much to me. Each and every person who I have shared my story with, and has still welcomed me with open arms, I thank you. For the friends who are there in the latest hours of the night, in the darkest times of my life, I thank you. For those who constantly reach out to me, to tell me how proud they are of me, and how they believe in me, I thank you.
Because it is so much more than just this journey of 18 miles. This is my life story. This is my passion. And every single person who sows into me, is fanning the flame within me. With my amazing support system behind me… I know I can do this. I know I can walk through the night, even if I have to fight my body to do so. I know that I can stand up and continue to be brave with my story. I know that I can continue to push forward and reach for my dreams. I know that I can continue to celebrate important milestones of recovery, and they are as important to me as they are to those who love me.
When the dark days come, and pain tries to destroy me… all I have to do is look around and know that I am never alone. I am blessed to be surrounded by the people that I love, and who love me without condition.
So thank you for being a part of this journey.
Not only for the Overnight.
The Journey of life.
I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all of you.
The Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention
Dallas Overnight WalkJune 2, 2018
Walking to raise Mental health Awareness and Suicide Prevention. To save lives.