I have struggled with depression since I was 13 years old, and it has affected my life in many ways. One of the biggest things it takes away from me, is the ability to live in the moment. To allow myself to be immersed in the beauty around and fully drink in the moments. For me, it means not being able to make memories. You don’t realize how much of impact that can have on your life, until you experience it.
Thank goodness for technology and the ability to capture moments and savor them later. Without photographs or videos I may have missed out on some of the most important events in my life.
Last summer I had the once in the lifetime opportunity to travel out of the country and visit two of my bucket list places: London and Paris. But I was not “in the moment” while I was there. Even though I wasnt experiencing the flown blown symptoms of depression that I had in the past, it took a toll on my trip. I couldnt connect my mind and my body to understand that I was in these magnificent places. I was agitated when I should have been elated. I just wanted to sleep when I should have been wanting to get up at the crack of dawn to take it all in. I didnt want to take pictures because I was being overly critical of my body. On the outside I was smiling and happy and on the inside I felt nothing.
As the months went on the depression got deeper and I started reverting back to old behaviors to cope. Eventually it lead to a break down, and I had to take a step back and take it all in. I went back into therapy and recived the help I needed. It has only been a few months, but I can feel the difference.
A few days ago I travelled to Texas, alone.
I was expecting to feel lonely and isolated, and holed up in my room with my laptop writing.
The opposite has happened and I am blown away, by how much of a difference it has made. I had to CHOOSE to let down my walls, get out of my comfort zone and get out of my own head.
And that was the best choice I have made. I have met some great people, people who don’t even know me, but take me in like I am part of their group. People who are not afraid to share their stories with me and allow me to share a piece of my story with them.
Even in the times when I am alone and exploring the city, the kind smiles from strangers and just allowing my self to be in the moment…every moment.
I may not have many photos, or videos or blogs from this trip. BUT I have memories. And for me thats an important thing.
I feel like I am finally taking my life back.
I feel like I am connecting…with people.
And with this experience.
I will continue to live each day in the moment.