From Heartbreak to HOPE.

Posted by Hope Rising on June 9, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

This past weekend I had an incredible opportunity to join thousands of people as we walked through the streets of Brooklyn to Manhattan and back to bring suicide and mental illness OUT OF THE DARKNESS. It was amazing to me to be a part of something so much bigger than myself, but it also left my heart heavy and full.

Though I was there to celebrate my own victories in my recovery, my heart was breaking for those who have loved and lost. All around me, I met people who were walking in memory of Mothers & Fathers, Sisters & Brothers, Husbands & Wives, Best friends and Lovers.Every aching part of me wanted to reach out to the hurting and somehow do something to fill that void that their loved one left behind.

But each tragedy does not have to remain as such. Out of the depths of despair, heartache and grief thousands have found a source of hope, for themselves and for those that are struggling. By coming out of the darkness, to speak about these issues we are giving others a chance to speak about their struggles. We gather together to say there is no shame in asking for help. We cry out to say: You are not alone, you don’t deserve to struggle alone, and our hearts are breaking for you.

As I walked these 18 miles, I felt a sadness for the lives that were lost, but the air was filled with the electricity of Hope for the Future. 18 miles may have been taxing on our bodies and minds, but it was all worth it if the money we raised will offer hope to someone in need and prevent them from taking their life. And in turn we could spare families,friends, spouses, and entire communities the heartache of losing someone they love from something completely preventable.

The closing ceremony was surrounded by luminaria. each luminary represented a life. A life that was lost, the life of a person who is struggling, or the life of a person who has overcome and is taking a stand against the stigma of society.

For those who we have lost: we allow their lives to serve as an inspiration to help others.

For those of us who have overcome: Let us never forget the road we have walked, or the way we have felt. Our past shapes us, and has made us stronger. Let us always remember that we are all still here for a reason: to help others.

For those who are struggling:

HOPE is more powerful than heartbreak, more powerful than despair & more powerful than anything you are going through. IT DOES GET BETTER. You just have to hold on. We will continue to walk, to speak and to fight for you. We will never give up on you and we ask that you believe in yourself, and you love yourself enough to reach out for help no matter what. We are fighting for a world that is free of stigma, free of shame and a world that gives you the freedom to become who you are meant to be. Mental illness, is a disease that can be treated. It is not a character flaw and it is NOT a weakness.Give yourself the chance to live the life you were meant to live….and believe that YOU ARE LOVED.

Every Picture has a story..

Posted by Hope Rising on June 2, 2011
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…and this is mine

 

When I look at this picture a range of emotions rushes through me. I can get caught up in the beauty of how the sun is setting over this beautiful city, and how the light was just perfect and I had to capture it.

But I will never forget the story behind this picture. This picture was taken on one of the darkest days of my life. I was questioning everything around me, and just being destroyed by the situation that I was in. I had no hope for the future I couldn’t see past tonight. My heart was shattered and I was weak mentally and physically. I didn’t know how I was ever going to move forward in my life, if it was even possible for me now.

That night I decided to take a walk to clear my mind, and just get away from the things that were tearing me apart. As I got to the Brooklyn Promenade I sat on one of the benches just as the sun was setting over the city. I tried to take in the beauty of what I was seeing, but the tears would not stop flowing. There was a pain in me that I know I could not control, and a pain that I feared I would never get away from. It was in that moment that the unthinkable came into my head. I didn’t have a plan, but I had let that terrible thought creep into my head. I was in so much emotional pain that I believed the only way to end it was to end my life. And I just sat on the promenade for hours until there was no light left in the sky, but the light of the moon. And as I sat there, it was almost as if that thought had consumed me. At any moment I could have taken matters into my own hands.

But right at that moment, it was as if God was prompting someone to think of me. I received a text that just reminded me of how much I am loved and cared for. It reminded me that even though I was torn down, there were people who loved me who were praying for me to be restored and made whole. And in that moment, a simple text became my beacon of HOPE. The pain didn’t go away, but I knew I couldn’t just let it overtake me. I had to fight for my life, and get help because I wasn’t going to be able to do it alone.

It is symbolic and beautiful to me that this years Out of the Darkness Overnight will begin in Downtown Brooklyn and take us through the brownstones of Brooklyn Heights, and eventually over the Brooklyn Promenade and Brooklyn Bridge. For me it is important to return to that place, to take in the beauty that I saw that night, and to remember that there is HOPE for a better future. These 18 miles are symbolic of my own Journey through depression and healing. So it is only fitting for me to begin at the place where it almost ended. I am hopeful for what is to come for the future. I know I am not, and never will be alone in my fight to overcome.

LOVE is the movement.

Posted by Hope Rising on May 31, 2011
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Romans 5:3-5 … “But we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And Hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy spirit, who has been given to us.”

In the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower the writer says: “But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where to go from there.” When I read that it struck a chord in me. The past is something we cannot change, but we can choose how much we let it affect us, good or bad. Someone once told me that my trials and my tribulations and all the struggles I had faced up to that point in my life were my source of passion, resiliency and strength. Back then I could not believe those words, they seemed to be mocking me. I believed the cycle I was living would be the one I lived for my entire life.

But now I have passed through the storm and I am standing on the other side, more hopeful than I have ever been. I am still young, but I have grown a lot in 10 years. And I can look back on all the trials that I have faced in my life and say that I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the lessons they taught me, the strength they gave me, and the courage to be part of something greater than myself. I do not regret anything, because I believe everything that has come into my life was for a reason. It all has a purpose in my calling and in my future.

One amazing organization has proved to me that you don’t have to be perfect to change the world. Your life can seem to be in shambles, yet, if your heart is in the right place, amazing things can happen. To Write Love on Her Arms has been more than an inspiration to me on so many levels. I see myself in Renee’s story in so many ways, and when I read it, I reminded that there were people who were fighting and praying for me, just like they were for her. And even when I felt alone, and discouraged and fell back into all the same traps, I knew that in the end, the same HOPE that was alive for her was there for me. And now that I have put that part of my life behind me, TWLOHA is inspiring me in a whole new way. I know that I am called to help others who have gone through many of the same things as I have. Seeing them go out there and touch so many people, and save so many lives, makes me want to go out and do the same. No one’s life is perfect and even in their trials they still continue to move forward and help the broken.

This organization is very dear to my heart, and I truly and whole heartedly support them. They are offering hope and changing lives. It’s amazing to see so many people come together for such a purpose. I was once broken and shattered, and sometimes I feel those cracks starting to form, but I just look at their page and I reminded that “THERE IS HOPE. RESCUE IS POSSIBLE. LOVE IS THE MOVEMENT”

Their love for others has ignited a fire in me, and also reminds me of the love that is out there for me. Love surely is the movement. I’ve seen what it can do in my life. All the pain, guilt and anger of my past have been replaced with love. Love that I have finally learned to give to myself, and love that I have also learned to let in from the outside.It took a lot for me to get here, and I don’t want to go back. As far as I am concerned there is nothing to go back to. This is my beginning, my road only moves forward from here.

That is why I chose to form the TWLOHA supporters Team for the Out of the Darkness Overnight. They have been such an inspiration in my life, and I am proud to wear the words To Write Love on Her Arms. Because this is my story. My scars are there but the pain that was attached them, I have learned to replace with thoughts of LOVE, thoughts of the people who helped me get through it & who loved me when I thought I was unlovable. I am reminded that there is a God who will never turn away from me, who welcome me with loving arms each time i fall and ask for forgiveness. The world looks at my scars and judges me for them, but I want to tell them that I am not weak, I am stronger now because of what I went through. I am not ashamed of who I was and what I went through because it was through those experiences that I learned how to love: myself and those around me. Don’t ever judge a person by what you see on the outside, because you never know the road they are walking.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. NIV… I CORINTHIANS 13: 4-13

A story of hope and healing

Posted by Hope Rising on May 23, 2011
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A few days ago I came across an article in a magazine that spoke about a serious issue. The interview was with teen star Demi Lovato after she had been released from a treatment facility as a result of her “emotional issues.” I was very touched by her bravery and her honesty as she came forth with her struggle with eating disorders, bipolar disorder and self-injury. She didn’t have to put her life out there for the whole world to see, she didn’t have to speak about the things that have brought her so much pain. But she did, and for that I commend her. By coming out of hiding with her issues she is allowing honest conversations to take place. She is taking responsibility for her actions, but also showing others who are struggling that it is ok to get help.

For so many years she hid behind that shadow of darkness and shame, afraid to say what was really going on because she had so much to lose. She hid the cuts on her arms, she hid her eating habits she hid everything she was feeling even from those who cared about her the most. She knew that if she came out and admitted what she was struggling with her career would go down the drain. She eventually knew that she had no where left to turn, but to get up and give up everything she had worked so hard for. She had come to the point where her life was more important than her career. She finally sought help and checked into a treatment

But it shouldn’t have to be this way. We shouldn’t have to live our lives in fear of being “found out.” If we need help we should be able to seek it freely without recourse from the world around us. The fear and shame that our world tries to instill in us creates a more damaging environment than the illness in and of itself. The more we hide the more damage we are doing to ourselves, and the less likely we are to seek help until it may be too late.

I am happy for Demi as she takes the steps to get her life back in control, even if that means stepping out of the limelight. I am happy that she sought help, and I am happy that she can now speak freely about her life in order to bring hope to others. I admire her bravery and honesty.

This is why I am walking in the Overnight: To bring these issues out of the darkness and to create an environment where we can talk openly and honestly about these issues. We want to be able to reach out our hands for help without fear of stigma or shame, and we want to freely share our stories of hope and healing.

There will be a day

Posted by Hope Rising on May 19, 2011
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This message is for all the brokenhearted, and all those who are struggling. I just want to tell you… YOU ARE NOT ALONE, YOU ARE LOVED…Just HOLD ON.

This life is not easy we will all face trials and tribulations, some more than others. And sometimes we can get so lost and bogged down in those things that we don’t see a way out. And sometimes we decide that the only way out is to make one for ourselves. But as I have heard it said many times, “Suicide is a permanent solution to the temporary problems of this world.” No matter how long you have been suffering, I assure you with the right help and the right support systems and the love of those around you, there will be a break in the clouds. Life may not be perfect, life may be hard, but when you have someone by your side…a counselor, a friend, a clergyman…you can get through it.

We were not meant to walk this earth alone, nor are we expected to get through all the difficulties that come our way on our strength. We need help, we need to learn how to lean on others. It is not a sign of weakness…it is part of our nature we are social creatures.

So I urge you, if you feel the darkness creeping in and you don’t see a way out, reach out your hand for help. With someone to help you walk the journey you can make it through alive. There are people waiting to talk to you. There are people who care about you and know that your life has value even if you do not see it right now. I believe in the power of HOPE in healing. All it takes is one spark of light to cut through the darkness. Believe in it

HELP IS ALWAYS READILY AVAILABLE 1-800-HOPELINE

My faith and my faith community have played a huge part in my redemption story. They helped me to see the HOPE that was there for my life, and my story. I know that I still walk through trials and sometimes they are overwhelming but I have people there who love me and will help me walk through it. I also have hope that this pain is not forever… “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” Rev 21:4

This song speaks to my heart and I hope it speaks to yours as well.

Psalm 34:18 the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

A decade of pain.

Posted by Hope Rising on May 10, 2011
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When you look at the span of a lifetime, ten years barely seems like a blip on the radar…but when your lifetime only spans the course of two decades, ten years seems like an eternity, and it has. Ten years ago was when my battle with depression, anxiety, self injury and suicidal thoughts began. I was 13 years old, but I somehow knew I was different, I knew I faced different things that my peers did, and somehow I knew no one around me would understand. And they didn’t. For the majority of that ten year period, I kept the truth about myself hidden. I didn’t seek help. I covered up my arms, put a smile on my face and pretended as if life was the best thing going for me. In the latter part of that ten year period, I found help and hope. I found help in the form of therapists, of mentors, and in the healing of speaking to others who have faced the same struggles. I found hope in the love of friends and pastors who constantly spoke life into my situation. These were people who constantly reminded me of the purpose God has in my life, who showered me with love in the darkest of times, and who spoke healing into my heart and mind and gave me hope that one day it will all truly be in the past.

But even though I had these amazing people surrounding me, struggles still came way and I let them destroy me. I had never learned how to let anyone in during the storm; I would share my story once the storm had passed. I didn’t know how to truly turn my pain and heartache over to God, and so I let those feelings consume me and lead me back into the pit and back into addiction. The past year and a half has been full some of the most painful moments of my life so far. I have never felt so heartbroken, angry, betrayed and weak in my life. (The time has not come to share that part of my story yet; I know God has a purpose and a plan for it, but that time is not now.) I allowed brokenness to creep back into my life because I wasn’t standing on the promises of God. I allowed the situation to control me and my feelings to the point where I didn’t speak about anything for an entire year. I allowed those feelings to grow and consume me rather than addressing them, praying to God about them, and leaning into the same support system I always had. I hid the lines on my wrists like it was second nature; I wiped away the tears before anyone could see. But as much as I tried to prevent it, I eventually broke. I sunk into the pit further than I had been, and everyone could see. With no where else to turn, I finally turned to God. I thank God that He never turns His back on me. I am still in the process of restoration, there are many areas of my life that I have to lend over to God so that He can fix them, but I believe that restoration is coming for such a time as this.

I recently turned 24 years old which is normally not considered one of those major milestones in life. But, in my life, it is a huge milestone for me. First and foremost, I never even thought I would make it to 18 the way my life was going in the earlier years, but here comes 24 and I know a lot of great things are coming with it. I am no longer part of that decade of pain. This is the 11th year of my journey, and it is said that 11 is the number that represents over abundance. I truly believe that and call it into action in my life. I have already seen things changing in these first few months, and I am excited for what is in store for the future. I don’t believe that the things I feel and dream about are so far off anymore, I believe they are within my grasp. I believe that 2011 can be the year where I truly prosper in every area of my life.

What does this year mean for you? What are your goals for the next six months? What do you HOPE for?

The Journey is the Destination

Posted by Hope Rising on May 5, 2011
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As anyone who knows me well enough knows… I have a slight obsession with TOMS shoes. I love them because they are comfortable, stylish, and they are doing an amazing job of helping the world one pair of shoes at a time. I constantly find my self shopping their site on the hunt for a new pair. Chalk it up to a serious shopping problem, or my innate need to help the world…you choose. J

And as I was browsing their site I came across this shoe… (Journey is the Destination)

And I fell in love… There is something so powerful about that message to me. Sometimes we get so caught up with where we should be, where we need to be and where we are not…that we forget to appreciate the Journey along the way. We keep our eyes fixed on the “finish line” but don’t see all the lessons we could be soaking in along the way. We have tunnel vision and forget to recognize the people that are right there walking along side us. I know I have made this mistake many times. I am focused on where I should be and where I am not, but I don’t even bother to turn around and see how far I have come. I need to understand that I am not perfect, and I will never be perfect on this Earth. But each time that I fall and I do not allow my self to turn around and run back into the hole… I am making progress. I will stumble and I will fall. But I am not a failure. Even if I don’t make it to where I think I should be, I have made it somewhere and that should be worth something to me. This doesn’t mean I will stop “going for the gold” and give up altogether. Defeat is no longer in my vocabulary. I am determined to continue to fight the good fight because I know there is something greater for me out there I am learning to appreciate this journey that I am on even more. I accept it fully with all the triumphant victories and even the devastating mistakes.

I am starting a new journey in my life in so many ways. The last two years have been difficult and have tried and tested me but they did not take me down because I am still standing. When people look at me who know what I have been through they tell me I am strong. But I know better, The ONE i am holding onto is bigger than all my heartache and bigger than all my mistakes and my failures. God has brought me through this trial and I know He is taking me on a greater journey than I imagined before. I am excited for this journey ahead of me. In a few days I will turn 24, and I am beginning this new year of life doing something that truly matters to me: The Out of The Darkness Overnight. I am nervous, excited, somber, moved and hopeful all at the same time. I am ready for the journey ahead of me, whatever life throws at me.

Bake Sale Success

Posted by Hope Rising on April 30, 2011
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I am so excited to announce that I am now $309 closer to my fundraising goal. I just want to thank the generosity of my pastors, as well as my In-Laws for allowing me the opportunity to share this with our congregations.

I want to extend my sincerest thanks to the generosity of my friends Natasha & Diane who so unselfishly spent hours in the kitchen baking and then donated their treats to help support my cause. They are both so amazing to me for doing that. I thank God for them because even though we don’t have close relationships they were willing to step up and take a step with me because they believe in the message of the Overnight.

I am excited not only because of the money that was raised through sales and donations, but because of the opportunities that I am granted to speak about what is on my heart. I am participating in this walk because I believe in it, I believe in the help and the hope that this money will help to provide. I believe in the love and understanding it helps to offer to the lives hanging in the balance. And most of all I believe in the message: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

But, I am also participating in this walk for myself. I believe that talking about what I have struggled with and where I am now, is all part of the healing process. I may always struggle and it may not always be easy, but I know that I am being healed a little more each and every day. It heals me to see the love and support from my pastors and friends, who know how I have struggled first hand. It heals me to see the hope in the lives of the people I meet along the way. It heals me to see that there are thousands of people who are willing to take this journey to stand up for so many others who are hurting. I am thankful for the journey leading up to the event, and I know that the Overnight will be a life changing night for me and for so many others.

I want to say: Thank you to all those who are standing with me and behind me as I go through this process. You have no idea what an impact you are making in my own life, as well as the impact you are going to have on all the people who are going to be helped.

MOVE Out of the Darkness

Posted by Hope Rising on April 11, 2011
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I had the perfect weekend, not because I was lounging around doing nothing or watching TV, but because I was doing something I really loved and I was recharging my batteries in the process. I was selected to attend a community conference for To Write Love on Her Arms. (TWLOHA) It’s not something most people would consider to be a relaxing weekend. It involved two full days of hearing and participating in lectures about topics that are usually pushed to the wayside in our society: depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self injury, addiction and suicide. We had the opportunity to have an open environment where we could voice our feelings, knowledge and even personal struggles with each of these issues. I wanted to participate in this conference because I felt a longing to be a part of something bigger. But to tell you truth I expected to be drained at the end of the weekend, because I know that the topics are heavy subjects and it can take a lot of you to really come face to face with them, especially if you have struggled with them in the past. But at the end of the two days I was more hopeful than I have ever been. It was an incredible experience to hear some of the stories of pain turning into hope and redemption, it was inspiring to see groups of college students who wanted nothing more than to change the lives of those around them, but overall it was energizing for me to know that I am not alone in my hopes and dreams for a better world. I was truly touched by many of the people I came in contact with, whether they know it or not. I admire the strength of all those who were willing to share their stories, viewpoints and ideas with a group of strangers. We all came in knowing hardly anyone and we left with the overwhelming feeling that we are actually part of something much bigger than ourselves, and that together we can make a difference in this world.

After the TWLOHA conference I am filled with this need to do something meaningful with my life. I want the life I was created for… I believe my life and my story is here to make a difference, I believe that they can and will impact people in this world. I want something more than what I have now. And I am willing to do all I can to see that happen.

In my own way I am opening the door for real conversations about these topics. At my desk at work I have my flyer for the Out of the Darkness Overnight displayed, and when people have asked me what it is, I share a little bit about the Foundation as well as my motivation to walk. I am not ashamed of my past and I have gotten an overwhelming response. The majority of my donations so far have been from my coworkers which is an amazing accomplishment for me. The conference allowed me to interact with others that are in the same boat as me, and gave me the extra push to come out of my shell and speak about what is on my heart without having to make the other person or myself feel uncomfortable.

I am thankful for the opportunity to participate in the Overnight Walk because it gives me the motivation to keep these conversations alive in the world around me and it continues to add fuel to my passion to be a part of something greater than myself. By participating in this walk we are giving a voice to those who have made the decision to end their lives. We are showing that this is something that can be prevented with the right help, funding and support. If we don’t take the stand and fight the stigma…how many more people will lose their lives to the battles in their minds. I for one will never stop fighting to break down the walls.

You can’t change the world from your couch

Posted by Hope Rising on April 2, 2011
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In order to change the world, you have to step out of the box in your comfort zone first. I was brought up with this deep feeling that my life had to be more than just for me; I guess I have always wanted to change the world. A lot of that comes from my parents and the way I was raised and the things I saw as I was growing up. (Thanks Mom and Dad) But as much as that desire burned strong within me, I sometimes found myself silencing it because of fear, because of finances or any other number of reasons. I always had an excuse for why I couldn’t go out there and do the things I dreamed of doing. I got stuck in the comfort zone of putting up barriers and having explanations. It was as if I had to keep up the façade with my words, but I wasn’t willing to work for it with my actions. Sadly, that attitude began to creep into so many areas of my life. On paper I seemed like this amazing person who was going to do so much and be so much for the world and for those around her, but in person I was ashamed of myself. I wasn’t doing anything to make sure I reached the goals I had told everyone I wanted to reach. But I am sick of trying to convince myself to believe that I can change the world just by sitting on my couch. I am sick of trying to get by on just my words alone and believe that my dreams will just fall into my lap someway somehow. I am sick of being disappointed when I look at my life, and think of where I could be if I just applied myself. I have to set goals for myself and stick to those goals; I just have to start small because I don’t want to get overwhelmed. But I will no longer start the race with a running head start only give up and watch from the sidelines long before it is over. My first goal is :To raise the money and complete the 18 mile walk for The Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention. I have wanted to participate in this walk for about 3 years now, but I never even bothered to try because of fear. I looked at the $1000.00 fundraising goal and immediately doubted that I would be able to raise that amount. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to complete the 18 mile course before I even attempted to train for it. I killed my goal before it even had the chance to see the light… But not this year… I put aside the fear and took a leap of faith and I registered. I have only raised $365 to date but I know that God will make a way and provide. I have challenged myself to start training and start saving some money by walking the 5 miles home from work at least 3 times a week and move up my training from there. I know that I will push myself to finish the 18 miles, I have to for my team and for myself. My second goal is: To complete my IMALIVE Online Suicide Intervention Specialist training before the summer. I am almost halfway through the program, but I let fear, distractions and life situations take a hold of me and I had to take a break. I was so sure of myself going in, but as I neared the end I got so nervous that I wouldn’t be good enough or that I would fail as a counselor. But as Gandhi once said, “you may never know what results come from you action, But if you do nothing there will be no result. So for now those are two goals I have set for myself, I know they are attainable, so its up to me to keep my word and get up off the couch and start taking the steps to help me reach my dreams.