recovery

All posts tagged recovery

Thank You for Supporting Me.

Posted by Hope Rising on June 2, 2016
Posted in: Fundraising, Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

With just two days left until I take to the streets once again for Suicide Prevention, and I am blown away by the donations that continue to pour in. I have said it before but it needs to be said again, not only are you supporting an organization near and dear to my heart, you are supporting me.

Not only are you believing that I will push my body to conquer these 18 miles, you are believing that I will conquer the battles of my mind.

You are giving me the strength to choose recovery each and every day, even when it is difficult.

You are helping me to believe that the better days are still ahead like the sunrise that follows the darkness of the night.

You are helping me to continue to believe that there is power in my story, not only as catharsis for myself, but also to help others to be brave with their own stories and seek recovery as well.

You are helping me to believe that a future in the field of Mental Health counseling is not only possible, but it is what I have been called to do, and prepared for by own life’s circumstances.

You are helping to create initiatives and programs that will reach people when they are at their lowest and darkest and feel most alone. I have been in that place and by reaching out to others we can help save lives before it is too late.

and most of all you are supporting a community of people who have helped change my life in so many ways, and continue to do so.

So I thank you, for always believing in me. My heart is so full as I prepare once again to take this physical journey, and I know that you have all been behind me every step of the way through my own journey of recovery

Giving Thanks

Posted by Hope Rising on April 26, 2016
Posted in: Faith, Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

 

My faith has always been a huge part of my life, and it has always been an important part of my recovery. As i have shared many times in the past, my faith community is such a large piece of my support system, and for them I am thankful. But even greater than the love of an earthly family, is the Love of my Savior. Who rescued me from a life that was full of darkness and dead things.

Last year in Texas, I was facing a new chapter in my life. I was stepping out of my comfort zones, and it was scary and exhilarating and it was hard. In April of last year, I was only newly walking the road of recovery for a few short months, and it was a daily struggle. But in the midst of that struggle I was asked to share my truth, to tell my story…open and honestly. The thought excited and also scared me straight to my core. But I knew, that if I didn’t… I would carry the burden of shame and secrets with me, and it would destroy me as it had so many times before. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was what i needed to do. I needed to be brave with my story, to release my pain, and to help others do the same.

and for that opportunity i am so thankful. because it has changed my life.

and a part of me knew that. even last year. even with all the thoughts going through my head.  I knew it was all part of a bigger plan.

I was so far away from God in those days, because I felt my struggle discount my worth for His Love. I thought I had strayed too far away to be helped, to be changed. But that morning, I was struck with the Truth that dissolved all those doubts. I knew I would walk out of this experience changed.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

The morning of the Overnight Walk, I woke up with that verse in my heart. Playing over and over in my head. Reminding me that the path I have taken in my life, is not in vain, there is purpose in the pain. There is a calling over my life that I cannot deny.

I made my way to Thanksgiving square, and there was a weight on my heart. Not a burden. But a heavy feeling of thanksgiving that was overwhelming me. I entered the chapel and there was no one there, but as I sat and prayed and worshiped..the power of grace and love was so heavy in that room. Alone in that room, I gave my life back over to God. I trusted him for the first time in a very long time. I believed in His unyielding power to redeem my story. To redeem my life, from the pit of darkness that I had been living in. I made a promise to walk each day in recovery, to treat this body with the care and respect that it deserves. To treat this life, as the gift that it really is.

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As the light shone through the intricate glass work of the chapel windows, I could feel the light being awakened in my own life. and a peace surrounded me, like none I had ever felt before. I knelt  in thanksgiving. Thanking God once again for the second chance at life. Thanking Him for the opportunity to share my story to help others and to be a light in their darkness. I was changed in that room, and in that moment I found a bravery that could only come from HIM.

 

I’ll be with you through the dark..

Posted by Hope Rising on April 12, 2016
Posted in: Fundraising, Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

And I’ll be with you through
The dark so that you do not,
Go through the dark alone.
   ~Biloxi Parish- The Gaslight Anthem

Depression, for me, has been like a darkness where all hope seems lost, and I can’t find my way left or right of it. In the beginning it was so difficult, because I didn’t let anyone in, and I carried the burden alone. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, I know now that I was just doing more damage to myself. When I finally allowed people in, it wasn’t a magical cure. The darkness didn’t just float away and all was right with the world immediately. It took time, it was a long journey, and in many ways it is a journey I am still on.

But those people I let in, they became my guides. They took my hand and led me to the resources that I needed. They led me to safe places where I could share my truth. And each time I wanted to give up, they held my hand tighter to remind me that I was never alone. And on the really hard days, they carried me step by step until I found the strength to try again.

And as we continued, to move forward..together.. The light began seeping in.

And that is why the Overnight Walk is so important to me.

Each year as I take this symbolic journey of 16 miles through the night,
I am reminded how my community rallied together to get me out of the darkness and into the light.

And as I walk alongside others, I know that each person is at a different point of their journey,
But I want to do for others what other so selflessly did for me.
For more than just this night, I want to walk with you.
I want to take your hand and guide you to where you need to be.

I want you to be able to witness the glorious sunrise at the end of the journey and realize just how far you have come. I want you to know that you are never alone, I will be right here through it all.

Take my hand. Together we can get through this.

 

Click here to support me on the Out of The Darkness Overnight Walk

Fan the Flames.

Posted by Hope Rising on April 2, 2016
Posted in: Fundraising, The Overnight. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

Each year as I prepare to do the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, I am blown away by the outpouring of support I receive. So far I am more than halfway to my goal and there are only two months until the walk. But, it isn’t just financial backing that means so much to me. Each and every person who I have shared my story with, and has still welcomed me with open arms, I thank you. For the friends who are there in the latest hours of the night, in the darkest times of my life, I thank you. For those who constantly reach out to me, to tell me how proud they are of me, and how they believe in me, I thank you.

Because it is so much more than just this journey of 18 miles. This is my life story. This is my passion. And every single person who sows into me, is fanning the flame within me. With my amazing support system behind me… I know I can do this. I know I can walk through the night, even if I have to fight my body to do so. I know that I can stand up and continue to be brave with my story. I know that I can continue to push forward and reach for my dreams. I know that I can continue to celebrate important milestones of recovery, and they are as important to me as they are to those who love me.

When the dark days come, and pain tries to destroy me… all I have to do is look around and know that I am never alone. I am blessed to be surrounded by the people that I love, and who love me without condition.

So thank you for being a part of this journey.
Not only for the Overnight.

The Journey of life.

I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for all of you.
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#imnotashamed

Posted by Hope Rising on January 25, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 2 Comments

My struggle with depression and self harm began at 13 years old, and since then I have worn my story on my body. And for so many years, I wore it with shame.

At 16 years old, my addiction to self harm had grown out of control and it was my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I was forced into treatment. During that time when I needed support the most, all I felt was the shame of my family. The questions of “how could I do this to THEM?”, “what would other people think about us?” were constantly flooding my mind. I was ashamed because I felt I was weak.

At 19 years old I ran an old friend and she noticed the scars on my wrists and she said “you’re still doing that? i thought you would grow out of it.” Instantly I felt ashamed that I was still struggling, as if mental illness could be “just a phase”, as if depression could be something I could just shake off and I wasn’t strong enough to do so for so long.

At 22 I found myself once again standing on the edge of choosing death over life. Depression gripped me tightly. The razor brought me relief from constant mental turmoil, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my life to end.

Thankfully it didn’t.

The road to recovery hasn’t always been an easy one. It has been filled with many highs and lows. Many setbacks, but i keep moving forward. I am more than depression. I am more than addiction. I am more than self injury.

My life is a bright beautiful reminder that the dark times do not last forever. Eventually, the sun begins to shine through. Through the cracks and crevices of that brokenness and brings warmth to those deep cold places.

I had to learn to ignore the lies of stigma and shame in order to fully understand that depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, is not a sign of weakness, it is not a character flaw. It is a sickness like any other that needs treatment. It doesn’t just “go away”. Treatment looks different for each and every individual and that is o.k., but what is not o.k. is letting an illness go untreated because others don’t think you should feel what you feel.

Tackling depression and self injury has shown me that I am far stronger than I ever could imagine. It has taught me, like so many things in life, you can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is a full community of people like me out there, who are battling their illnesses bravely and living the best versions of their lives that is possible. I never thought I would be grateful for my struggles, but I am. I am so thankful that I can appreciate the fullness of what my life is right at this moment because I have seen the depths of darkness and despair. And even on the hard days it is easier to keep moving forward because I have seen how far I have come.

The struggles of my former life, have birthed a new dream in me. A dream to create a non profit where I can help others to find their healing through counseling, community, faith and hope.

I am more than mental illness.

I am a warrior.

and I am not ashamed.

(not so)Tiny Victories

Posted by Hope Rising on January 17, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . 1 Comment

The last few days I have been under the weather. After going through my previous years on Facebook, I have noticed that I am always sick around this time. I think it has a lot to do with the stress of the holidays and the toll that it can take on my body. The holidays are a stressful time for most people, but even more so for someone who struggles with depression. The running around, the forced interactions, long nights…it all adds up and when it all winds down it wreaks quite a bit of havoc.

For me the most challenging thing of being sick is that it puts all my emotions on high alert. I felt more easily agitated, sadness comes in waves and loneliness seems like it hangs over me.

Even though I was feeling under the weather I decided to attend my company’s holiday party. This was maybe not the best decision. Without going into too much detail I am just faced with certain people and situations I would much rather avoid.

As the night wore on, I could feel certain emotions just creeping up on me. It was getting to be too heavy for me. Normally, (unfortunately) my coping mechanism is to usually numb the emotions with alcohol, or seek solace in a razor. But I didn’t want to run away, I didn’t want this certain situation to have such a hold on my life, my emotions, and my overall mental health….because it does not deserve to have that place in my life. I reached out to my support system, but ultimately I  had to make the decision to stay strong. No one else can save me from my choices but me.

I am still working through some of my emotions and still trying to find closure from the situation in general…but I am so thankful that I did not take a step back in my recovery. I did not give another person the power to take away what I have worked so hard for… as I did 2 years ago. It was not easy to sit there and actually  feel my way through the negative emotions, but it was necessary. Recovery is not about running away and numbing. It is about feeling what needs to be felt and handling it in healthy and productive ways. So even though I was home alone by 11pm. For me it was a victory. I could lay my head to rest and KNOW I  hadn’t thrown anything away.

I am thankful for the friend, who in the late hours of the night was there reminding me of how big a step I had taken and how important this small victory is. In all honesty to some it may seem small, but as I continue to reflect on it, I see how important this step was in my recovery. Many more situations may arise, and they will be difficult to face, but I am proving to myself each day that I can do this. That I can stay healthy. And I can make this a lifetime commitment.

So today I celebrate a new victory on my road of recovery.

 

 

Choosing Gratitude

Posted by Hope Rising on December 30, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

2015 was a year of significant highs and lows. But as I prepare to bring the year to a close, I look back with gratitude. I choose to give prominence to the good times I have experienced, and let go of the things that have hurt me. I choose gratitude because I am stronger, healthier, happier, & wiser than I was just one year ago. I choose gratitude because I have continued to move forward in my recovery and toward my dreams. I choose gratitude because I continue to be blessed by amazing friendships who continue to be an all important part of my support system.

2015 was a year of:
Adventure
Transparency
Honesty
Growth
Friendship &&
Amazing Memories

I learned how to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the “come what may” of life. And for that I am grateful.

It is not always easy to be grateful. But I am learning that it is an attitude  have to choose each and every day. Nothing that has happened to me in my life is out of coincidence, it has all been for a reason. When i am able to look at the bigger picture, looking beyond the pain of a moment….I choose to be grateful for this journey that I am walking. The things I dream of doing would not be possible if I hadn’t walked this journey.

This journey has fueled a passion in me, a passion to help others, a passion to change the world.

And for that…. I am grateful.

 

So I say goodbye to 2015, and a welcome 2016 with open arms. Grateful for the opportunities I have been given. Grateful for the people I have been surrounded with. Grateful for the love and support that I have been showered with. Grateful that I am able to give a voice to my story, and possibly help someone out there find their voice too.

I am ready for the journey before me.

A silent Thanksgiving

Posted by Hope Rising on November 27, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

If I am being honest, I was beating myself up over not writing a  post on Thanksgiving.

I had a rough emotional week, and I really couldn’t pinpoint the trigger, I don’t know if it was just entering the Holiday season which awakens these all too familiar feelings or other situations in my life just starting weighing heavy on my heart to the point where I could no longer control the floodgates.

I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday in bed, unfortunately allowing myself to wallow in those negative feelings. But thank the Lord that there are still people out there that are vigilant, and who reach out when they sense that something just isn’t right. With the help of some very kind and uplifting words and the outpouring of love, I find the strength to get up and fight. To get out of bed, to pray and worship and just get myself out of the “funk”.

Holidays are hard for me. Even when I am surrounded by a multitude of people, I feel so alone. It has been that way for a long time. Knowing this I try to surround myself with positive people in my life during these times. Unfortunately that doesn’t always mean family. I have said it before and I will say it again: I love my family. I just don’t feel they will ever understand many of the things I have struggled with,.not for lack of trying, but it’s just not something they can connect to on a personal level. Knowing that I find myself pulling away from them during the times we are supposed to be the most connected.

I just wish I could come out and talk to them, honestly…raw..like I can here.

When I am having a bad body image day, for them to be able to tell me I am still beautiful and that the food at the table doesn’t control me. When I don’t have the strength to get out of bed, to have someone there who will crawl in and just BE with me in that moment. When I want to run to old comforts that I would have someone there to remind me how far I have come.

Because in the fog of depression, its hard to remember those things. Its hard to feel or imagine anything outside of the current state you are in. Human connection is something so powerful, a kind word or touch like a hug can really make the difference for someone who is struggling.

And I guess not having that in those moments made everything feel so much worse than it was.

But I put on a brave face and hid the tears behind sunglasses and the pain behind the smiles.

I know that I have an amazing support system outside of my bloodlines, but it’s hard for me to reach out especially now. Everyone is celebrating and happy and a part of me doesn’t want to be a burden and ruin the perfect pictures they have going on right now. I know that I will get chastised a thousand times for even thinking that way, but it’s something I have to work on.

Even still. I am grateful for many things.

Even if I was silent..I am still thankful.

in the moment

Posted by Hope Rising on April 25, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I have struggled with depression since I was 13 years old, and it has affected my life in many ways. One of the biggest things it takes away from me, is the ability to live in the moment. To allow myself to be immersed in the beauty around and fully drink in the moments. For me, it means not being able to make memories. You don’t realize how much of impact that can have on your life, until you experience it.
Thank goodness for technology and the ability to capture moments and savor them later. Without photographs or videos I may have missed out on some of the most important events in my life.
Last summer I had the once in the lifetime opportunity to travel out of the country and visit two of my bucket list places: London and Paris. But I was not “in the moment” while I was there. Even though I wasn’t experiencing the flown blown symptoms of depression  that I had in the past, it took a toll on my trip. I couldn’t connect my mind and my body to understand that I was in these magnificent places. I was agitated when I should have been elated. I just wanted to sleep when I should have been wanting to get up at the crack of dawn to take it all in. I didn’t want to take pictures because I was being overly critical of my body. On the outside I was smiling and happy and on the inside I felt nothing.
As the months went on the depression got deeper and I started reverting back to old behaviors to cope. Eventually it lead to a break down, and I had to take a step back and take it all in. I went back into therapy and received the help I needed. It has only been a few months, but I can feel the difference.

A few days ago I traveled to Texas, alone.

I was expecting to feel lonely and isolated, and holed up in my room with my laptop writing.
The opposite has happened and I am blown away, by how much of a difference it has made. I had to CHOOSE to let down my walls, get out of my comfort zone and get out of my own head.

 

And that was the best choice I have made. I have met some great people, people who don’t even know me, but take me in like I am part of their group. People who are not afraid to share their stories with me and allow me to share a piece of my story with them.
Even in the times when I am alone and exploring the city, the kind smiles from strangers and just allowing my self to be in the moment…every moment.
I may not have many photos, or videos or blogs from this trip. BUT I have memories. And for me that’s an important thing.
I feel like I am finally taking my life back.

I feel like I am connecting…with people.

And with this experience.
I will continue to live each day in the moment.

This is my fight song..

Posted by Hope Rising on April 20, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UqfrH74wc0

 

This weekend I will be traveling 1500 miles to participate in my 3rd Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention. Every year is an emotional journey for so many reasons, but this year in a way its even more emotional for me. This year I have been selected to stand on stage and represent those of us who wear the “green beads”…those who struggle with depression, addiction and other mental disorders. For me this is such an important gesture, because I wholeheartedly believe that mental illness or the things we struggle do not have the power to keep us from our dreams. I am suicide attempt survivor. Someone who battled depression for more than a decade. Someone who struggled with addictions that destroyed my life ,my relationships, my body, and the how I viewed my self.
But I am here, years later getting the training that will allow me to be able to help others in the future. Some days are still hard, but I have the tools and support system that allow me to handle those feelings. I am not defined by a mental illness, or an addiction. Many have done it before me, and I will help other to do the same in their own lives.
I will fight everyday. Because I am stronger than the things that want to destroy me.

 

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
(Starting right now) I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song

 

I encourage everyone out there to keep fighting. I believe in you.