recovery

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The Overnight Walk 2018: Dallas

Posted by Hope Rising on March 19, 2018
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

For the last 7 years I have signed up for the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention, to push my body through 16-18 miles through the night from sunset to sunrise. In the rain, in the cold, in the Texas Heat, the sultry summers Of New York. I have traveled from coast to coast for these events. And each time i cross that finish line, it is another victory. A personal one, and for Mental Health Awareness in general.

Over the last 7 years, I have participated in this journey through the night as as symbol of my own journey out of the darkness. Each year is another chance to celebrate the milestones in my personal life. Through this event I found a purpose, and it fueled my passion to help others. Through the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, I was able to gain education and training which have helped me in my professional role as a Mental Health Counselor.

This year I will return to Dallas, Texas for the Overnight Walk. My trip to Dallas 3 years ago was a catalyst in my own recovery in so many ways, and it also connected me with an amazing community of people.

As I prepare to return to Texas for this year’s walk, I feel quite emotional.
I reflect on all the strides I have made in the last 3 years and I feel blessed.
Three years ago, I was picking up the pieces of my life and I would have never imagined that it could look the way it does today.

And it is through the Overnight that I hope to continue to share my story. To inspire others, to help those who are struggling find the help they need. To reach out and let others they are not alone, the same way so many people have done for me through these events in the past. To show that you can still thrive while living with a mental health condition. And to continue to celebrate this second chance at life that I have been given.

If you would like to support me in this journey through the night, as a fight to break down silence and stigma and raise awareness for Mental Health please click the link to donate:

2018 Overnight Walk Dallas: Fundraising Page

 

 

We Made It. (repost) #NSPW17

Posted by Hope Rising on September 16, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

To those whose stories look mine,

We are alive. We made it. When your world crumbles at your feet, and your lungs are weighed down with the pressure of a million disappointments, and your heart is far too broken to pump one more ounce of blood, sometimes there only seems as if there is one choice. But if you are reading this and you have survived the darkest day(s) of your life, then I say this to you:

We are more than survivors,We are WARRIORS. Because it not been easy to pick up the pieces of our lives and place them back together. Not in the way in they once were, but into a beautiful glorious masterpiece. Yes there will be scars, there will be cracks in our crevices, but still we are beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. And i know its not easy, and I know some days you still want to give up, and you don’t yet see that beauty. But know this: You have touched my life, you have made a difference just by being in it.

We have made it this far. and that is the testament to the fight that is within us, even when we don’t think we have the strength to fight anymore. So on the days that you feel like giving up, remember how far you have come. Remember how much you are loved. Remember that someone out there can’t imagine their life without you in it.

I know that it is not easy, because I walk the same road. But never once think that you fight this alone. You don’t have to give in to the thoughts of destruction. I promise you this life, is worth fighting for. Things take time. It isn’t going to be perfect. And it wont seem better right away. But if you are willing to fight, dear warrior. I’ll stand right beside you and wage war.

 

To Close out National Suicide Prevention Week I wanted to share this piece of spoken word poetry that I absolutely love. I believe in power of words, for in the depths of my own despair someone took the time to speak HOPE and LIFE into me. A year ago I came across this spoken word poetry and I could not help but be brought to tears. I urge you to take a few minutes out of your day and just watch this video and let the words move you.

 

 

 

We have made it this far. Let us make the promise to ourselves and each other, that we will fight for our tomorrows.

 

WSPD 2017: #IWASMADEFOR

Posted by Hope Rising on September 10, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , . 1 Comment

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Each year for World Suicide Prevention Day, To Write Love on Her Arms organizes a campaign centered around a theme. And each year I participate in sharing my story in relation to that theme.

This years theme: Stay. Find what you were made for.

In a year where I have experienced the highest of highs and the deepest pains. A  year where I spend days helping strangers fight the grips of addiction and my nights begging those I care for to just hold on. A year where I have finally felt as if I put my struggles far behind me, only to be thrown into circumstances that were all too familiar and far too painful to bear. A year when I stepped away from a life that was comfortable and easy and jumped feet first into the unknown. A year where I finally had my dreams come true and celebrated yet another milestone in my recovery.

This theme seems almost like kismet to me, because this has been a year that has tried and tested me, shown beauty and strength in the trials, and made me realize just what I was made for.

I  was made for dancing beneath the moonlight with sand between my toes.
for the tranquility and peace that an ocean can bring.
for standing in the rain and letting joy wash over me.
for the divine pain that comes from laughing too hard for too long with loved ones.
for the feeling of awe that covers me every time I watch the sun set.
for warm cups of coffee on silent cloudy days
for the adventures and wisdom found between the pages of a book.
for the rhythm of drums and guitars that flow through my veins.
for the words in the songs that feel as if they were written for myself alone.

I was made for the power of forgiveness and redemption.
for lifting others up and never tearing down
for sharing in the sacred joys in the lives of those I love.
for the power of a good conversation and a good meal
for midnight phone calls and the comfort in the strength of arms.

I was made for COMMUNITY.
I was made for meeting others in the midst of their labyrinth and guiding them to light.
I was made to hold the broken pieces of others lives and help them find the beauty in putting it back together.
I was made for embracing my own second chance at life and helping others do the same.

I was made for LOVING fiercely and fully.

I made for believing in HOPE.

I was made to live this life with intention, gratefully, joyfully, and courageously

Because I am a living, breathing, glorious second chance.

Because I chose to Stay. To find what I was made for.

So Please Stay. Find what YOU were made for.

The 2017 Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention

Posted by Hope Rising on February 3, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

This year I will be traveling to San Diego, California to participate in my 5th Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention.

The Overnight Walk is a 16-18 mile walk that takes place each year beginning at sunset and going through the night until the sunrise. This is meant to symbolize bringing the issues of suicide and mental health conditions Out of the Darkness and into the light of day. This event aims to break down the stigma that is so often entangled with these subjects.

The Overnight Walk creates a safe space for those who have lost someone they love to suicide to grieve together and celebrate the memory of their loved ones. And for other participants, like myself, who struggle with mental health conditions, it is a safe place to not only share our stories of hope, but to find warmth, love and compassion in the arms of others who understand. It a safe place to create a conversation that will go far beyond ourselves, and save lives by breaking the silence.

Many of us have struggled in the darkness for so long, because we have been told that suicide, addiction, and mental health conditions are not be spoken about. And we have had to carry the burden alone for a long time. But it is through the Overnight Walk that we allow ourselves the freedom to raise our voice, to crack through the silence of the night, and call attention to the bigger picture.

Talking about suicide, saves lives. By breaking walls of the things that we are not “supposed to talk about”, we allow those who are in the deepest pain to reach out to us when it is most needed. And we allow ourselves to step into those dark situations and offer hope, even when others may not feel it. WE are a safe haven, and we want to extend that compassion and hope to the communities and individuals we encounter on a daily basis. Whether it is our closest friend, or a stranger on the commute to work, we aim to be the connection that keep someone from the brink of life and death.

As I continue to prepare for this year’s event, I will continue to share my connection to the cause. I ask that you watch the video down below to understand just how impacting this event is to those of who participate in it.

If you would like to donate this event and support me in my own journey of overcoming the darkness please click here: 2017 Overnight Walk Fundraising Page 

Welcome to Midnight: 2017

Posted by Hope Rising on January 1, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

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Welcome to Midnight

Every year I come back to this post because there is something so honest about it.

As I stood on the edge of 2016, I was hopeful. I was filed with such determination to not allow the year the play out like every single one before it. For the first time in a very long time,  I believed in the power of change.
I believed that I could leave it all behind me.

In those moments, Hope was a Wildfire.
And that Hope fueled me through the tough months ahead.

Midnight meant that I made through  nearly one year of recovery, but it was still a new road to me. It was self preservation and determination that had gotten me through.
But I wanted to thrive, not just survive.

I remember ringing in the new year watching Demi Lovato perform, someone who I look up to in recovery because our paths have looked a lot alike. And I was proud in those moments to see her happy and healthy and living her dreams and I wanted the same.

I welcomed the possibility of a life truly free of the things that I have battled for so long.
A year where I wouldn’t drown my sorrows in alcohol and the comfort of a razor.
A year where I could be healthy enough to help others.
A year where I could see my dreams coming to fruition.
A year where happiness and love would overflow
instead of the cover of darkness and depression.

and as I stand on the edge of 2017…

Every single one of those Hopes has come to pass.
And my heart can barely handle just grateful I feel in these moments.

2017 is the continuation of something wonderful,

of something I have fought for so many years to finally have…

A LIFE I LOVE.

WELCOME 2017, let’s make it a good one.

 

We Made It

Posted by Hope Rising on September 12, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

 

To those whose stories look mine,

We are alive. We made it. When your world crumbles at your feet, and your lungs are weighed down with the pressure of a million disappointments, and your heart is far too broken to pump one more ounce of blood, sometimes there only seems as if there is one choice. But if you are reading this and you have survived the darkest day(s) of your life, then I say this to you:

We are more than survivors,We are WARRIORS. Because it not been easy to pick up the pieces of our lives and place them back together. Not in the way in they once were, but into a beautiful glorious masterpiece. Yes there will be scars, there will be cracks in our crevices, but still we are beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. And i know its not easy, and I know some days you still want to give up, and you don’t yet see that beauty. But know this: You have touched my life, you have made a difference just by being in it.

We have made it this far. and that is the testament to the fight that is within us, even when we don’t think we have the strength to fight anymore. So on the days that you feel like giving up, remember how far you have come. Remember how much you are loved. Remember that someone out there can’t imagine their life without you in it.

I know that it is not easy, because I walk the same road. But never once think that you fight this alone. You don’t have to give in to the thoughts of destruction. I promise you this life, is worth fighting for. Things take time. It isn’t going to be perfect. And it wont seem better right away. But if you are willing to fight, dear warrior. I’ll stand right beside you and wage war.

 

To Close out National Suicide Prevention Week I wanted to share this piece of spoken word poetry that I absolutely love. I believe in power of words, for in the depths of my own despair someone took the time to speak HOPE and LIFE into me. A year ago I came across this spoken word poetry and I could not help but be brought to tears. I urge you to take a few minutes out of your day and just watch this video and let the words move you.

 

 

 

We have made it this far. Let us make the promise to ourselves and each other, that we will fight for our tomorrows.

 

WSPD16: And so I kept living

Posted by Hope Rising on September 10, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

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It could not be extinguished

The life force that burned like a wildfire deep within me.

Heart beating within my chest 
Pumping Hope through my veins.

Urging me to just hold on,

Not to give up

Not to give in

To the fear, hurt, doubt and disappointment that was trying to drown me alive.

Life saving words floating from the mouths of strangers and those I love.

A chorus of  “You are worth living. I love you. Please don’t give up.”

Since I was 18 years old there has been one word that has been spoken over my life

Time after time after time:

Purpose.

And even on the nights when I wanted to bleed my sorrows out on bathroom floors

When the thoughts in my head screamed hate and disappointment.

The steady beating of my heart would not let me forget:

You were born for more than this.

This life you have been given is for a reason.

There are others out there who need you to help them.

Your heart, though it may be broken, was created to help carry the burdens of others.

Your hands, though they  hold a razor right now, will one day help to bring healing to another.

Your eyes,though they are filled with tears, will one day look into the eyes of another and remind them how deeply they are loved.

And one day, on the brink of giving it all up.

I chose to embrace this word called Purpose.

I chose to believe.

Chose to believe that I did not suffer in silence.

Chose to believe that I was not alone.

Chose to believe that this was all for a reason.

And so I kept living.

I kept fighting for my better tomorrow.

I kept choosing life even when it was difficult to do so.

I chose to put the razor down, throw the pills into the garbage

And survived on words of Hope instead.

600 days of choosing life.

And this life is vastly different than the one I left behind.

Purpose is coming to fruition.

 

NSPW16:#TransformationTuesday

Posted by Hope Rising on September 7, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

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If you had told me at 13 years old that this was what my life was going to look like,  I wouldn’t have believed you. In fact, if you had told me a year and a half ago,  I wouldn’t have believed you.

When you are in such emotional distress that you can’t see past your pain, you can’t imagine a life where anything is different.  Over the last 16 years, I walked a road of depression and struggled with self injury, and i thought about ending my life.

When I couldn’t see a way out of the pain in my head and my heart, I thought my only choice was to end my life. I spent so much time putting on a brave face, and lying to myself and to those around me about the state of my recovery. I was hanging on by a thread, and no one even knew it. I knew how to make people believe that I was doing ok. I knew how to lie my way through the hard questions, because it was easier than facing reality.

Until I couldn’t lie anymore.
New Years Day 2015 right after the stroke of midnight I found myself in all too familiar place. Crying and  bleeding on a bathroom floor while so many around me were celebrating new beginnings. The same place and the same way I began 2014. And I couldn’t do it anymore. Sitting there on the floor on the phone with my best friend, for the first time I made a choice to really get help. To stop playing games with my life and my mental health. To possibly check myself into a hospital to get the treatment I needed. In those moments I didn’t care about work or school or what others would think. I finally saw worth in my life and I saw that I was worth recovery.

I started 2015 with HOPE in my heart that I could and  I would get better.
I started counseling.
I let go of my vices.
and over the last year and a half I let go of toxic relationships.
I chose LIFE.

and I sit here on the eve of a new chapter in my life with tears in my eyes. Because for the first time.. I am OK. I don’t have to lie about recovery because I have been choosing it everyday for the last 595 days.

I am more than OK.  I am healthy. and I am happy. and fight for it every day.
and because I have fought the things that have tried to destroy me, I can help others do the same.

It has not been easy, there have been many things that have happened to me over the last year and a half that have tried to knock me down. Depression hasn’t just magically gone away. But I have the tools to be able to live a life that is worth living, even if it means living with a mental health condition. This life is still worth it to me. I am worth it.

I gave my self the chance to see 595 tomorrows, and it has been the best and greatest journey that I have been in my 29 years on Earth.

The Overnight 2016

Posted by Hope Rising on June 28, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

And I will stay up through the night
And let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my life
Sia- Elastic Heart

June 4th, 2016 I completed my 4th Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention. It was probably the most difficult one for me to date. Emotionally and physically, there were so many times I wanted to quit, but I had to convince my body keep fighting, to keep pushing through and make it to the end. Because I knew deep down inside that this year’s journey was so much more than about the miles that I would tackle. It was about breakthrough. It was about facing the things I did not want to face, feeling the emotions I have tucked away in the recesses of my mind because I was afraid they would break me. I knew that if I could face my fears, I could finally put the past behind me.

I could have given up. I could have decided that my body deserved a break. I could have decided that pain was going to win the fight. I could have decided to push the past under the rug where it had been hiding for years.

But I chose to fight.
I chose to walk through the fire.
To face my past.
To face everything that has been done to me.
and everything I have done  to myself in return.
To be honest about the path it has taken me to get to this place.

 

8 miles in and I had to face the past. On the Brooklyn Bridge.
Pain came in waves. In images. and grief that landed like a sucker punch to my chest.
What brought the most pain was seeing a life that had been turned into something so hopeless and so hidden from the outside world. Hidden behind smiles, and rehearsed responses. Trying to be brave when the thought of falling apart consumed every waking moment. A life bearing physical and emotional scars that were continually being reopened.

I do not wish that life on anyone.

But that life, I do not live it anymore.
That life was no life at all.

Because I am worth recovery.
I am worth feeling whole.
I am worth the fight to snatch back every ounce of myself that has been stolen by the words and the actions of others.
I am worth the power of redemption.
I am worth a second chance at life.

So i left it behind.
And I chose to chase after freedom.

And the most beautiful part of it all was that I never had to face any of it alone.
I was surrounded by community. Surrounded by friends, who have felt like I have felt at one time or another. Surrounded by warriors, who were taking back their lives just like I was. Surrounded by families and friends who were turning pain into something positive and beautiful, as I aspire to do.

This year I needed them. And they did not let me down.

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In the city that I love….

Posted by Hope Rising on June 10, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , . 1 Comment

…the city that holds so much pain.

260311_667846798048_5271882_nAnyone who knows me, knows how deeply I love the city of my birth. I spend so much time exploring its hidden treasures, my heart beat syncing in time with the sounds of Manhattan. There have been places I have been scared to face, because they hold too many memories, and far too much pain. Places that at one point in my life were landmarks  of my heart, where the most significant moments of my life occurred.

On the shores of the East River, I learned about love and serenity, & about pain and regret. And high above the water, when there was no hope left inside my bones, I contemplated ending my life.

I have been running, and avoiding for so long. I knew the day would come when I had to go back. When I had to yank those places from the pit of despair that they had become for me, and reclaim them as beautiful parts of this city that I love.

On June 4th, that day came.
I wasn’t prepared for how much it would hurt.

When i signed up for this years Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention in NYC, I knew there was a chance the route would take me through the places I didn’t think I was ready to face.

As I stepped onto the Brooklyn bridge for the first time in 4 years, every part of me wanted to run the other way. With every step, the thoughts raced through my mind of the last time I was there. Every conversation, every fight, every act of betrayal came rushing back in as if I was feeling it for the first time. I couldn’t breathe.. I wanted to turn back..but I knew I had to keep moving forward.

When I finally stopped, and looked out over the water, I knew I had to let it go.

I felt so many things in those few moments standing on the bridge,it felt like it had been an eternity. Through the flood of emotions and images, I chose to rewrite the story. This time I wasn’t going to let it break me. This time I was going to leave the pain in the past where it belongs, and move on from it.

I could have faced it all alone. But the beauty of the life that I have been given, is that I didn’t have to. What better place to face the battles and demons of the past than with a group of people who understand. I stood there in my pain and my grief, and allowed my friends to support me through it. Friends that have  known the great pain of my past decision, because they too have been there.

And I as continued walking across the bridge, it was as if the chains of the past had fallen off of me and into the deep dark water below never to be seen again.

And I was released.
Walking freely into the next step of recovery.

We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. ~ John Green