Celebrating Recovery

Posted by Hope Rising on March 6, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

One of the hardest things was learning I was worth recovery,” “And I’m allowed to celebrate it, which is a great feeling.” – Demi Lovato

This quote almost exactly sums up how I feel. When you have been struggling with anything for more than 10 years, its hard to believe that you will ever see a day when it isn’t part of your life. The battle in my mind is something that has been so difficult to overcome.

Sometimes being fully recovered seems so far away and so daunting that you think you can’t get there..

But Recovery is a journey…and not everyone experiences it the same way. It is not a static point on a map that determines whether you are fully recovered or not. Some days are better than others. Even through the pain, the disappointment and the sheer feeling that maybe you can’t do this… you find a day when you are able to pick up your head and remember how to breathe again… and you pick up the pieces and you move forward…in whatever way that may be.

For some it means embracing those who have supported you, removing the things that have hindered you, and forgiving those who have hurt you…jumping into life a changed person. That may mean carrying battle scars on your heart, mind and body, but those scars remind who you were and who you never want to be again.

I have learned instead to not look at the looming path of the future, but to celebrate the small steps of accomplishments along the way. And for some time I believed that it didn’t mean anything and I couldn’t do that. But i have learned that for me that is most important part of my recovery. Because when I am feeling low or lost, i look back and see just how far I have come, and I don’t want to lose it all and start over… so i make a CHOICE that no matter how I am feeling… I will move forward.. because the days ahead are better than those left behind.

This month I am celebrating the milestone in my life of being 10 months free of self injury. And I won’t let anyone or anything take that away from me. If i dwell on the comments about how I failed and barely have a year of recovery… it could destroy me. But 10 months is an amazing feeling and I am proud of that.

Recovery is a journey… and it feels long at times… but one day we will all be able to look back and see how far we have come, how many demons we have conquered and how strong and happy we are… and it will all be worth it.

So let’s celebrate our recovery…wherever we are today.

In my own skin

Posted by Hope Rising on March 3, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

 

As we wrap up National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I think its only appropriate that I share my own story.

@ddlovato: Eating disorders are serious mental illnesses, not lifestyle choices. #NEDAwareness

For many people struggling with any form of mental illness.. it means struggling alone..in darkness, and in shame. Though the tides are turning and things are starting to change in terms of awareness and stigma… still the labels are out there. Even though the topics themselves are spoken about publicly… sharing your own story and your own pain…can still be one of the scariest things. At the beginning of this year I chose a word to describe how i was going to tackle this year…and for me that word was transparency. And so in an effort to be transparent I am going to share a bit of my story that not many people know.

Ever since I was a little girl…only 11 or 12 years old, I felt like i was always competing against the prettier, more popular girls. And i always felt i came up short. In 7th grade I was jealous that I WAS one of the skinnier girls in the class and hadn’t developed a “grown up” image. I WANTED to gain weight because I felt that would help me fit in. I was proud of how i could no longer fit into kids clothes and was wearing a women’s size 1 jeans. But then the weight gain wouldn’t stop. I always felt self conscious around my classmates. They were thin yet curvy, and I was just heavy. In 8th grade, I started starving myself. I wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and try to shy away from as much dinner as possible. I was obsessed with my weight with sizes of clothes and my overall body image. This was all around the same time that my depression and self injury began as well.

When I got into high school, I hit a new stage of eating disorder. I was so depressed, I didn’t care how i looked anymore, and I turned to food for comfort when i felt alone or depressed or for any reason at all. I was binge eating. All i ever ate was junk food. candy and soda for breakfast, cookies and soda and snacks throughout the school day, and whatever cheap junk food i could find after school and at home. I would get home and sit on the couch and i could eat an entire half gallon of ice cream on my own. In my freshman year of high school alone i gained 40 lbs.

And i didn’t even notice… but my family did…and thats when the guilt kicked in. Everyone began making comments about how beautiful i used to be before i gained the weight, they pointed out how i let myself go. Everyone made jokes like it was alright to do. And I just stood quiet and took it, but inside i felt ashamed, i felt inadequate, i felt like I was worthless just because I wasn’t skinny anymore.

I became obsessed with my weight again… i wanted to diet, i was trying to control myself with all kinds of diet pills, and i was just starving myself. I was only 16 years old… and no one had any idea of how i was struggling. As much as I starved myself, I never lost the weight. I was taking more diet pills than anyone ever should…and nothing worked. By looking at me you wouldn’t think i had an eating disorder… but its not what you see that matters its the thoughts that go through your head. It is a mental illness.

I still feel like I will never be good enough unless I lose the weight. My mother has no idea of everything I have really gone through. She has no idea how her words hurt me, when she tells me I need to lose weight. She makes me feel self conscious every time she mentions some new weight loss regimen.

I hate going shopping because I feel like the numbers mock me. I feel like i wont ever really feel beautiful until I can wear a size 6 or smaller again. I judge how happy i was at a time in my life by how much i weighed and what i could fit into. I judge my self worth by how many numbers are on the scale.

I don’t control my eating, i don’t use diet pills anymore, i don’t starve. I know that means that I have come some way in my journey. But if i am being transparent and honest….

I am uncomfortable in my own skin.. and that’s the truth.

Embracing the Beautiful Things

Posted by Hope Rising on December 31, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

Tonight we prepare to say goodbye to the old year and ring in a new one, with hopeful eyes and happy hearts, and wishes that no matter if the year before was good or bad, the next one would be better.

Tonight I find myself torn between the highs and the lows. It is a familiar place, but one I will not let myself embrace. I have spent far too long giving in to the negative thoughts, giving in to the what ifs, and wondering why life doesn’t always turn out the way we have planned. But I have ended that cycle of defeat and I won’t allow it to take me hostage ever again. Why should I look back and only see the things that have hurt me, the things that have shaken me, and things that have nearly destroyed me? I look not at the negative, because I know that for every situation, every stumbling block, every fork in the road….there has a been a purpose, a lesson, and a blessing.

So tonight, I CHOOSE not to sit here with a heavy heart, instead I choose the beautiful things. This year has been a journey of discovery and rediscovery, finding parts of myself, that I had lost long ago…and finding parts of myself I never even knew I had.

This has been a year of accomplishments I could have never ever imagined. And it was all because of God in my life, and the people He has surrounded me with. This year has challenged me, and instead of trying to crawl back into a hole, and wait till things destroyed me..I decided to take a stand. I decided to speak out for myself, to let people in and know that I was hurting so that Icould finally find healing. And I spoke out for others because I believe in the power of the comfort of one hurting heart reaching out to another. I have become more active and more vocal in my own fight of recovery, as well as helping others reach their “other side”

This year I Raised close to $2000 for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. This money will be poured into prevention efforts for schools and teachers, it will help train counselors that will help families as they grieve and heal after a suicide, it will fund research that can help save lives. And for that I am proud of the support I have received from friends, family, and even strangers. It gives me hope that we will be able to touch enough people whether to support the cause, or get help if they are struggling…and maybe one day…suicide will be a thing of the past.

This year I Completed an 18 mile and 5 mile walk for AFSP in the summer and fall.

18 miles overnight was not an easy feat….but i had people cheering me on and pushing me to reach that finish line, because it meant so much to me. I was touched by all the stories I heard before and after the walks, and it truly is an inspirational and heartbreaking experience. My experience. NY1 interview AFSP 2012 Promo

3. This year I have taken the step become more active in preventing suicide. This year I became a counselor for an online suicide prevention organization called IMalive through To Write Love on Her Arms. I am still in training, but knowing one day very soon I will be helping people in a real and tangible way is more than I could have ever asked for.

4.This year I was given the opportunity to share some of my story, and bring light to the topic of Latinas and suicide, and I was featured in an article in the Daily News. It was such an exhilarating yet nerve wracking experience for me, because I know not everyone supports my decision to speak up about my past and my struggles. But I take a stand because I believe if my story can help even just one person..it was well worth it. Read Here

5. This year I have walked the journey of healing and recovery. I have triumphed over depression, I have broken an addiction of severe self injury, and I have ignored the thoughts of suicide until i couldn’t hear them anymore. As i walk into the new year I have 7 months of freedom behind me. To some that may not be much, but to me its everything. Every day is a reminder of far I have come in such a short time. Recovery is not easy. You just have to take it one day and one step at a time and before you know it you will look back and not realize how far behind you it is. This is my story.

2012 is new year. A new start. A new Life. A new Me. Because HE makes me new. So i will embrace the beautiful things that He wants to do with me, and wherever he wants to take me, and whatever lessons and blessings He has for me through the trials. I am in HIS hands.

Grief, the Holidays, and Moving on.

Posted by Hope Rising on December 19, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

As a child, thoughts of the Holidays were filled with happiness, and family and gift giving and gift getting, and sugarplum fairies. No matter what was going on in my life, the Holidays were something I looked forward to & memories that I cherished. It was one of the few times out of the year that I felt whole, I was surrounded by people I loved and who loved me. We were such a big family. Each one of us kids gathered around the tree piled with presents. Each one of us staking a claim on our designated spot on the sofas and ready to load up our bags. It was an interesting tradition to say the least, but I remember it not because of the gifts that I ripped open but because of the unity I felt with my cousins and sister & brother as we bonded, and joked, and fought over spots. I will cherish those memories forever.

But as I got older, tragedy began to strike and the reality of the Holidays became something totally different. Grief is not something that you usually hear people talking about when you talk about the Holidays. But for so many of us, it is the reality that we have come to cope with over the years. This blog is usually centered around suicide,prevention and mental illness..But, grief is something I feel at the core is universal despite the situations surrounding the circumstances of loss, whether we are prepared for it or not. I know that there are many people out there trying to make sense of it all. Trying to find a way to say goodbye and move on without forgetting and without feeling like they are losing a part of themselves or the person they have lost.

Five years ago, for the first time I lost someone so close in my life that it wrecked me to my core, as well as most of my other family members. For one whole year we did not celebrate holidays, we did not want to forget the memory of my Grandfather, and we felt we shouldn’t celebrate anything because he was now gone. We let the memory of the cancer and the loss replace what should have been a time for the family to stitch up our wounds of grief, but instead they grew, and we have never been the same as a family. Slowly we started drifting, slowly traditions began changing, and not only because we had gotten older but because bonds had been broken or challenged and things would never be the same. I would give anything to have a real family Christmas again, but the reality is that I may never see that happen again…

This year at the start of the Holiday Season we lost another close family member, another victim taken too soon by cancer. And again life has stopped; Christmas will not be celebrated in my family. I understand the grief I feel the pain and my heart hurts more than you can ever know. But I WANT to celebrate Christmas, because I know that’s what He would have wanted. He wanted His family to be together at Christmas, he wanted the kids to know that we will stick together and love on one another no matter what is going on around us. He wanted everyone to be happy, because that would have made him happy. And it hurts my heart to know that we won’t have that.

But even though I grieve…I believe Life moves on. It has to. I can’t stay in this place mentally and expect to stay healthy. Does it hurt? Yes. . Do i continue to hold a place in my heart for those I have lost over the years and treasure the memories I was able to make? Yes.

My prayer today is for all the grieving hearts out there, for those who do not know how to move forward with out their loved ones, whether it is 5 years, 1 year or just a few weeks since they have left this earth. I pray that you find the peace and beauty in this Holiday season that will give you the strength to get through the days. I pray that you find comfort that your loved one has finally found peace from whatever affliction they were suffering through. I pray that you find Hope in the fact that though we said goodbye here on Earth we will all be united one day in Heaven. I pray that you will continue to remember their lives, but not allow your own life to stop, because they would want us to keep their memory alive in happiness not in grief. I pray that each and everyone of you find comfort in the fact that YOU are NOT alone, there are other hurting hearts out there who have loved and lost and are trying to find their footing through the Holiday seasons as well.

And I know there are others out there who are struggling to be able to enjoy time with family because it is just too hard. The depression is too strong, the heartache feels unbearable, and the thought of a new year does not bring happiness but sorrow. I know because I have been there. I have enjoyed Christmas on cloud nine, only to find myself at the lowest of lows on New years eve. All dressed up, hiding alone in a room, crying, bleeding and not knowing how to face the trials of the New Year. But I have come a long way from that broken girl. I have been made whole. This is my prayer for you:

I pray that you let love in. I pray that this Holiday season you know that You are Loved, by your family, by your friends, and by God above. Earthly love may fail us, and break us..but HIS love never fails. Let yourself drown in it, and He will give you peace and strength. I pray that you find the courage to not only face tomorrow…but the year ahead as well. I pray that you truly believe me when I say..IT DOES GET BETTER. You will come out on the other side of your struggle and you will be a better person for all that you have gone through. I pray that you trust in God and believe that this pain is but for a season, and if you let God into your heart, he can fulfill the purpose for it. We are not meant to suffer in vain. Everything happens for a reason, we just have to open up our hearts to that plan in our lives, and slowly our hearts will be comforted, our wounds:mental,emotional, &physical will begin to heal. and one day we will look back on it all, and see that we are whole. I pray that for each and every one of you reading this today.

Beautiful Beautiful Life

Posted by Hope Rising on November 12, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

 

Beautiful, Beautiful by Francesca Batistelli is one of my favorite songs, at the moment because I feel that the words are ringing true in my life. Right now, to the rest of the world, it may seem like my life is falling apart. But in my eyes, heart and mind, I know that I am finally allowing God to truly put it together. I have made many mistakes in my short life, I will never deny that. But some of my greatest mistakes have been in not listening to that “still small voice inside” of me.

I chose to ignore the warning signs, I chose to ignore the thoughts in my head, the feelings deep down within my soul, and even the ache in my heart. I had so many opportunities to set myself free from these situations before it got too late, but I let pride get in the way. Pride not only comes before the fall, pride can get in the way of your blessing. I let pride keep me from experiencing the life that God wanted for me, I didn’t want to admit to the world that I had made a mistake. Saving face became more important to me than my actual happiness, health and security.

I am moving forward with my life, and am allowing God to take to me to the places he has always wanted to take me to. I am allowing the blessings to be released in my life. I am allowing happiness and peace to creep into the place where only sadness,disapointment and resentment have lurked. I choose to LEAD my heart, rather than FOLLOW it.

I am excited to see where this Beautiful, Beautiful Life takes me.

 

Depression & Mental Health Awareness

Posted by Hope Rising on October 31, 2011
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During the month of October I was out and about spreading awareness about mental health issues, such as depression as well as addiction and recovery. As many of you know my story. You know how important it is for me to speak about these issues and break the silence. I have joined AFSP as a neighborhood ambassador which allows me to further spread the message in my neighborhood with materials. I was also preparing for the NYC community walk in my area this month.

I am glad that I was able to culminate this month for myself with this walk. I was hoping to have a large group, but things didn’t plan out that way. However, I was lucky to be able to speak with a group of students (about 15 or more) who were walking, not because they have lost someone, but just because they support the cause and understand how important it is. I was able to share with them about To Write Love On Her Arms, as well as the new collaboration called IMALIVE. IMALIVE is an entirely online suicide intervention hotline which is run 100% by specially trained volunteers and supervisors. I was able to sit down with this group of teenagers and and tell them a little about my story and where I am going from here, and they shared bits of themselves with me too. I am glad to have had that experience. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong in this movement because I haven’t personally lost someone, and it is a far different experience to have personally walked the road of depression. But I know there are those who have loved and lost, those who are walking their own journey of healing, and those who just basically understand the pain that others are facing and want to do something to help.

I am thankful for the outpouring of support that I received for this second walk I participated in this year. I was able to reach my personal goal of $500.00. This means that I have raised enough funds for a survivor to have training to help other families who have recently faced a loss by suicide. It feels good to know that as I am walking for my own healing, I am helping someone to reach their own as well.

It is easy to get wrapped up in the moment of these movements, but I hope that our voices aren’t silenced in the months to come. I hope they get louder with every passing day. I hope we continue to speak out against the silence and the walls society tries to put up against these issues. Because there are lives in the balance, lives that need to know that they matter, and that we are trying to make a better world for them.

We continue to walk, we continue to speak and we continue to believe that better days are yet to come.

One common misconception

Posted by Hope Rising on September 25, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

This was the first paper I ever wrote in college. Long before I believed in myself, or even believed that my story could help others. I have come along way in 6 years, sadly the stigmas, the shame and the misconceptions remain.

The most important part of becoming an adult is finding out who you really are. But, what does this mean? First we must understand that the person we have become is actually only a culmination of our experiences, as well as the thoughts, ideas and other influences we have received from the world around us. Once you have grasped that concept, you must begin to pick apart these outside factors and choose which ones you really agree with and which ones you unconsciously adopted. Many times, included in the ideas we receive from the outside are also many misconceptions, but we do not think much to challenge them. if your family, friends, and all the media all told you the world is flat…would you really challenge their beliefs or just accept it as one of your own? As impractical as it seems, this is what we do most of the time.

During my childhood, I was raised in a home where communication was limited. I was taught through the actions of others that if you had a problem you had to learn how to cope with it on your own. They taught me it wasn’t fair to push my problems upon others who had problems of their own. And professional therapy was definitely out of the question, because it was seen as a weakness, and it would bring a sense of shame to the person as well as the rest of the family to seek professional help. I never challenged the idea because the media around me portrayed the very same scene. In this society as well as many others there is a stigma attached to psychiatry. Many people that need help are not seeking it, because they know how society will react. For example, according to the artofloving.com website there are two popular misconceptions that society has about therapy. Misconception 1: Only people with sever psychiatric problems see a therapist. Misconception 2: If i decide to go to a therapist, I am admitting that i am “weak.”

I went on through life believing that psychiatry was actually not good for you, instead it was just a way to make you feel weak and submit your power to someone else. I was always seen as the stronger sibling in the family for whatever reason. They saw me as independent and mature because I handled my life without any help from anyone. What they didn’t know was that by portraying in me this way, they built a wall around me that didn’t allow me to seek help when I was going through hard times. Every heartache, every letdown, every fear, every failure was bottled up inside and it had no where to go. I felt like I had no one to turn to,and I had to learn how to be strong and move through it no matter what. At 13 years old, I began experiencing depression, and I began cutting myself as a coping mechanism. At that age I didn’t know why doing what I did made me feel better, but I knew it worked and at that point that was all that mattered. It was my own form of therapy and no one ever had to know what was going on. For years I hid my secret, scars on my arms and legs were now the norm and i was a master at hiding them or making up stories about them. In my eyes I was in control, and to my family I seemed happy, healthy, and most importantly strong…and i felt they could be proud of me.

But the facade couldn’t last forever. Soon my life was going to be turned inside out and I would be the one to tear down the picture of the happy family. My life became a scandal full of shame. My school found out about the cutting and I was forced into a hospital for an emergency psychiatric evaluation. I needed help, but all i could hear were the questions of “how could you do this to us”, “what will people think when they find out”. Eventually I was released and I had to agree to have a psychiatrist or I would not be allowed back into school.

In my first session, I was uncomfortable, but i realized that therapy really was not that unhealthy after all. I finally had someone to talk to about my problems and they could help me get through them. After nearly five years of struggling in silence I was seeing a breakthrough. Who could imagine that the one place I feared the most would be the place that could help me. Back at school I met with the guidance counselor who gave me a mentor to confide in. My school completely changed my view toward therapy and psychiatry.

For me there is no longer a stigma attached to seeking help. Although conventional psychiatry did not pan out for me, having my mentor, my pastor and my youth pastor talk to me and counsel me helped me get through some tough times in my life. Had I never been forced to seek help, I would have never sought it on my own, and I probably wouldn’t be here today.

I have learned to challenge the ideas and principles that others have tried to instill in me. I no longer fall into the misconceptions of society. In turn, as i grow older I am learning to form my own beliefs and ideas rather than taking in someone else’s. As a result of the experience, I have had to conduct an autopsy of my life, and truly consider if the beliefs that i hold are ones that I myself believe in, or ones that i haphazardly allowed to creep into my life.

OOTD Community Walks

Posted by Hope Rising on September 6, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

It’s National Suicide Prevention Awareness Week! Register for an Out of the Darkness Community Walk near you www.outofthedarkness.org On June 4th-5th I had the amazing experience of walking 18 miles through New York City to raise money and awareness for suicide prevention,a cause very close to my heart. I was touched and inspired by all the lives and stories I encountered along the route and even before the event. I wanted to do something more than just be involved once a year, and I also wanted my family and friends who supported me in my fundraising to experience what i had experienced. I decided to sign up and walk again in October for the Out of the Darkness Community Walks for the NYC Chapter of AFSP. My personal goal for this walk is $500.

 

I believe support is essential, not only for those who are going through a suicide crisis, but also for the families who have lost someone to suicide. I have seen how encouraging and important these groups can be in the lives of someone who is grieving a loss. Sometimes all we need to hear is that we are not alone, and there are others who have walked where we are walking and who have made it to the other side. We just need to know that we others by our side however long it takes us to reach our destinations. I want to be a part of something that offers hope to hurting, both before and after a suicide. No one should have their journey alone. So please help me in raising funds to provide support groups to families who are hurting. Help me to bring that source of hope and love to them through the arms of others as they walk through their hard times. As we help to them to heal we have more people who understand the pain who are devoted to the cause of suicide prevention. And my prayer is that one day, no other family will have to face the pain of losing a loved one to suicide. Please support my fundraising efforts here: Jacqueline Hernandez Fundraising Page If you are in the NYC area and looking to sign up for this event: New York City Walk October 23rd And if you are interested in Joining our Team: Team TWLOHA

Rising From the Ashes

Posted by Hope Rising on August 26, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

We are all walking a different journey and we are all at different points in our journey but the end we are all hoping for is this: Life, Love, Happiness and Healing. For some of us, those things are too far off to even think of, for others they are just within arms reach. In my own journey I believe I have received my healing, I see the love and life that is being poured into me and around me, but sometimes if I let my focus stray, happiness can just pass me by.

I am beginning to learn that although I am not walking this journey alone, everyone I encounter is not necessarily my supporter. I am surrounded by so many people who lift me up remind me of my beauty inside and out, who remind me of the callings that have been placed on my life and and remind me that God is greater than my struggle. But there are also those who seem to only want to tear me down, whether intentionally or not.

There are those who try to silence my story, there are those who cut me down with comments about my weight,there are others who will forever see me as a failure, and those who are ashamed by my struggle. Though I declare that my darkest days are behind me, they still see me as that broken teenager.

If I didn’t have my faith, hope in a better future and the amazing support system I have found in my church family, my friends and even strangers…I just might believe what others were saying about me. But I know better. I know that I can’t make everyone see how far I have come, because so many of them still do not know the full story.

Thankfully I know that my story does not rely on them. God will continue to work in my life whether they see it or believe it or not. And I believe the best days are still to come. I know there is so much work left to do, so many places He still wants to take me and so many people I have yet to encounter. So I will push on through the negativity, I will continue to trust in God and I will continue to move forward.There are so many around me who have walked with me from the beginning of this journey. Many who have seen me in the valley and are ready to see me on top of the mountain. I believe I have been put through the fire and it is time for me to rise from the ashes.This video and song from Demi Lovato just shoots to my core and I can relate to it in so many ways because we are walking a similar journey.

Creationfest 2011

Posted by Hope Rising on July 4, 2011
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

I love going to Creationfest. It has only been my second year, but when I am there I feel like I am in a whole different world. I mean what’s not to love… Festival Food, Shopping, Great Music, volunteering with an amazing Organization like Compassion International…the list goes on and on. But for me I think the deciding factor is the fact that I can stand on a hillside as the sun is setting, arms lifted high and sing praises to God with 70,000 other people. It is an incredible feeling. If that isn’t corporate worship…I don’t know what is. It really drills home the point that we are not alone. No matter where we are in walk with God, if we are torn down and searching for His grace and love, or we are on the top of the mountain having conquered the valley, we are not alone. There are 70,000 other people who have felt at one time or another how you feel at that moment, 70,000 who are willing to reach out their arms and pray for you or give you a hug if that is what you need. For me, going to Creation is a reminder of how the Body of Christ is supposed to work, united. We shouldn’t have to wait for the summer to come to gather with thousands of other believers to see unity come forth. We should be displaying it in our home churches, our communities and our homes.

I am grateful for my experience at Creation this year because it was completely different for me than last year. This year I was there rejoicing about what God has done and is continuing to do in my life, last year I was broken and searching for hope. This year God brought me out of my comfort zone, I was able to speak to more people and share my heart with them. I was able to share my experience as a child sponsor for Compassion and allowed people to see you can make in a child’s life through the program. I also got to stop and talk to people about To Write Love on Her Arms, some who were wearing the shirts didn’t even know what they were supporting, but after I explained it to them they wanted to go home and learn more. But more than anything I am thankful because God brought me out of my comfort zone and urged me to lift up the broken and hurting in prayer.

During one worship service, I was urged to pray for an older woman and as I lay my hands on her I could feel the Lord working in her life. I felt as if a fire came forth, and she broke down in tears. I believe that she had her breakthrough that night and I give God the Glory, because when we come before the altar of the Lord he will restore us as long as we let him.

But I know I was not the only one who the Lord had placed such a burden on. From the stages, almost every speaker or worship leader or musician had a message for the crowd. “You are not alone. You matter. God knows your hurts and wants to heal you.” We have to acknowledge that we are living in a broken world, and that brokenness is creeping into our churches. It is affecting our youth, it is affecting our ministries, it is affecting our marriages, and it is affecting our leaders and our families. But there is hope; the brokenness does not have to consume us, because we have a Healer & Restorer & Hope in Jesus.

I know that many people were ministered to on that hillside over the four day period. Thousands decided to take a stand and give their lives to the Lord. Over 300 decided to solidify that commitment by getting baptized. I pray for all who attended that the Lord continue to work in their lives, continue to move in their hearts, and continue pouring over them with His Love, Mercy & Grace.

It was a sobering feeling to drive past the place where we had our accident last year. But instead of fear, the Lord has given me a peace. I know that he saved me for a reason; I know my work is not yet done. And I know that there is so much of my story left to write and I am ready to experience it all, because I know I have the Lord on my side. I will continue to pray for those that need healing: emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I will continue to fight for those who have lost hope, because I believe they can find true Hope in Jesus. And I will continue to believe in the greater things to come in my life.