Hope Rising Project

A new Horizon

Posted by Hope Rising on July 14, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: celebrations. Leave a comment

Those of you who know my journey know that this year has been a year of many great milestones and achievements. So far in the past 7 months I have: celebrated a milestone birthday (25), I have achieved one year free from self injury, I have turned my life around and chosen a life where I live clean and sober, I have completed my training with IMALIVE and become a certified volunteer, and now I have one more great milestone to add to the list!

I am OFFICIALLY a registered GRADUATE student at LIBERTY UNIVERSITY where i will be pursuing my Masters in Professional Counseling.

I am literally in awe at the turns my life has taken. I really don’t have the words to say what it is I am feeling in my heart, because I am frankly feeling so much.

When I entered college for the first time, my plan was very different. I had no dreams, no visions of the future. I knew I wanted to do something great…i just couldn’t put my finger on it. But, I was more concerned with trying to get through the day, than planning for a future. I was struggling with a depression that would grow so severe that i contemplated suicide my second year in college. Even in the midst of that depression, and a severe addiction to self injury…someone believed in my story, and my ability to overcome my circumstances. I remember hearing the story of To Write Love on Her Arms, and seeing the posters for the Overnight walks. and thinking deep deep down inside…that if i ever got better, maybe I could one day do something to help someone else. But even though I thought about it….i never really believed it. I silently believed that I would always be that broken shell of a person….

Until one day, I wrote a paper, and I told my story. You never know how much a few words can change a persons life. I had ONE professor who believed in me, even in the midst of my struggle, and told me I had the ability to be a great counselor one day. That statement made me re think my career path, embrace the calling that had been placed on my life, and gave me the courage to believe in myself. It was like the floodgates opened opened up, and I felt the passion to help people just flood through. I stopped thinking of myself as a broken person who wouldn’t amount to anything, and I believed for the first time that it was part of a bigger plan.

I sit here reading essays and papers from college and all my counseling classes, and though I have changed a lot over the last 7 years….one thing hasn’t. My heart still breaks for the broken, and I want to be that person whose story can bring light into a dark place. I continue to have hard times, but I know now that its all part of the process and part of my testimony.

I just want to tell you all out there… encourage one another, believe in one another, and support one another. You have no idea how your words can impact another’s life in such a positive way. By encouraging one another, we allow ourselves to become the catalyst in someones life. Sometimes a person just needs to know that they are loved unconditionally not only by God but by the friends and family He has surround them with. Sometimes a person needs to be reminded that they are special and beautiful in God’s sight. Sometimes a person just needs to know that someone believes in them…before they can begin to believe in themselves.

I have been blessed by so many people who have allowed themselves to be used by God, and they have become such important parts of my story.

My life is changing in so many ways, and though the way I got here, I would have never chosen, but I embrace where it is taking me . Before me is a world of possibilities. And I am free to explore the horizons.

Writing through the Pain

Posted by Hope Rising on June 24, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Writing has always been an outlet for me, a place where words unspoken can come to life on a page, and set my soul free. In my writing, I release the hurts I can’t share with anyone else. I share the memories that have been guarded in the vault of my heart. I share the desires that are crying out from deep within. Sometimes I fear the things I write are so fragile, that if i speak them, they will no longer exist. But the truth of the matter is that God promises me something different. He promises that if I would come humbly before His throne, if I would lay my heart before Him…he would grant me the desires of my heart according to His Will. I know His word, I know the plans He has for me, and I know He will listen to my heart-cry.

So what do I yearn for when I lay my head down each night?What do the silent tears that stream down my face scream out for? Happiness, peace, love, respect. It does not seem like much. But life would have me believe that these things aren’t meant for me. But my God tells me differently. Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prospers you, not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.

My future is in God’s hands. I believe that not only Happiness, but Joy will overflow in my life and give me the strength to face the difficulties ahead. I believe that all things happen for a reason and I also believe that: All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.(Romans 8:28) I take my trials as a chance to learn lessons, not to look back in vain. It has taken me being broken down by people’s words and actions to finally realize that I deserve better than what I have been given.

And so I write through the pain. I write to remind myself that the story isn’t over yet. I write to remember that one failure doesn’t determine the end result. I write to continue to remind myself that God is still working in my situation.

For 3 years, I walked a road reeling from the emotional, spiritual, and physical consequences of someone else’s actions. I could have let it destroy me completely…and at times.. it almost did. But I am still here today. Still recovering…and still moving forward because I have embraced God’s love in my life. So I will continue write, I will continue to have HOPE, and I will continue to be brave with my story, so that others can be brave with theirs.

My life didn’t end with infidelity and divorce. It was just a stepping stone that God is using to take me into the story that He is writing for me. My Hope lies in Him. I trust in Him. and i give my heart to Him…so that it will never be broken again.

My survivor story.

Posted by Hope Rising on June 10, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: mental illness, self harm. Leave a comment

This is My Story…..

It all began when I was nothing but a child, when my world should have been bright and happy, yet it was clouded with pain, rejection, heartache and depression. What do you do when your mind is determined to make you believe that you are worthless, that no one cares, that everything would just be better off if you were gone? What do you do when every night, you cry yourself to sleep and you don’t even know why? I was thirteen years old, with my whole life ahead of me, and I all I wanted was to make it end. To make all the hurt and anger just go away, and let me live. But it gripped at me in such a way that I couldn’t just walk away from it. My world was spinning around me, with other children living happy normal lives and I hated them for it. Since the age of 13, the battle with depression and suicidal thoughts has been all too real for me. I spent countless nights on the bathroom floor cutting my wrists, legs and arms, hoping that the cut would be the last one, would be the one to end my misery.

For so many years, the razor was my best friend. It was the only thing that I could turn to when I was hurting. Unlike everything else in my life at the time, it wouldn’t turn its back on me, it wouldn’t judge me, and it wouldn’t reject me and make me feel unloved. It was the only thing that I could truly rely on. As I took the razor to my skin, the pain was always only temporary. A few cuts, and I would be ok. It was a release to what I was fighting inside. It would leave me broken, crying, bleeding on the bathroom floor, but somehow, to me, it made everything ok. Every problem, every situation, every bad day would mean more cuts on my body, it was my coping mechanism. But I should have known, that the one thing that I trusted, would eventually turn on me too. Suddenly I found myself in high school, struggling to get through a day when I didn’t have to turn to the razor for comfort. It was much more than a comfort now… it was an addiction. I had no one to turn to because I pushed everyone away. My mind had convinced me that my family didn’t care about me. I felt ugly inside and out, and my world was crashing down around me. I decided not to be a pawn anymore; I took matters into my own hands.

I stood at the bathroom sink as I had so many times before.

When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize the girl standing before me. She was torn apart by the world around her, a shadow of who she once was. Darkness loomed in her eyes, her cheeks were tear stained, her body gaunt from starvation. I couldn’t believe who I had let myself become. I cut my wrists and just lay on the bathroom floor waiting for it to be over. But my life didn’t end there, and neither did the cutting. My school found out, and I was forced into a hospital, locked in a room, shut out from the outside world. No one could understand how I could be driven to such things; they never knew how unhappy I was because I never let them in. In the months to come, the guilt of tearing apart my family, and the scandal that my life now was to all those around me, just pushed me back to one thing that started it all. I was like an addict who could stay sober, but not for long.

On the outside I appeared strong and healthy and happy, but inside I was still dying, still struggling. I wanted to be strong, I wanted to believe that I could put it all behind me. It was as much an act for the outside world to believe as it was for me to believe. The smile on my face wasn’t real, but the tears that stained my pillow every night were.

Six years later, nineteen years old with the whole world ahead of her and she was still standing in front of that mirror with the razor in her hand wishing she had the strength to stop. Tragedy was nothing new to her, but this time it hit too close to home, and she couldn’t handle it. Day after day, night after night, the thoughts consumed her. Kneeling, sobbing, once again she held the razor to her skin. One, two, three…: “just a few more and the heartache will go away.” Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen…”make it go away, let me wake up from this nightmare.” When all was said and done, I looked at my arm… twenty seven cuts later, and I still didn’t feel any different. I had officially hit rock bottom. Just like an addict, the drug that had once drawn me out from my pain no longer worked. My addiction was too strong.

At 19 years old, I had my life all my life in front of me, and yet I didn’t see the point in living. I was living with serious untreated depression, and I was battling a multitude of addictions. Every day was a struggle. A struggle to seem strong on the outside while falling apart on the inside. It was a struggle to keep what I was feeling in, because I didn’t want to let down those around me. It was a struggle to ask for help, because I was always told that I had to be strong, and I had to fight through it all, and I just had to brush it off….and I couldn’t. So I made the decision to give up. I made it through that night…and no one ever knew the truth. It was a secret I carried deep within me for a very long time..

But secrets… don’t stay buried for very long. Without ever really opening up about my past, I never gave myself the chance to get real help. And so…years later at 23 years of age when tragedy struck my heart again..all the pain and the doubt and the heartache came rushing back. I was thrown into one of the most serious depressions of my life. But I had to pretend to be strong. I had to put on a brave face and pretend that I was ok…even when my world was crashing down around me. For the second time in my life…depression consumed me. I had no hope for the future. Everything I had ever hoped for in my life..was slowly being ripped away from me. I was watching all my hopes and dreams turn to dust right before my eyes. I was consumed by an addiction to alcohol, pills and self injury. The only way I could cope with my illness..was to numb everything that I was feeling. I let the thought of ending my life consume me.

But the truth of the matter is that something inside me was stronger and it was fighting for me to break free. I shouldn’t be here, able to write this, I should be yet another statistic. But I’m not. And you might wonder, why on earth am I writing this here, for the world to see? But, the fact of the matter is that if you thought this was about me, you thought wrong. Because I believe that if someone can benefit from what I went through, can find hope through my struggle, then what does it matter who knows about my past? If I can’t use my experience to help others, then they were all in vain, and that is the last thing I ever want. I know that I am not alone, not in the fight that I fought or in my will to overcome. I am not about to let this second chance at life just pass me by without fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. Every night I cry for those who are going through what I went through and even worse.

By finally being honest about my past and my struggles, I have given myself a REAL chance at life. I have received help for the depression that I struggled with, and it is no longer a part of my life. I stepped away from pills and alcohol, and instead I have embraced the support of my church family and friends to get me through these difficult days of my life. I have conquered my addiction to self injury and I am celebrating a year of recovery, with my church standing behind me every step of the way.

I know that my story IS for a reason. I know that I am stronger because of I what I went through. I know that my heart can relate to other hurting hearts, and I yearn to reach out to someone in their time of need. And I am on my way to helping others.

I am a Suicide Intervention Specialist for IMALIVE. There is no greater feeling than knowing that I can help someone through their time of need. To help them find the HOPE when it seems there is none. To be a listening ear, when everything seems to be falling apart.

I know what its like to live with mental illness. And I know that struggling through life does not make you weak. Trials will come,storms will try to shake us….but never give up HOPE. The biggest step you can take for yourself is to let someone into the dark places of your life..to share the burden of your pain with someone you can trust who can help you, whether it is a doctor, a pastor, a family member or a teacher.

PAIN SHARED IS PAIN LESSENED; JOY SHARED IS JOY INCREASED

-Spider Robinson

Guest Post -Laura Mayer

Posted by Hope Rising on May 30, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: afsp, overnightwalk, suicide, suicide prevention. Leave a comment

Today I am honored to share the story of fellow Overnight walker Laura Mayer. I am touched by her strength, hope and courage. I thank her for sharing this and I hope that it will touch many lives.

Every 16 minutes a person dies from suicide. They are fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, neighbors or someone you met a party once. For me, suicide first touched my life when I was in my early teens. I struggled with self-injury and depression due to trauma as a child and it was something I knew was an option but I didn’t quite understand the gravity of what it meant. I learned very quickly though in 1998 when my father made his first attempt to end his life on December 13^th and then completed suicide on December 21^st. My entire world completely changed at the age of 15 when death by one’s own hand was a reality.

Suicide is just a moment. It’s a moment after a long time of immense pain; some might even say emotional and mental agony. It’s sometimes impulsive and sometimes well thought out but in the moment it’s almost the same for every person; they want relief from their pain and they want to control that end. Some might say that it is a cowardly way out of life but I know for me and I know for my Dad it was a well thought out choice with the most logical end in an illogical war within the mind. My Dad lost his battle with depression not because he didn’t try, but because the stigma, shame and improper training of professional let him down. He experienced extreme isolation with his depression and there were limited resources in our community for him to have the support he needed. I know that can change.

In 2004 I was again devastated by suicide when my best friend who was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital ended her life. She was a beautiful and talented young woman with nothing but a bright future ahead of her. She had recognition around the world for her furniture design and she was in a very competitive and incredibly difficult masters program at the time. She would have been a pretty big deal once she graduated. She had the resources at her fingertips but again, a myriad of circumstances led to the ultimate let down and she felt the world was better without her. She grew up in a family and community that had very little understanding or patience for mental illness and because of that her family hindered her in her treatment instead of supporting her. Extended family as well as her parents put a lot of pressure on her to fix whatever was wrong because she was embarrassing them. She was 27 years old when she died.

These personal tragedies and my own struggle with depression led me to overcome them and become a part of a community that not only accepted mental illness but felt empowered to do something about it. This past winter I became a Crisis Counselor for a LifeLine crisis center and have found the work to be immensely rewarding…but I know that it cannot stop there. During a hotline shift I came across The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and I remembered how a few years after my father died that they had a walk to raise money. I saw that this year it was being held in NYC and I knew I wanted to do it. I called my brother and he said he would join and then my best friend said she would too. I have never been more energized, empowered and excited to participate in an event. One night WILL make a difference and I am so blessed to be a part of it!

-Laura Mayer

Finding Healing

Posted by Hope Rising on May 1, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: faith, hope, mental health, mental illness, recovery. Leave a comment

Psalm 147:3

He Heals the BrokenHearted and Binds up their Wounds.

This is one of my favorite verses from the Bible. As someone who has struggled with self injury I really found hope in these words. However, as I continue to walk this journey of recovery, I find hope and truth in this verse for so many areas of my life.

Wounds can be superficial or deeply rooted. Wounds can be physical, emotional, or mental. Sometimes we are hurt by words and actions of others that may or may not be intentional. As humans we experience alot in our lives, and many of those experiences are filled with heartache and pain. But there is Hope, we don’t have to hold on to the hurt forever. We have a healer who can free us from the burden of heartbreak and pain.

No matter what you are going through… no matter what has broken your heart and wounded you…God wants to heal those wounds.

Over the last year God has been working in my life in so many ways. Healing wounds that were both physical and emotional. Some things have left me with scars…but I believe in the beauty of scars. Physically the Lord healed all my wounds of self injury so I could walk forward in recovery. But there were many other areas that I had not yet experienced His healing.

As time went on I began to remember words that had been spoken to me and about me, words that at one time or another had almost destroyed me, but I locked them away..never to be spoken. But in holding those words silently in my heart I was allowing sorrow, bitterness, anger, and depression to take hold in my life. God allowed me to let go of those words and forgive those who had hurt me and broken me. There were many areas of my past that I hadn’t yet confronted. But the longer I pretended they didn’t exist the longer I gave them power over me. It hasn’t been an easy or a painless process but I know it is necessary.

Every wound I have ever endured can be healed in His hands, and the scars that are left behind are just reminders of where He has taken me out from and where I am going.
So no matter what your life looks like right now, no matter what kind of wounds you have in your life…I encourage you to give it all to God. He can heal your heart, bind your wounds, and make you whole.

IMALIVE

Posted by Hope Rising on April 27, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: imalive, suicide prevention. Leave a comment

When I first started supporting TWLOHA I did it for myself. I needed something to believe in, something to cling to, something to give me HOPE. I needed to find others who were struggling just like I was so that I would know I was not alone. At the beginning of my journey I felt so alone…like no one could possibly understand the thoughts that were racing through my ead and everything I was feeling..all day every day was a struggle. And I couldn’t even wrap my head around that so how could anyone else??

And I found what I was looking for in TWLOHA… I found community. And it was through this community that I first found out about IMALIVE. I wanted to make a difference and offer HOPE to someone else in their time of need just like so many others have done for me.

So for me its about giving back. Its about taking the support and love others have poured out onto me and pouring it out on the strangers I meet everyday. Its about making a difference in the world. Its not about me anymore. Its about the people we are here to support.

When all your dreams come true

Posted by Hope Rising on April 17, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Who do you want standing next to you..when all of your dreams come true?? #OneTreeHill

Have you ever wished and hoped and dreamed about something…sometimes feeling as if it is just to far out of reach? For the longest time..all I have ever wanted is to help others. All i could dream about was being in a position to offer someone hope… to see someone who is struggling the way that i was struggling and being able to tell them.. that it does get better. In the past two years I have been through an incredible journey. I have seen the depths of the valley and yet I have still managed to make it to the top of my mountain and its all because of God.

In 2011 I got 6 people to stand behind me and support me in my dream of helping others. They sponsored my training and a began a long journey. Along the way I hit many bumps in the road, and some days I felt like giving up. I felt like my dream was nothing more than a mirage in the desert. But even though i got torn down many times, I kept getting back up and trusting in God and believing that one day it would happen.

One year later….my dream is finally coming true. Today I became a certified volunteer on a crisis line that is very near and dear to my heart. Today i can officially say I am on the path to everything God has planned for me. Today my heart wells up with gratitude and hope and the belief that I was made for this.

I wanna help the light shine through the darkness of someone’s depression. I want to be able to let someone know they are not alone in their pain. And I want to be a group of people that is spreading hope one life at a time. And today….I can do all that.

I know that this is just the beginning…and I cant imagine what doors are ahead for me.

I have said it time and time again…but even begin to describe how grateful and how blessed I am to have found the family I have found in Praise Tabernacle Church. This group of people has believed in my dream from day one..sometimes even reminding me of what i had forgotten. Sometimes they believed FOR me when i couldn’t see past the dark days. But they always believed something great was coming. For their love, their support, and their faith I am thankful.

There are others that have watched my dream grow and blossom from day one…and i know that i can’t share my gratitude with them…. but they are a part of my story and always will be. And when i look back at how far I have come…I will always remember the role they played in all of it.

So thank you to all of you who have stood by my side. Thank you to all who rejoice in my victories. Thank you all for loving me in the very special way you all love me.

Comfort Zones

Posted by Hope Rising on April 13, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: comfort zone, mental health, recovery. Leave a comment

Last year, I took a leap of faith and a step out of my comfort zone. At the beginning of the year, I resolved to participate in the Out of the Darkness Overnight and raise over a thousand dollars for suicide prevention. It was something that had been on my heart for so long, but I had no idea how it would change my life.

As i started to prepare for the 18 mile journey, I began to be challenged. Not only by the physical activity…but I challenged my self to take a stand, be more vocal and REALLY be a part of this event. By taking that stand, I had to do something I had been afraid to do for some time. I had to confront my past and my present, and I had to be willing to talk about it.

My struggle with suicide and depression had been a source of shame in my life for quite some time. At 23 years of age, it was something that had plagued me for over a decade. I was ashamed that, 10 years later I was still struggling. I was ashamed that the scars on my arms were not a reminder of my past but an image of my present reality. I was ashamed that i still allowed situations to grip me and throw me into such a deep depression that suicide seemed like the only logical answer. I was ashamed that after all this time, my family still didn’t not know about my struggle or attempt to try to understand it.

The home and culture I grew up in made me feel like a failure for being who I was. They made me feel weak and made me believe there must be something defective about me. I was made to believe that my struggle was shameful and I should hide it from the outside world at all costs. And for a long time I believed that… Until last year.
My struggles with self injury, depression, eating disorders, self esteem issues, alcohol abuse and thoughts of suicide had been fought silently for many years…and frankly…it hadn’t done much good.
Last year, I let down my guard and reached out for help, and I let someone else carry the burden of my pain with me. Within a few months my life had changed dramatically. By spring of 2011, I had begun sharing my story publically and it played a big role in my healing process.

In May 2011 I shared my story in the New York Daily News. I was excited for the oppourtunity, but i was also nervous about how it would be recieved especially by my family. I learned that not everyone would support my decision to be so vocal about my struggles. But i also found support in the ones who understood how important breaking the silence and stigma of mental illness and suicide is.

That support, my faith in God, and the belief that everything happens for a reason is why I am still standing.
It hasn’t been easy, this past year has been filled with many triumphs, but many defeats and earth shattering realities. But I am still here, and still fighting and still going strong. Next month I will celebrate a milestone birthday….but I also rejoice in another milestone. One FULL year free from self injury, and suicide attempts. I lay my life my story and my trust in God and He has not let me go.

It all began by taking one step out of my comfort zone. Now I won’t let ANYTHING hold me back from shining a light into the darkness. Wherever this journey leads me I will go, whoever I encounter along the way I will embrace, and I will continue to share my story because I believe if it can bring hope and help to just one person it was all worth it.
I am breaking the silence, tearing down the walls of stigma, and bringing my story out of the darkness.

#weartwloha

Posted by Hope Rising on March 30, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: #weartwloha, twloha. Leave a comment

Today March 30,2012 marks 6 years since the story of TWLOHA began and the first ever Tee-Shirt was worn my Jon Foreman of Switchfoot. It is amazing to see how far To Write Love on Her Arms has come in 6 short years. I have been there since the beginning. I stumbled upon their page on MYSPACE just when I needed to hear their story.

Six years ago….all I needed to know was that I was NOT alone, and that there were other people who were struggling just as I was. Six years ago, I was just beginning to tell people about my struggle with self injury, depression and suicidal thoughts and it was a daily battle not to give in to my addiction. Through To Write Love on Her Arms I found stories of hope, support and encouragement.

Over the Last six years To Write Love on her Arms, has been a huge part of my story. I have gone from just watching from the sidelines to being involved with this organization in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Over the last two years I represented To Write Love on her arms in two AFSP walks for suicide prevention. The first was the 18 mile Overnight Walk. I was stopped by dozens of people, some who had heard of the organization and some who wanted to learn more. People I didn’t know would come up to me and hug me and tell em how important TWLOHA was to them. It was an amazing feeling to know that the TWLOHA community stretches far and wide. On the second community walk for AFSP in brooklyn i was able to sit down with a group of about a dozen college age kids who were walking to raise awareness about suicide in their college community. I was able to share my story with them as well as telling them about IMALIVE: the world’s first Virtual crisis center, a collaboration between To Write Love on Her Arms and the Kirsten Brooks Hopeline. This is a collaboration I am proud to be a part of.

I wear TWLOHA because I believe in the message of Hope and a community of Healing. I believe in the idea that rescue is possible no matter how far you have fallen. I believe in the message that Help is real. Hope is real. And each and every one of our stories is Important.

So today I wear TWLOHA. Why do you #wearTWLOHA?

Just a thought..

Posted by Hope Rising on March 13, 2012

Posted in: Mental Health, Uncategorized. Tagged: mental health, mental illness, recovery. Leave a comment

You never know how much a few words can change a persons life. I had a professor who believed in me, even in the midst of my struggle, and told me I had the ability to be a great counselor one day. That statement made me re think my career path, embrace the calling that had been placed on my life, and gave me the courage to believe in myself. It was like the floodgates opened opened up, and I felt the passion to help people just flood through. I stopped thinking of myself as a broken person who wouldn’t amount to anything, and I believed for the first time that it was part of a bigger plan.

I am in the process of applying to graduate school…something i didn’t even think of for the last two years. I am nervous, but I feel like its all part of a bigger plan. And for that i am excited. I can’t wait to see where the road takes me from here…but I know it will be Grand because God is in control.