A silent Thanksgiving

Posted by Hope Rising on November 27, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

If I am being honest, I was beating myself up over not writing a  post on Thanksgiving.

I had a rough emotional week, and I really couldn’t pinpoint the trigger, I don’t know if it was just entering the Holiday season which awakens these all too familiar feelings or other situations in my life just starting weighing heavy on my heart to the point where I could no longer control the floodgates.

I spent most of Wednesday and Thursday in bed, unfortunately allowing myself to wallow in those negative feelings. But thank the Lord that there are still people out there that are vigilant, and who reach out when they sense that something just isn’t right. With the help of some very kind and uplifting words and the outpouring of love, I find the strength to get up and fight. To get out of bed, to pray and worship and just get myself out of the “funk”.

Holidays are hard for me. Even when I am surrounded by a multitude of people, I feel so alone. It has been that way for a long time. Knowing this I try to surround myself with positive people in my life during these times. Unfortunately that doesn’t always mean family. I have said it before and I will say it again: I love my family. I just don’t feel they will ever understand many of the things I have struggled with,.not for lack of trying, but it’s just not something they can connect to on a personal level. Knowing that I find myself pulling away from them during the times we are supposed to be the most connected.

I just wish I could come out and talk to them, honestly…raw..like I can here.

When I am having a bad body image day, for them to be able to tell me I am still beautiful and that the food at the table doesn’t control me. When I don’t have the strength to get out of bed, to have someone there who will crawl in and just BE with me in that moment. When I want to run to old comforts that I would have someone there to remind me how far I have come.

Because in the fog of depression, its hard to remember those things. Its hard to feel or imagine anything outside of the current state you are in. Human connection is something so powerful, a kind word or touch like a hug can really make the difference for someone who is struggling.

And I guess not having that in those moments made everything feel so much worse than it was.

But I put on a brave face and hid the tears behind sunglasses and the pain behind the smiles.

I know that I have an amazing support system outside of my bloodlines, but it’s hard for me to reach out especially now. Everyone is celebrating and happy and a part of me doesn’t want to be a burden and ruin the perfect pictures they have going on right now. I know that I will get chastised a thousand times for even thinking that way, but it’s something I have to work on.

Even still. I am grateful for many things.

Even if I was silent..I am still thankful.

The Power of Community

Posted by Hope Rising on May 1, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. 1 Comment

On April 25-26 I joined a thousand other people as we walked through the streets of Dallas,TX. We walked to bring suicide and mental illness out of the darkness, to break the stigmas that so many of us face. To say to those who are hurting that there is a community of HOPE out here that is creating change through research, policy and education.
I traveled to Texas by myself, but I was never alone through the 16 miles of this amazing journey. So many times through the night I was moved to tears by the sheer strength and resilency of those around me. As they shared their stories of loss, my heart ached along with them. Stories of mothers and fathers, brothers and sister, best friends and cousins, and children. Each one of those lives lost a reminder of why this journey is so important. For some the loss was so recent that even sharing the name of their loved one, would cause them to break down. But in that moment we just hugged and wept or held hands and knew that we were all in this together.
I also shared with those whose stories looked like mine.. People like myself who use this journey as a way of healing. To open up about the things we have gone through…and survived. Those of us who face the struggles of depression and mental illness. To be brave with outr stories so that we can be helped, and we can help others as well.

After an 8 hour journey, I felt tired and my body felt weary…but at the same time there was an elecricity in the air. The force of HOPE surrounding me and all those who gathered in City Hall Plaza. As I walked I carried the stories of those I love on my heart, and I was empowered to be brave and embrace my own story as I walked those 16 miles.
I am blown away by love and support that I personally recieved on this journey. And it began long before I even arrived in Texas. Social media allowed me to connect with lives that were thousands of miles away, and to share and find strength in each others stories.Once I got to Dallas, and I was standing in City Hall Plaz..I honestly felt like I was home. Not one person made me feel like a stranger. Not one person looked at me like they just couldn’t understand what I have gone through. Not once did I feel ashamed of my life and my story. All through the night people would hug me and thank me for sharing my story, for walking alongside them and for being vocal about changing the perceptions about these issues.
There are people in  my life now that I am proud that I am able to call “friend” and it all because of the Overnight. People who I feel I have known my entire life. And I know from this point forward all of us are in it together. Pain brought us together, in way or another, whether we have struggled personally, or we walk for someone who does, or we walk to remember  a  life that was lost too soon. Together we will transform that pain into a beacon of hope for others.
TOGETHER WE WILL FIGHT THE STIGMA

TOGETHER WE WILL BREAK THE SILENCE

TOGETHER WE WILL SAVE LIVES
WE WILL CREATE A WORLD WITHOUT SUICIDE.

 

 

THE OVERNIGHT 2015

Posted by Hope Rising on April 26, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , . Leave a comment

TODAY IS THE DAY.

TONIGHT MORE THAN A THOUSAND PEOPLE WILL WALK THE STREETS OF DALLAS TO BRING SUICIDE AND MENTAL ILLNESS OUT OF THE DARKNESS AND INTO THE LIGHT.

 

This is my Third Overnight and each year I am so moved by the people and the event as a whole.
What I love about this event is that it gives me an outlet to talk about the things, “we arent supposed to be talking about”. From my cab driver to people I have met in the hotel, each time I am asked what brings me to Dallas, it is an opportunity to share about this cause that is so close to my heart. And with that opportunity, it gives people an invitation to others to share their stories. So many times this week, I have come across people who have experienced a suicide in their lives in one way or another, and it just shows how important the work of the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention is.
To break down those stigmas so that people who are hurting can feel free to speak to someone, whether it is family, friends or a complete stranger.
To give hope to those who have lost a loved one, that they are not alone and so many people want to help them.
To give support and strength to those who are struggling. To be a judgment free zone of unconditional support and love no matter what they are facing. Because we believe it can get better.
For me each year this is such a healing experience. No matter what the days, weeks, and months leading up to the event have looked like….it all goes away. All of a sudden I feel the electicity in the air, and a lift in my spirit.
and I believe it is the HOPE that all these amazing people carry in their stories. From across the country to across the world I am impacted by so many people.
and my HOPE is to be able to impact others with what I have found here with AFSP.
These 18 miles before me, are not a challenge… it is a journey of recovery and healing that I am excited to take.
I cannot wait for it to begin.
THE OVERNIGHT 2015

in the moment

Posted by Hope Rising on April 25, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

I have struggled with depression since I was 13 years old, and it has affected my life in many ways. One of the biggest things it takes away from me, is the ability to live in the moment. To allow myself to be immersed in the beauty around and fully drink in the moments. For me, it means not being able to make memories. You don’t realize how much of impact that can have on your life, until you experience it.
Thank goodness for technology and the ability to capture moments and savor them later. Without photographs or videos I may have missed out on some of the most important events in my life.
Last summer I had the once in the lifetime opportunity to travel out of the country and visit two of my bucket list places: London and Paris. But I was not “in the moment” while I was there. Even though I wasn’t experiencing the flown blown symptoms of depression  that I had in the past, it took a toll on my trip. I couldn’t connect my mind and my body to understand that I was in these magnificent places. I was agitated when I should have been elated. I just wanted to sleep when I should have been wanting to get up at the crack of dawn to take it all in. I didn’t want to take pictures because I was being overly critical of my body. On the outside I was smiling and happy and on the inside I felt nothing.
As the months went on the depression got deeper and I started reverting back to old behaviors to cope. Eventually it lead to a break down, and I had to take a step back and take it all in. I went back into therapy and received the help I needed. It has only been a few months, but I can feel the difference.

A few days ago I traveled to Texas, alone.

I was expecting to feel lonely and isolated, and holed up in my room with my laptop writing.
The opposite has happened and I am blown away, by how much of a difference it has made. I had to CHOOSE to let down my walls, get out of my comfort zone and get out of my own head.

 

And that was the best choice I have made. I have met some great people, people who don’t even know me, but take me in like I am part of their group. People who are not afraid to share their stories with me and allow me to share a piece of my story with them.
Even in the times when I am alone and exploring the city, the kind smiles from strangers and just allowing my self to be in the moment…every moment.
I may not have many photos, or videos or blogs from this trip. BUT I have memories. And for me that’s an important thing.
I feel like I am finally taking my life back.

I feel like I am connecting…with people.

And with this experience.
I will continue to live each day in the moment.

This is my fight song..

Posted by Hope Rising on April 20, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UqfrH74wc0

 

This weekend I will be traveling 1500 miles to participate in my 3rd Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention. Every year is an emotional journey for so many reasons, but this year in a way its even more emotional for me. This year I have been selected to stand on stage and represent those of us who wear the “green beads”…those who struggle with depression, addiction and other mental disorders. For me this is such an important gesture, because I wholeheartedly believe that mental illness or the things we struggle do not have the power to keep us from our dreams. I am suicide attempt survivor. Someone who battled depression for more than a decade. Someone who struggled with addictions that destroyed my life ,my relationships, my body, and the how I viewed my self.
But I am here, years later getting the training that will allow me to be able to help others in the future. Some days are still hard, but I have the tools and support system that allow me to handle those feelings. I am not defined by a mental illness, or an addiction. Many have done it before me, and I will help other to do the same in their own lives.
I will fight everyday. Because I am stronger than the things that want to destroy me.

 

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
(Starting right now) I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song

 

I encourage everyone out there to keep fighting. I believe in you.

Thank You to my Supporters!!

Posted by Hope Rising on April 12, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

I REACHED MY GOAL!!!

This is my 3rd Ovenight Walk for Suicide Prevention .

Each time I participate I am blown away by the support from friends old and new, from near and far and the kindness of strangers. Whether only in words or in the amazing donations I have recieved,my heart is so thankful.
Every donation and word of support is a reminder that I am not walking this road alone…not just the Overnight but the road of life. I am reminded that no matter what my story looks like, the good the bad, there are still people who believe in the me, and my ability to make a difference.
I am thankful for all of the people who have never given up on, even when I have felt that I wanted to give up on myself. I am thnakful for all the people who have shown me nothing but love when I was walking through the darker times of life.
I full heartedly support all the efforts of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and by supporting me in this journey you are helping to change the world.
Look at what AFSP can do with the money you raise.

EVERY $10 – Distributes one Depression and Bipolar Awareness educational program (DVD).
EVERY $50 – Provides AFSP educational materials to 25 people. If just one person seeks help after reading these materials, a life could be saved for less than the cost of dinner and a movie.
EVERY $100 – Covers the cost of More Than Sad: Suicide Prevention and Education for Teachers and Other School Personnel (DVD and supporting program).
EVERY $250 – Enables AFSP to recruit and train a volunteer field advocate who can then educate Federal, State and local elected officials about suicide prevention.
EVERY $500 – Trains a new Survivor of Suicide support group facilitator. Each new group assists newly bereaved survivors and helps them see that they are not alone.
EVERY $1,000 – Combined with $1,000 from 7 other walkers, develops an educational product for individuals and families to use as a resource for people who have been suicidal or had a recent suicide attempt
EVERY $2,500 – Funds a year of research into the genetic, biological or behavioral factors that contribute to suicide when added to $2,500 from 17 other walkers. The number of lives potentially saved by this research is incalculable.
EVERY $5,000 – Places AFSP’s groundbreaking Interactive Screening Program (ISP) at a college or university. By proactively engaging those in need, the ISP supports student mental health and helps create a culture that recognizes that stress and depression are common and treatable problems in today’s world. Every dollar you raise will help you save a life.
So once again I want to say thank you to all who have donated and reached out to me in one way or another. Thank you for all your support in my life….it really has made a world of difference. And as you can see…it will make a difference in the lives of so many others.
Together we can create a world without suicide.

The Overnight:Teal Beads

Posted by Hope Rising on March 7, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. 2 Comments

Every Year at the Overnight we adorn Honor Beads to signify our connection to the cause.

Every Year I wear Blue and Green.
This year I will wear Teal as well.

Teal has been added to the Honor Bead Colors to represent those who have friends and family with lived experience. The ones we love who once (or more) reached a place of utter hopelessness where a suicide attempt was made…and they survived.

There are people in my life whom I love dearly who have survived a suicide attempt. And this year I walk for them.  I may not wear their names on my shirt, but I carry their stories in my heart.

These are not my stories to tell, but I will support them as they walk their journeys.
These 18 miles are proof of my dedication to the cause, my dedication to breaking down stigma so that issues such as depression, bipolar disorder, self harm, substance abuse and suicide can be spoken about without shame.  The deep secrets that are kept in the darkness…they lose power when they are brought to the light. They become a place from which you can get help, and maybe even help others. It is nothing to be ashamed about.

I wear Teal Beads to say:

You are loved and you matter. And nothing you have done in your past, today or tomorrow will ever change that for me. You are here for a reason, and I believe that there are great and glorious things in your future. I do not believe that a disease defines you; I believe that you are stronger than the things that you are facing.  I believe in the power of HOPE and even when you feel like giving up, I have never once given up on you because I believe that we can beat this.  I never want you to feel like your world is too heavy to hold, because I will always be right there beside you to carry the load with you.

 

 

I will carry your story in my heart until you are ready to tell it.

I walk for You.

I walk for me.

I walk for everyone who has ever been there.

Because we made it out alive. And that is something to be cherished.

My Journey for the Overnight

Posted by Hope Rising on April 4, 2014
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Hello Everyone,
It has been a while since I have shared on here, and normally only do so when it is something truly important to me. As many of you may remember, in 2011 I participated in a fundraiser for Suicide Prevention called the Out of the Darkness Overnight. I raised over $1000.00 for this cause.
This year I will be walking in Philadelphia for another 18 miles from sundown to sunrise to bring Suicide and Mental Illness out of the Darkness and into the Light where we can fight the stigma.
So why is it so important for me to particpate in this walk?
Because I have survived a suicide attempt, and struggle with depression and self injury.

Because it affects someone in my life whom I love very much.

Because I have watched as friends and family have lost special people in their lives…Six lives lost since this year began.

Because I know what it feels like to be afraid to ask for help, until it is too late.
In my community, in my workplace and even my home I know what it feels like to have to cover up the ugly parts and put on a brave face because others just do not understand mental illness and they will judge. I have experienced the pain of feeling outcasted because of the things that I struggled with, and those feelings were what lead me to contemplate suicide in the first place.
I walk for every life that has been lost. Because I believe we can learn from their stories and make sure it does not happen to another family.

I walk for the families who grieve, because I believe there is strength in numbers and we can fight to make a change.
I walk for those like who struggle like myself. Because everyone deserves to feel that they are not alone, no matter how dark what they are facing seems.
I walk for my own recovery, to remind myself that I am here for something greater. My passion lies in fighting mental illness.
I will be traveling to Philadelphia by myself, but I know that once I arrive I will not be alone, because so many others are joined in this fight with me.
Every dollar raised helps the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention:

 Fund scientific research

 Offer educational programs for professionals

 Educate the public about mood disorders and suicide prevention

 Promote policies and legislation that impact suicide and prevention

 Provide programs and resources for survivors of suicide loss and people at risk, and involve them in the work of the Foundation

Please Take a moment and connect with my page. Any small donation will mean the world to me. Every dollar makes a difference.

 

To those who are struggling..

Posted by Hope Rising on November 10, 2013
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

To the brave soul facing the Hard Battle…


As i sit here i think of you and i write this for you. I believe in the power of one broken heart reaching out to another. I do not know what your journey looks like and the twists and turns your story has taken so far. But know that no matter what your life looks like….I stand here with you. I stand with you through the pain until you can see the daylight breaking through the night. Each night is a fight….and as the sun rises you may find your self torn and battle scarred. Do not be ashamed of these scars…while others may see them as signs of defeat I see them as proof that you are fighting for life. You are not giving up… you are still breathing. So many have gone before you…so many have lost the fight for their lives…. succumbing to something that appears so much greater than themselves and their will to survive…depression…addiction…mental illness.These things…these things that look like giants..they can be trampled. They can be broken, they don’t have to break you. There is help out there, there is hope, and there is healing. I used to believe that none of that was possible, until it became a reality in my own life. But even then I still wondered when the other shoe would drop, but I know that my story is not the only one.

Kahlil Gibran said,

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”


I am blessed to be surrounded by a multitude of people who are able to understand the pain of my past and the power of my story because they have also lived it themselves. I truly do believe that scarred souls seek out other scarred souls who can understand their pain. It has been amazing to me to watch as God has orchestrated my story down to every minute detail….including those i would encounter along the way and develop immediate bonds with. These people continue to amaze me…day in and day out. They fervently fight for others who are in the same dark place we once were. They are hope in the darkness. Everyday they help others, and inspire me, and undoubtely prove that hope is real and healing is possible. I hope that you will come across some of these amazing people and organizations, and you will let us be a part of your story. What has been written cannot be changed but it can be the starting point of an amazing new chapter in your life. We hope and pray that you do not end the story before it gets the chance to blossom into something wonderful…something that can give others hope like these stories have given to me.

Today we fight for you. We strive to break down the walls and create a safe world where you can talk about your pain and get help. Suicide is a deep topic and it Is everyone’s business. No one deserrves to be left alone in their pain when there are resources available and people like me who care and want to see you living…and living a full life. All across the world today we reflected on those we have lost to suicide, those of us who survived a suicide attempt remember how we felt in those dark days and we reach out to all of you who are hurting…we are here for you because, we too have been In those dark places.

We stand together to tell you that you matter. your story matters. We want you to fight for your life…we don’t want you to give up. PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP.

There will be a day when the razor and the knife are no longer comforts, and those lines will turn to scars that will never be opened again. Where you no longer reach for the pills,alcohol or drugs to escape the pain, A day when the depression will lift and you can breathe again. That day WILL come..believe. But if that day is not today, then I beg you…keep fighting. Tomorrow may be your breakthrough.

We believe in a #worldwithoutsuicide


TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS

YOU’RE NOT FINISHED- FACEBOOK

http://yourenotfinished.com/

THE JED FOUNDATION

WWW.AFSP.ORG

 

Why is Suicide Prevention Important to Me?

Posted by Hope Rising on September 13, 2012
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

This week has been dedicated to spreading the word about suicide prevention. Media Outlets, Individual Bloggers and Organizations have all come forward to speak and share on the topic.

So why do I care about Suicide Prevention?

I have been there… I have known what is it is to feel as if I am drowning in a sea of hopelessness, I have known heartache that never seemed to subside, I have known the feeling of almost giving up and throwing it all away.

In the midst of my pain, I found Hope and Love in the arms, hearts and words of friends and even strangers. I found my light at the end of the tunnel. Together we picked up the pieces of my life and I started the long journey of treatment and recovery. And now I want to be the one to offer hope to others.

Suicide is something that affects all of us; it touches our lives in one way or another. And it doesn’t have to happen. Every 18 minutes, someone in the US dies by suicide. Every 45 seconds, another person attempts to take their own life.

There is help and there is hope out there for anyone who is struggling. I believe that no one has to walk this journey of life alone, especially not during the difficult times.

I fight for suicide prevention because I believe no one should ever have to feel hopeless enough to take their own life. I fight because I believe no family should have to endure the heartache of losing someone they love so much to suicide. I fight to break down the silence and stigma surrounding suicide and mental illness so that help can be freely sought out and given to those in need.

I fight to see a world free of suicide, and I believe it is possible. And I am joined by millions who fight for the same.

We are united to offer help, hope and love to all those who are hurting.