Tonight in San Francisco thousands will gather for suicide prevention through the overnight walk. Together stories and lives join together to make a difference. For many who embark on this journey through the night there is a burden on their heart of a life gone too soon. As they walk the 18 miles through the night they carry the name and the memory of their loved one with them.
For many this is a very difficult journey…emotionally and physically but they take the steps in the right direction to turn their own grief into hope for others. Every walker pledges to raise a minimum of $1000. This money helps to aid in research for suicide prevention, fund resources and outreach for those in need and creates support groups for families who have recently experienced a suicide.
The reach of this event goes far beyond the 18 miles and the impact is felt for more than just one night.
Join me in supporting those who take this journey into the night.
For me there is a magic that is in the air once May comes around. This year, there is also a chill, but that doesn’t change anything for me. The month of May used to have many dates that were important to me, and over the years those dates have caused quite a bit of heartache.
But one thing that can never be changed is the fact that May is the month of my birth. And over the last few years I have been able to really cherish what that means for me. I get so excited during this time, because for me it means continuing the story, writing another chapter in the book of my life. And that really excites me because for so long I never envisioned a future for myself. Being in recovery, and learning through this process has truly given me my life back, and transformed into a better life than I could have ever imagined for myself.
So HELLO MAY.
I welcome you with open arms, a full heart, and an expectant spirit.
May is an important month for me for many reasons, but one of the most important is that is Mental Health Awareness Month. So much of what fuels me, so much of what my life’s works surrounds, and so much of my reason for living is focused around Mental Health. In some ways part of my self care is pouring myself into the work that matters to me. I find peace in helping others find hope during their dark times. Writing is a release. whether it is on a personal level, or on a wider scale hoping to break down stigma for …it helps me as I help others.
So this month I push my self to be as active as I can in the community, to continue to share my story, and to bring awareness.
My faith has always been a huge part of my life, and it has always been an important part of my recovery. As i have shared many times in the past, my faith community is such a large piece of my support system, and for them I am thankful. But even greater than the love of an earthly family, is the Love of my Savior. Who rescued me from a life that was full of darkness and dead things.
Last year in Texas, I was facing a new chapter in my life. I was stepping out of my comfort zones, and it was scary and exhilarating and it was hard. In April of last year, I was only newly walking the road of recovery for a few short months, and it was a daily struggle. But in the midst of that struggle I was asked to share my truth, to tell my story…open and honestly. The thought excited and also scared me straight to my core. But I knew, that if I didn’t… I would carry the burden of shame and secrets with me, and it would destroy me as it had so many times before. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was what i needed to do. I needed to be brave with my story, to release my pain, and to help others do the same.
and for that opportunity i am so thankful. because it has changed my life.
and a part of me knew that. even last year. even with all the thoughts going through my head. I knew it was all part of a bigger plan.
I was so far away from God in those days, because I felt my struggle discount my worth for His Love. I thought I had strayed too far away to be helped, to be changed. But that morning, I was struck with the Truth that dissolved all those doubts. I knew I would walk out of this experience changed.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The morning of the Overnight Walk, I woke up with that verse in my heart. Playing over and over in my head. Reminding me that the path I have taken in my life, is not in vain, there is purpose in the pain. There is a calling over my life that I cannot deny.
I made my way to Thanksgiving square, and there was a weight on my heart. Not a burden. But a heavy feeling of thanksgiving that was overwhelming me. I entered the chapel and there was no one there, but as I sat and prayed and worshiped..the power of grace and love was so heavy in that room. Alone in that room, I gave my life back over to God. I trusted him for the first time in a very long time. I believed in His unyielding power to redeem my story. To redeem my life, from the pit of darkness that I had been living in. I made a promise to walk each day in recovery, to treat this body with the care and respect that it deserves. To treat this life, as the gift that it really is.
As the light shone through the intricate glass work of the chapel windows, I could feel the light being awakened in my own life. and a peace surrounded me, like none I had ever felt before. I knelt in thanksgiving. Thanking God once again for the second chance at life. Thanking Him for the opportunity to share my story to help others and to be a light in their darkness. I was changed in that room, and in that moment I found a bravery that could only come from HIM.
And I’ll be with you through The dark so that you do not, Go through the dark alone. ~Biloxi Parish- The Gaslight Anthem
Depression, for me, has been like a darkness where all hope seems lost, and I can’t find my way left or right of it. In the beginning it was so difficult, because I didn’t let anyone in, and I carried the burden alone. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. But, I know now that I was just doing more damage to myself. When I finally allowed people in, it wasn’t a magical cure. The darkness didn’t just float away and all was right with the world immediately. It took time, it was a long journey, and in many ways it is a journey I am still on.
But those people I let in, they became my guides. They took my hand and led me to the resources that I needed. They led me to safe places where I could share my truth. And each time I wanted to give up, they held my hand tighter to remind me that I was never alone. And on the really hard days, they carried me step by step until I found the strength to try again.
And as we continued, to move forward..together.. The light began seeping in.
And that is why the Overnight Walk is so important to me.
Each year as I take this symbolic journey of 16 miles through the night,
I am reminded how my community rallied together to get me out of the darkness and into the light.
And as I walk alongside others, I know that each person is at a different point of their journey,
But I want to do for others what other so selflessly did for me.
For more than just this night, I want to walk with you.
I want to take your hand and guide you to where you need to be.
I want you to be able to witness the glorious sunrise at the end of the journey and realize just how far you have come. I want you to know that you are never alone, I will be right here through it all.
Each year as I prepare to do the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, I am blown away by the outpouring of support I receive. So far I am more than halfway to my goal and there are only two months until the walk. But, it isn’t just financial backing that means so much to me. Each and every person who I have shared my story with, and has still welcomed me with open arms, I thank you. For the friends who are there in the latest hours of the night, in the darkest times of my life, I thank you. For those who constantly reach out to me, to tell me how proud they are of me, and how they believe in me, I thank you.
Because it is so much more than just this journey of 18 miles. This is my life story. This is my passion. And every single person who sows into me, is fanning the flame within me. With my amazing support system behind me… I know I can do this. I know I can walk through the night, even if I have to fight my body to do so. I know that I can stand up and continue to be brave with my story. I know that I can continue to push forward and reach for my dreams. I know that I can continue to celebrate important milestones of recovery, and they are as important to me as they are to those who love me.
When the dark days come, and pain tries to destroy me… all I have to do is look around and know that I am never alone. I am blessed to be surrounded by the people that I love, and who love me without condition.
So thank you for being a part of this journey.
Not only for the Overnight.
Today marks 10 years since the movement began. To Write Love on Her Arms.
Such a simple message not many would understand at first.
But for those of us who shared Renee’s story, that simple phrase was the power and the permission to share our stories. To uncover our scars and start honest conversations…
To ask for help when things were getting too hard.
To say no to the things we were using to numb ourselves from the reality of our pain.
To turn our pain into purpose.
I found TWLOHA right at the beginning. And right when I needed it the most.
At 19 years old, and coming off the heels of two of the biggest losses in my life at the time.
Sleepless nights and panic attacks would soon follow.
An addiction to self injury that was out of control,
and being hidden because of shame.
Depression that robbed me of my will to get out of bed.
Eventually it would rob me of my will to live.
TWLOHA showed me that I was not alone.
In my sheltered world where everyone was so much happier and healthier than me,
I found a glimmer of hope in knowing that there were others out there.
People like Renee and me who struggle.and people like Jamie who would not give up on a friend no matter what her life looked like.
I bought my first shirts and wore them until they were threadbare.
They held a message I believed in. For Renee. For myself.
Every time I wear one in public and see someone else wearing them, there is always a nod a smile, and even sometimes a hug. No matter what part of the story we relate to, we know we are a part of something bigger.
I am proud to support TWLOHA.
For 10 years of storytelling.
For allowing me to be honest and seek help.
For bringing people into my life that will walk this journey with me.
The #overnightwalk is my way of taking back my life. I have the power to rewrite this story. What was meant to destroy me…is the foundation on which I have built my life. To Give HOPE to others in their time of need. THIS IS MY FIGHT SONG. #IAMAWARRIOR
Last year when I traveled to Texas for the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention, I was taking a huge step in my own personal recovery. I was chosen as one of the representatives of the honor bead ceremony. My last post: Green Honor Beads I shared what the Green beads represent for me.
This was the first time I have ever been so public with my story. It is easy to share your heart and your words from behind a computer screen. It is a completely different experience to hear your story flood the speakers into a crowd of over a thousand people.
There on that stage, I was most vulnerable. I had a choice to make, to draw back and not participate or fully allow myself to engage with that moment and all the emotions that came along with it.
As I stood on that stage, I started shaking and the tears started flowing. As I looked out on the crowd, thousands of eyes looked back at me. And in them I saw empathy, and care, and pride and hope. The participants of the Overnight flooded me with such messages and support, that I felt the shame of my story fall away.
As I walked through the night, I had many people stop me and thank me for being brave enough to share my story. Because they had been there, or someone they loved had been there. Or because they had wished the loved one they lost had been able to talk about their struggles.
When I came back to New York, I was filled with the truth that telling our stories has the power to destroy shame and stigma. I have been sharing my story on this blog for quite some time. But, in my real life, I was very guarded with who I shared the whole story with. I was afraid of the repercussions. I have been told many times, even by my own family members, that I should keep my story quiet?
But why? It is in the silence that the shame grows within a person. In the silence is where stigma gains its power. Silence keeps our stories from reaching the people who need to hear it most. Silence builds up a wall that prevents those who should be seeking help, from doing so. Silence hurts more people.
I know that being honest will push people away, as there are so many people who are clouded by negativity surrounding mental illness and suicide. But I know that the ones who stay in my life, are the ones I want there. The ones who will join in my fight to break down stigma. The ones who will know all of me and will not ask me to change so that they can feel better. The ones who will be better friends and supporters to those in crisis.
I want to create a life where every day feels like looking out on to those thousands of faces and seeing love and acceptance. I want that for myself, and I want that for everyone else out there who struggles.
My journey on the Overnight is fueled by my own personal struggle.
These green beads I wear signify a decade long battle with addictions, and depression and the struggle to find myself in the midst of that pain.
My journey has not been easy and it is far from over, I know there are many things I still have to face and conquer. But the fact that I wear these beads without shame or fear of judgment is a testament to the work of AFSP.
It’s not an easy task to stand up and say: “Yes I have struggled. Yes, I wanted to take my own life. Yes, I am scarred and bruised and battered.” But when I wear these beads and see others with them, it is a reminder that I am not alone.
I am more than a statistic, I am more than an addiction, I am more than a diagnosis. There is much more to me that hasn’t even been discovered. There are places I long to see. People I want to grow old with. Changes I want to make in my life and in others’.
Every step and every tear is a reminder of how far I have already come in this journey called life. I have experienced deep pain, I have struggled to come to terms with loss in my life. I have seen the depths of despair. But I am still here, still fighting, still trying to make a difference. There are miles ahead of me, but all I have to do is turn around and see the miles I have already conquered.
The Overnight is an event that allows me to share my story and connect with others. It is the fuel that gets me through the night, and all the days ahead.
The scars on my wrists represent a life that could have ended; A life that was filled with so much pain, disappointment, and heartbreak. I will have these scars for the rest of my life. I will have the memories of sitting on a bathroom floor and just giving up. But I also have the memory of waking up and being given the chance to start over and get help for the battles that I was facing. There are still times that I struggle, but I know that I am not alone. There are many people who wear the “green beads” of depression, bipolar disorder, addiction, and other mental health conditions. We are in this together.
The things I have struggled with are the very same things that fuel me to help others. I believe that I have walked where I have walked for a reason. I know that my journey is a blessing because it has given me the tools to be able to help somebody out of their darkness.
So I will continue to walk this journey called life, and give my life to help others.
The Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention
Dallas Overnight WalkJune 2, 2018
Walking to raise Mental health Awareness and Suicide Prevention. To save lives.
Hope Rising Project 