; it isn’t over yet..

Posted by Hope Rising on April 14, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, Uncategorized. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

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A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life. ~ Amy Bleuel-Project Semicolon

 

I came across Project Semicolon in the spring of 2014, and it was something that resounded so deeply within me. At that time in my life, I was struggling heavily with self-harm and suicide was a daily thought for me. But I desperately wanted to have hope that things could get better. I wanted to believe that I could heal. That the scars on my wrists, the scars on my heart would heal…that I could find peace and happiness. I wanted to tell a story worth telling, live a life worth living. And Amy’s personal story inspired me to do so.

In the spring of 2014 I got my semicolon tattoo. It was and still is a constant reminder to keep choosing life, to fight for the life I want. It is one of my smallest, yet most significant tattoos. Not only is it important for me, but it is also a way to spark conversation. When people ask what it means, I not only get to share Amy’s hope with people, but I am able to share my story in hopes that I can inspire another person. I wear it as “badge” that I have overcome the dark parts of my story, and it is a signal to others that they can find safety in sharing their story with me.

On March 23,2017 Amy Bleuel died by suicide, and even though I never met her, the ache in my heart is so profound.  Though she is no longer with us, her life and legacy live on with all those she inspired. Amy fought so hard to create a safe space where others could seek help, and that will continue through of all us who believed in her words. All of us who clung on to that Hope.

This article by The Mighty perfectly sums up the mixed emotions those of us in the field of suicide prevention are feeling.

For me, personally… I will continue to display my semicolon tattoo. Because I still believe in the idea behind the Project, because it helped me. I will continue to speak about what I have been through, and I will continue to place myself in situations where I can help others. I will continue my professional work as a mental health counselor. I will continue my personal work in suicide prevention. and I will continue to be a safe space for anyone who needs it.

That is how I want to continue my story.
To be HOPE for the Hurting.

Update: The Overnight 2017 Fundraising

Posted by Hope Rising on March 24, 2017
Posted in: Fundraising, Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

On May 20th, 2017 I will embark on a journey of 16 miles through the streets of San Diego from sunset to sunrise. This is meant to symbolize bringing the issues of suicide and mental health conditions Out of the Darkness and into the light of day. This event aims to break down the stigma that is so often entangled with these subjects. This year will be the 5th time that I take this journey through the night.

To learn more about this event: Click Here

When we register for the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention  each walker pledges to raise a minimum of $1000 ($700 for students and military)This allows us to make a great impact and raise the much needed funds for the important work ahead of us. Every year suicide claims more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined, and yet suicide prevention doesn’t get anywhere near the funding given to other leading causes of death.

So when you support me and the many other walkers in this event, we unite together to truly create a world without suicide. Every donation helps to fund research for Suicide Prevention, Create and distributed education programs, advocate for public policy and support those affected by suicide. There are only 58 days until the Event, and I have met 57% of my minimum fundraising goal. I am so thankful for the donations that have already come in because it is a tangible way that I am helping to use my own story to help others.

I am alive and thriving. I have the freedom to share my story and challenge shame and stigma. I have the chance to use my past experience to help another person in their time of need. I have the ability to help fund projects that may save a person when they need it most. For me there is no better way to embrace my own life, than help another person do the same.

That is why I walk every year. And I need your help to do it again this year.
Only $300 left to raise to meet my minimum , I have a personal goal of $1000 for the event this year. Please consider joining me in the fight against suicide and offering hope to those in need.

http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=widgets.200x420thermo&participantID=20951

 

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The Overnight: The Colors I Wear

Posted by Hope Rising on March 5, 2017
Posted in: Fundraising, Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , . Leave a comment

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Every year during the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, walkers and volunteers wear what we call honor beads. The different colors represent the different losses and the reasons why we walk. Each year I wear Green, Teal and Blue Beads.

I wear Teal Beads for two very important people in my life who live with mental health conditions. Both have lived experience of a suicide attempt. I am honored to be a part of their lives and stories. My life would not be the same without them as a part of it. As I walk these 16 miles through the night I carry their stories with me, one friend by my side and another at home cheering me on. We are connected by our experiences, this organization, and most of all our strength to fight for our tomorrow.

The Green Beads I wear signifies my personal struggle with depression. For many years I carried that part of myself with shame and silence. I went through each day only surviving, I did not know what it meant to really Live. Depression lead to self-harm, and eventually suicidal ideation. And still, in silence, I trudged on. But through AFSP I found my voice, and the ability to share my story without judgment. I found help, and over time I found healing. And now, I am living a life I am in love with. I am living well and thriving with a mental health condition.

And every year I wear Blue Beads which represent my support for the cause. And this year those beads mean so much more to me. This year as I drape these beads over my neck they represent the work I do each and every day. As a Mental Health Counselor, I sit with my clients as they express their pain and hopelessness. And I am there to support them through their dark days, and watch as the HOPE comes back into their eyes. These beads are the representation of paying forward that which has been done for me to other souls in need. These beads signify what I have always known deep down inside: I was born for this, there was a purpose in my own pain.

During the Overnight  Walk for Suicide Prevention, I will join hundreds of others who are joining the fight against suicide who are walking to break down stigma and shame.

Who will walk through the night to bring these topics Out of Darkness and into the Light?

What is your connection to the cause? What color would you wear?

 

 

Help me Fight Suicide 

Posted by Hope Rising on February 23, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , . Leave a comment

Dear Friends and Family,
As many of you know each year I participate in The Out of the Darkness Overnight for Suicide Prevention. This year I will be traveling to San Diego for my 5th Walk. This event is so important to me for so many reasons. As a Mental Health Counselor, I wholeheartedly stand behind the outreach and projects funded by the money raised such as :educational programs that help teachers and fellow students identify the signs of depression and suicidal behavior in high schools, training for field advocacy to fight for suicide prevention in legislation, training for facilitators to lead grief support groups for survivors of suicide loss, and implementing an Interactive Screening Program for College campuses.

However, this event is much more personal for me. I have struggled with depression, self injury, and suicidal thoughts for more than a decade. If it wasn’t for safe spaces like those offered by The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms, I might have continued to suffer in silence. I learned the importance of sharing my story, I learned that it was a sign of strength not weakness to get help. And most importantly I learned that my past did not have to stifle my dreams for my future, instead it has actually fueled them and pushed me to make them a reality.
This year it is important for me to walk because I feel like it is a celebration and culmination of my experiences. This year I celebrated 2 years free from self injury, this year I can honestly say I am free from my ED behaviors, this year I am going to graduate with my Masters in Mental Health Counseling, and I am FINALLY getting to work in my field. It is a year of so many accomplishments for me, and I just want to be able to give back. For me that means raising the money that will help to save lives, the same way it saved my life.

So I am asking for your help once again. To get me to San Diego. To help me raise $1000. Even a small donation of $10 or $20 can go a long way if we all gather together. Your support means so much to me. These events have changed my life in more ways than I can even share.
To DONATE for the 2017 Overnight Walk

The Overnight Walk: What your donation can do. 

Posted by Hope Rising on February 10, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Every year suicide claims more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined, and yet suicide prevention doesn’t get anywhere near the funding given to other leading causes of death. It’s up to Walkers like us to make a difference. Together we can change the conversation about mental health and put a stop to this tragic loss of life.

When we register for the Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention  each walker pledges to raise a minimum of $1000 ($700 for students and military)This allows us to make a great impact and raise the much needed funds for the important work ahead of us.

So how does your donation make a difference?

Here’s how:

EVERY $10 – Distributes one Depression and Bipolar Awareness educational program (DVD).

EVERY $50 – Provides AFSP educational materials to 25 people. If just one person seeks help after reading these materials, a life could be saved for less than the cost of dinner and a movie.

EVERY $100 – Covers the cost of More Than Sad: Suicide Prevention and Education for Teachers and Other School Personnel (DVD and supporting program).

EVERY $250 – Enables AFSP to recruit and train a volunteer field advocate who can then educate Federal, State and local elected officials about suicide prevention.

EVERY $500 – Trains a new Survivor of Suicide support group facilitator. Each new group assists newly bereaved survivors and helps them see that they are not alone.

EVERY $1,000 – Combined with $1,000 from 7 other walkers, develops an educational product for individuals and families to use as a resource for people who have been suicidal or had a recent suicide attempt

EVERY $2,500 – Funds a year of research into the genetic, biological or behavioral factors that contribute to suicide when added to $2,500 from 17 other walkers. The number of lives potentially saved by this research is incalculable.

EVERY $5,000 – Places AFSP’s groundbreaking Interactive Screening Program (ISP) at a college or university. By proactively engaging those in need, the ISP supports student mental health and helps create a culture that recognizes that stress and depression are common and treatable problems in today’s world.

Together we can create a world without suicide.
To support me in this year’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in San Diego: Click Here

The 2017 Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention

Posted by Hope Rising on February 3, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health, The Overnight. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , . Leave a comment

This year I will be traveling to San Diego, California to participate in my 5th Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention.

The Overnight Walk is a 16-18 mile walk that takes place each year beginning at sunset and going through the night until the sunrise. This is meant to symbolize bringing the issues of suicide and mental health conditions Out of the Darkness and into the light of day. This event aims to break down the stigma that is so often entangled with these subjects.

The Overnight Walk creates a safe space for those who have lost someone they love to suicide to grieve together and celebrate the memory of their loved ones. And for other participants, like myself, who struggle with mental health conditions, it is a safe place to not only share our stories of hope, but to find warmth, love and compassion in the arms of others who understand. It a safe place to create a conversation that will go far beyond ourselves, and save lives by breaking the silence.

Many of us have struggled in the darkness for so long, because we have been told that suicide, addiction, and mental health conditions are not be spoken about. And we have had to carry the burden alone for a long time. But it is through the Overnight Walk that we allow ourselves the freedom to raise our voice, to crack through the silence of the night, and call attention to the bigger picture.

Talking about suicide, saves lives. By breaking walls of the things that we are not “supposed to talk about”, we allow those who are in the deepest pain to reach out to us when it is most needed. And we allow ourselves to step into those dark situations and offer hope, even when others may not feel it. WE are a safe haven, and we want to extend that compassion and hope to the communities and individuals we encounter on a daily basis. Whether it is our closest friend, or a stranger on the commute to work, we aim to be the connection that keep someone from the brink of life and death.

As I continue to prepare for this year’s event, I will continue to share my connection to the cause. I ask that you watch the video down below to understand just how impacting this event is to those of who participate in it.

If you would like to donate this event and support me in my own journey of overcoming the darkness please click here: 2017 Overnight Walk Fundraising Page 

Welcome to Midnight: 2017

Posted by Hope Rising on January 1, 2017
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

 

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Welcome to Midnight

Every year I come back to this post because there is something so honest about it.

As I stood on the edge of 2016, I was hopeful. I was filed with such determination to not allow the year the play out like every single one before it. For the first time in a very long time,  I believed in the power of change.
I believed that I could leave it all behind me.

In those moments, Hope was a Wildfire.
And that Hope fueled me through the tough months ahead.

Midnight meant that I made through  nearly one year of recovery, but it was still a new road to me. It was self preservation and determination that had gotten me through.
But I wanted to thrive, not just survive.

I remember ringing in the new year watching Demi Lovato perform, someone who I look up to in recovery because our paths have looked a lot alike. And I was proud in those moments to see her happy and healthy and living her dreams and I wanted the same.

I welcomed the possibility of a life truly free of the things that I have battled for so long.
A year where I wouldn’t drown my sorrows in alcohol and the comfort of a razor.
A year where I could be healthy enough to help others.
A year where I could see my dreams coming to fruition.
A year where happiness and love would overflow
instead of the cover of darkness and depression.

and as I stand on the edge of 2017…

Every single one of those Hopes has come to pass.
And my heart can barely handle just grateful I feel in these moments.

2017 is the continuation of something wonderful,

of something I have fought for so many years to finally have…

A LIFE I LOVE.

WELCOME 2017, let’s make it a good one.

 

The Great Perhaps…

Posted by Hope Rising on December 23, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Today marks one of the most exhilarating and terrifying days of my adult life. Today I left behind a job where I have been planted for the last 4 years, in a field I have been in for over a decade. Today I decided to stop letting fear dictate my life and actively go after my dreams. Today I threw caution to the wind, I shook off the chains of my past, and I decided to  truly let go and let God.

Helping people has always been my passion. A passion that was birthed from my own personal struggles. Since the age of 19, I knew that helping others get their lives’ back would bring ME great Joy.

However, fear played a major role in me choosing a steady paycheck over something that fuels me. For a long time, I have felt the yearning to follow my calling. To trust my instincts. I have felt stifled by not being able to chase after the things that I want for my life. I have been “dream chasing” part time for years, letting it play out only on weekends or through fundraisers, but then having to get up on Monday morning and do something I never really loved.

In 2009 I chose marriage over career.
In 2011 depression took away my plans for a future
In 2012 divorce left me even more broken.
In 2013 I was accepted into the graduate program of my choice, I once again gained HOPE that I could fulfill my dreams
in 2014 loss, heartache and relapse was a language I knew all to well.
in 2015 I began the road of personal recovery and preparing myself to help others.

and finally in 2016. I am stepping into my role as a Mental Health Counselor.

There are a lot of questions floating around in my mind. Many insecurities, many worries about what the next 6 months will hold, and how that will impact my life.

It is uncomfortable.
BUT… it is when we are uncomfortable..that we grow.
I do not want to be stagnant.
I want to become the best version of myself possible so that I can help others do the same.

So as I leave this job. I leave so much of my story behind.
The good and the bad, it has all helped me to get to this point.
I am thankful for the journey, because if I had never fallen so deeply as I had, I would have never realized just how strongly the fire within me burned.

so I leave another chapter of the past behind..

and I go now to “seek a great perhaps”

This is just the beginning of a brand new life.

I open myself up to the endless possibilities my future can hold.

“Francois Rabelais. He was a poet. And his last words were “I go to seek a Great Perhaps.” That’s why I’m going. So I don’t have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps.”- John Green, Looking for Alaska

 

We Made It

Posted by Hope Rising on September 12, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

 

To those whose stories look mine,

We are alive. We made it. When your world crumbles at your feet, and your lungs are weighed down with the pressure of a million disappointments, and your heart is far too broken to pump one more ounce of blood, sometimes there only seems as if there is one choice. But if you are reading this and you have survived the darkest day(s) of your life, then I say this to you:

We are more than survivors,We are WARRIORS. Because it not been easy to pick up the pieces of our lives and place them back together. Not in the way in they once were, but into a beautiful glorious masterpiece. Yes there will be scars, there will be cracks in our crevices, but still we are beautiful. Our lives are beautiful. And i know its not easy, and I know some days you still want to give up, and you don’t yet see that beauty. But know this: You have touched my life, you have made a difference just by being in it.

We have made it this far. and that is the testament to the fight that is within us, even when we don’t think we have the strength to fight anymore. So on the days that you feel like giving up, remember how far you have come. Remember how much you are loved. Remember that someone out there can’t imagine their life without you in it.

I know that it is not easy, because I walk the same road. But never once think that you fight this alone. You don’t have to give in to the thoughts of destruction. I promise you this life, is worth fighting for. Things take time. It isn’t going to be perfect. And it wont seem better right away. But if you are willing to fight, dear warrior. I’ll stand right beside you and wage war.

 

To Close out National Suicide Prevention Week I wanted to share this piece of spoken word poetry that I absolutely love. I believe in power of words, for in the depths of my own despair someone took the time to speak HOPE and LIFE into me. A year ago I came across this spoken word poetry and I could not help but be brought to tears. I urge you to take a few minutes out of your day and just watch this video and let the words move you.

 

 

 

We have made it this far. Let us make the promise to ourselves and each other, that we will fight for our tomorrows.

 

WSPD16: And so I kept living

Posted by Hope Rising on September 10, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

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It could not be extinguished

The life force that burned like a wildfire deep within me.

Heart beating within my chest 
Pumping Hope through my veins.

Urging me to just hold on,

Not to give up

Not to give in

To the fear, hurt, doubt and disappointment that was trying to drown me alive.

Life saving words floating from the mouths of strangers and those I love.

A chorus of  “You are worth living. I love you. Please don’t give up.”

Since I was 18 years old there has been one word that has been spoken over my life

Time after time after time:

Purpose.

And even on the nights when I wanted to bleed my sorrows out on bathroom floors

When the thoughts in my head screamed hate and disappointment.

The steady beating of my heart would not let me forget:

You were born for more than this.

This life you have been given is for a reason.

There are others out there who need you to help them.

Your heart, though it may be broken, was created to help carry the burdens of others.

Your hands, though they  hold a razor right now, will one day help to bring healing to another.

Your eyes,though they are filled with tears, will one day look into the eyes of another and remind them how deeply they are loved.

And one day, on the brink of giving it all up.

I chose to embrace this word called Purpose.

I chose to believe.

Chose to believe that I did not suffer in silence.

Chose to believe that I was not alone.

Chose to believe that this was all for a reason.

And so I kept living.

I kept fighting for my better tomorrow.

I kept choosing life even when it was difficult to do so.

I chose to put the razor down, throw the pills into the garbage

And survived on words of Hope instead.

600 days of choosing life.

And this life is vastly different than the one I left behind.

Purpose is coming to fruition.