self harm recovery

All posts tagged self harm recovery

#imnotashamed

Posted by Hope Rising on January 25, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 2 Comments

My struggle with depression and self harm began at 13 years old, and since then I have worn my story on my body. And for so many years, I wore it with shame.

At 16 years old, my addiction to self harm had grown out of control and it was my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I was forced into treatment. During that time when I needed support the most, all I felt was the shame of my family. The questions of “how could I do this to THEM?”, “what would other people think about us?” were constantly flooding my mind. I was ashamed because I felt I was weak.

At 19 years old I ran an old friend and she noticed the scars on my wrists and she said “you’re still doing that? i thought you would grow out of it.” Instantly I felt ashamed that I was still struggling, as if mental illness could be “just a phase”, as if depression could be something I could just shake off and I wasn’t strong enough to do so for so long.

At 22 I found myself once again standing on the edge of choosing death over life. Depression gripped me tightly. The razor brought me relief from constant mental turmoil, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my life to end.

Thankfully it didn’t.

The road to recovery hasn’t always been an easy one. It has been filled with many highs and lows. Many setbacks, but i keep moving forward. I am more than depression. I am more than addiction. I am more than self injury.

My life is a bright beautiful reminder that the dark times do not last forever. Eventually, the sun begins to shine through. Through the cracks and crevices of that brokenness and brings warmth to those deep cold places.

I had to learn to ignore the lies of stigma and shame in order to fully understand that depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, is not a sign of weakness, it is not a character flaw. It is a sickness like any other that needs treatment. It doesn’t just “go away”. Treatment looks different for each and every individual and that is o.k., but what is not o.k. is letting an illness go untreated because others don’t think you should feel what you feel.

Tackling depression and self injury has shown me that I am far stronger than I ever could imagine. It has taught me, like so many things in life, you can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is a full community of people like me out there, who are battling their illnesses bravely and living the best versions of their lives that is possible. I never thought I would be grateful for my struggles, but I am. I am so thankful that I can appreciate the fullness of what my life is right at this moment because I have seen the depths of darkness and despair. And even on the hard days it is easier to keep moving forward because I have seen how far I have come.

The struggles of my former life, have birthed a new dream in me. A dream to create a non profit where I can help others to find their healing through counseling, community, faith and hope.

I am more than mental illness.

I am a warrior.

and I am not ashamed.

(not so)Tiny Victories

Posted by Hope Rising on January 17, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . 1 Comment

The last few days I have been under the weather. After going through my previous years on Facebook, I have noticed that I am always sick around this time. I think it has a lot to do with the stress of the holidays and the toll that it can take on my body. The holidays are a stressful time for most people, but even more so for someone who struggles with depression. The running around, the forced interactions, long nights…it all adds up and when it all winds down it wreaks quite a bit of havoc.

For me the most challenging thing of being sick is that it puts all my emotions on high alert. I felt more easily agitated, sadness comes in waves and loneliness seems like it hangs over me.

Even though I was feeling under the weather I decided to attend my company’s holiday party. This was maybe not the best decision. Without going into too much detail I am just faced with certain people and situations I would much rather avoid.

As the night wore on, I could feel certain emotions just creeping up on me. It was getting to be too heavy for me. Normally, (unfortunately) my coping mechanism is to usually numb the emotions with alcohol, or seek solace in a razor. But I didn’t want to run away, I didn’t want this certain situation to have such a hold on my life, my emotions, and my overall mental health….because it does not deserve to have that place in my life. I reached out to my support system, but ultimately I  had to make the decision to stay strong. No one else can save me from my choices but me.

I am still working through some of my emotions and still trying to find closure from the situation in general…but I am so thankful that I did not take a step back in my recovery. I did not give another person the power to take away what I have worked so hard for… as I did 2 years ago. It was not easy to sit there and actually  feel my way through the negative emotions, but it was necessary. Recovery is not about running away and numbing. It is about feeling what needs to be felt and handling it in healthy and productive ways. So even though I was home alone by 11pm. For me it was a victory. I could lay my head to rest and KNOW I  hadn’t thrown anything away.

I am thankful for the friend, who in the late hours of the night was there reminding me of how big a step I had taken and how important this small victory is. In all honesty to some it may seem small, but as I continue to reflect on it, I see how important this step was in my recovery. Many more situations may arise, and they will be difficult to face, but I am proving to myself each day that I can do this. That I can stay healthy. And I can make this a lifetime commitment.

So today I celebrate a new victory on my road of recovery.

 

 

Staying Strong

Posted by Hope Rising on December 31, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

As many people do at the start of each year, I sit down and decide what I want the year ahead to hold. And in order to do that I choose a word to focus on. For 2015 that word was RECOVERY.

I wanted to really tackle the things that have been holding me back. I know now it is so much more than just marks on a calendar…counting the days since the last time i picked up a razor. It is so much more than avoiding counting calories and throwing away half a dozen bottles of diet pills.

On January 1st,2015 at 12:00am I was not happily ringing in the new year. I was curled up on the floor of a bathroom stall (not for the first time) digging into my skin. My mind was a battlefield. I hated everything I saw in the mirror, I hated every feeling that was wrecking my fragile heart. I was broken and lost and in a dark place.

The months before were filled with nights of binge drinking and questionable decisions. I was trying to fill a void in my life, and I couldn’t. I would numb myself for a few hours, but with the light of day I once again had more reasons to hate the person I was becoming. Yes, I was smiling on the outside…and according to social media, I was having the time of my life. I was living life the way a 27 year old “should.” But I was slipping away. So many nights, I sobbed myself to sleep just hoping for sweet relief.

So when the new year began, I knew I had to make a change.
I chose to give myself a real chance at a real life.
I have walked the road of recovery before, I had 3 years under my belt. I thought I was healthy….but I was just really good at self control until something came into my life that I couldn’t handle.

Over the last year I have done so much more than just thrown the razor away. Each and every day in the good and the bad, I chose Recovery. I chose to allow myself to experience negative emotions and not allow myself to wallow in them.  I learned how to combat negative self talk with words of wisdom and love. I learned how to face situations even when I knew they would hurt me, rather than running away. I learned that it is not about how many days are marked off on the calendar, because each day was a victory and a lesson.

So as this year comes to a close, I can really say I am celebrating recovery.