Tribe of Warriors

Posted by Hope Rising on February 24, 2016
Posted in: Fundraising, Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

The Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention is something I have been participating in  over the last 5 years. And it has impacted my life in so many ways. But something I have just been reflecting on lately, are the friendships that have been fostered because of these events. If I had never chosen to participate in my first walk 5 years ago, I would have never met any of these people. People I am BLESSED to call my friends.

They say that tragedy bonds people together, and while that may be true, I believe that more than anything… HOPE is what creates these amazing bonds. I am so amazingly overwhelmed by the strength and the love that these people pour out each and everyday, as a result of what they have been through. Each and every one of our stories is different. Some have struggled, some have lost, some live each day supporting and loving on someone who struggles with mental health issues. But together, we have taken that pain, and put it into power in order to help others. To create a brighter future and a safer place for those who are in the deepest pain.

The people I have met on these walks have inspired me. They have invited me into their lives, and into their stories, and have become a part of my own. Together we wage war, on stigma, on shame, and against the negativity that tries to keep us silent. We band together with a battle cry to our government to recognize that these issues need to be addressed, for we are losing far too many of our people. We crawl into the trenches to rescue those who have been hurt by the words of the world, to bandage up their wounds, and let them know … they have not been left behind. They are not forgotten, and we aim to save every single life that teeters between life and death.

We are a people who have known the depths of great pain. We have seen the ravages of addiction. We have survived our greatest losses. We walk a daily battle against our own minds. But we are strong. We are determined. We are warriors.

And this year once again I band together with my tribe of warriors to walk through the night, and bring suicide and mental illness out of the darkness and into the light.

 

Shining our Light in the Darkness

Posted by Hope Rising on February 22, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment
New-York-State-Facts
California-State-Facts

This year I will be traveling from coast to coast in order to participate in the work of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention through the Overnight Walk. My role will be different in each city, but the heart of the work, is uniting together to help end suicide. When we look at the statistics,  it is jarring to see just have lives are lost each year to suicide. And my heart breaks, because suicide is preventable. And those number represent people, like myself, who have struggled and in their despair have thought there was no other way out of the pain.

And that is why this work is so important to me. Because I want to break down the walls of stigma that do not allow a person who is in such turmoil feel as if they can open up to those around them about what they are feeling. No one who hurts so deeply should ever have to feel as if they are alone. They should never have to feel like they have to hide what is going on in their minds. They should never have to feel as if they are somehow weak because they struggle. And most importantly they should have to feel that there is no hope.

I want to be able to create a safe space within my family, my work, my community, and my city that allows those that are struggling to seek help without fear of judgement.More than 90% of people who die by suicide have an underlying mental illness at the time of their death, and it is not always recognized or treated. Together we can change this. We can change the way we talk and think about mental health issues. We can change the way we talk about and view treatment. And we can change the way we think and talk about people who struggle. The struggle does not define the person.

Society choose to see the “title”, the thing that is “wrong” and sees nothing else. I see a person who is brave, and fighting to survive each day.And if we do not change the way we are as a society and let stigma fall away , and remember that each and every single one us has different battles that we must face each and every day, then thousands will continue to live in silence and put their lives at risk because of it.

So I choose to be different. I choose to throw away stigma. I choose to shine light into someone’s darkness and say: You are not alone. It is ok to ask for help, and I will help you to find what works best for you. I will not give up on you. I believe that you can get through this. And I believe that you can live life beautifully, no matter what. And I will continue to work, until I can’t any longer…making sure that no one that I ever encounter feels hopeless.

Because.. as in the words of my favorite organization.. To Write Love on Her Arms..

 

HOPE IS REAL. HELP IS REAL. RESCUE IS POSSIBLE.

 

 

 

 

Goodbye January

Posted by Hope Rising on January 31, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: . Leave a comment

As the month comes to a close, most people are taking inventories on those promises they made to themselves just 30 days ago. As I was unwinding today, I decided to go back further and see the resolutions I made one year ago.

In this post: I Resolve I set forth a plan of what I wanted 2015 to look like. As I sit here rereading those words that weighed so heavy on my heart, I am overwhelmed.

Every. Single. One of those Hopes for the new year was accomplished.

I never thought I would be living out the life I am living. I am more confident in myself than I have ever been in my adult life. I feel stronger than I have  felt in the last 15 years. I love the person I see looking back at me in the mirror, in all her perfect imperfections. I am in love with the dreams I am crafting for myself, for my future. The fact that I am planning for a future when just a few short years ago I couldn’t see past the day in front of me.

 

I am in love with my life. And all of that was accomplished by sticking to my plans for 2015 and now 2016 has the potential to be my best year yet. If January was any indication of what could be in store for me, I say: “Bring it on.”

So unlike the years of the past, as January comes to a close, I am not sitting here reeling in the feelings of defeat. I am shouting from the mountaintops that I am ready to bravely face all the challenges ahead.

Let’s make 2016 a wonderful year!

 

 

#imnotashamed

Posted by Hope Rising on January 25, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , , , , . 2 Comments

My struggle with depression and self harm began at 13 years old, and since then I have worn my story on my body. And for so many years, I wore it with shame.

At 16 years old, my addiction to self harm had grown out of control and it was my first experience with suicidal thoughts. I was forced into treatment. During that time when I needed support the most, all I felt was the shame of my family. The questions of “how could I do this to THEM?”, “what would other people think about us?” were constantly flooding my mind. I was ashamed because I felt I was weak.

At 19 years old I ran an old friend and she noticed the scars on my wrists and she said “you’re still doing that? i thought you would grow out of it.” Instantly I felt ashamed that I was still struggling, as if mental illness could be “just a phase”, as if depression could be something I could just shake off and I wasn’t strong enough to do so for so long.

At 22 I found myself once again standing on the edge of choosing death over life. Depression gripped me tightly. The razor brought me relief from constant mental turmoil, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my life to end.

Thankfully it didn’t.

The road to recovery hasn’t always been an easy one. It has been filled with many highs and lows. Many setbacks, but i keep moving forward. I am more than depression. I am more than addiction. I am more than self injury.

My life is a bright beautiful reminder that the dark times do not last forever. Eventually, the sun begins to shine through. Through the cracks and crevices of that brokenness and brings warmth to those deep cold places.

I had to learn to ignore the lies of stigma and shame in order to fully understand that depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, is not a sign of weakness, it is not a character flaw. It is a sickness like any other that needs treatment. It doesn’t just “go away”. Treatment looks different for each and every individual and that is o.k., but what is not o.k. is letting an illness go untreated because others don’t think you should feel what you feel.

Tackling depression and self injury has shown me that I am far stronger than I ever could imagine. It has taught me, like so many things in life, you can’t do it alone and you shouldn’t have to. There is a full community of people like me out there, who are battling their illnesses bravely and living the best versions of their lives that is possible. I never thought I would be grateful for my struggles, but I am. I am so thankful that I can appreciate the fullness of what my life is right at this moment because I have seen the depths of darkness and despair. And even on the hard days it is easier to keep moving forward because I have seen how far I have come.

The struggles of my former life, have birthed a new dream in me. A dream to create a non profit where I can help others to find their healing through counseling, community, faith and hope.

I am more than mental illness.

I am a warrior.

and I am not ashamed.

(not so)Tiny Victories

Posted by Hope Rising on January 17, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . 1 Comment

The last few days I have been under the weather. After going through my previous years on Facebook, I have noticed that I am always sick around this time. I think it has a lot to do with the stress of the holidays and the toll that it can take on my body. The holidays are a stressful time for most people, but even more so for someone who struggles with depression. The running around, the forced interactions, long nights…it all adds up and when it all winds down it wreaks quite a bit of havoc.

For me the most challenging thing of being sick is that it puts all my emotions on high alert. I felt more easily agitated, sadness comes in waves and loneliness seems like it hangs over me.

Even though I was feeling under the weather I decided to attend my company’s holiday party. This was maybe not the best decision. Without going into too much detail I am just faced with certain people and situations I would much rather avoid.

As the night wore on, I could feel certain emotions just creeping up on me. It was getting to be too heavy for me. Normally, (unfortunately) my coping mechanism is to usually numb the emotions with alcohol, or seek solace in a razor. But I didn’t want to run away, I didn’t want this certain situation to have such a hold on my life, my emotions, and my overall mental health….because it does not deserve to have that place in my life. I reached out to my support system, but ultimately I  had to make the decision to stay strong. No one else can save me from my choices but me.

I am still working through some of my emotions and still trying to find closure from the situation in general…but I am so thankful that I did not take a step back in my recovery. I did not give another person the power to take away what I have worked so hard for… as I did 2 years ago. It was not easy to sit there and actually  feel my way through the negative emotions, but it was necessary. Recovery is not about running away and numbing. It is about feeling what needs to be felt and handling it in healthy and productive ways. So even though I was home alone by 11pm. For me it was a victory. I could lay my head to rest and KNOW I  hadn’t thrown anything away.

I am thankful for the friend, who in the late hours of the night was there reminding me of how big a step I had taken and how important this small victory is. In all honesty to some it may seem small, but as I continue to reflect on it, I see how important this step was in my recovery. Many more situations may arise, and they will be difficult to face, but I am proving to myself each day that I can do this. That I can stay healthy. And I can make this a lifetime commitment.

So today I celebrate a new victory on my road of recovery.

 

 

The Overnight Year 4

Posted by Hope Rising on January 3, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

This year I will be participating in my 4th Overnight Walk for Suicide Prevention with the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. These last 4 years have been have made such an impact in my life in so many ways.

I am so thankful for the friendships that have been fostered as a result of this event. I have been able to bear witness to telling of so many stories, so many different connections to the cause. We are bonded by the fact that we want a different future, a better future, a world without suicide. Together we gather to prevent another hurting person from feeling that they are ever alone in their struggle. From one coast to another, we gather to say we are never giving up on you…so we beg you..never give up on yourself.

This event is so important to me, because I was one of those people who felt alone in their depression, isolated from the world with no way out. I wanted to end my life, just to end the pain. But it was through the power of community, therapy and faith that I was able to see the light in the midst of the darkness. No matter where I am in this journey called life there have been people who are willing to meet me right where I am. That is never more true than at the Overnight.

At my first Overnight, I was beginning recovery, arms filled of scars, physically and emotionally I had only begun healing, but the love I felt that day cannot be put into words.

My second year I was still struggling but looking forward to the event and the people I had connected with beforehand kept me moving toward a goal of sobriety and recovery. As we walked through the night through the streets of Philadelphia, we shared stories of loss but there was an air of hope. I shared my dreams of starting a non profit organization and  eventually a counseling center. But I knew those dreams were far off because I had to be healthy first.

Last year in Texas I was able to share my story and do it from a place where I was on the road to recovery. It was the first time where I could really see my life really changing for the better. and It set my dreams in motion.

This year the walk is in New York, which is poignant to me, because it is where my original journey with the Overnight began. I am not the same person I was 6 years ago. I am on my way to finishing my degree in Counseling and will be helping people even more soon.

I look forward to what this particular journey through the night will hold for me and so many others. I invite you to take this journey with me and join my team. Together we can make a diffference.

Join Our Team (Team HopeRising)

Donate : Save Lives

 

One Word 2016

Posted by Hope Rising on January 1, 2016
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

As this year begins I know the path I want my life to take this year. I have been through so much in the last 12 months, so much that has caused me to grow and change and truly develop into the person  so many others believed I could be.

So for the year ahead i choose the mantra of my life to be:

INSPIRE.

There have been so many people that I have looked up to that have helped to get me to the place in my life that I am right now. And I want more than anything to be that for others, even if it is only one person. I want my life to be a testimony of perseverance through the hard times. I have been down in the pit of depression, bounded up by the chains of addiction, broken by people and relationships. But here I am. Strong, Happy and most importantly.. Healthy.

I want to inspire others to:

live life adventurously
step out of their comfort  zones
tear down the walls of silence surrounding their issues
be the best versions of themselves
love themselves and the differences that make them unique
embrace the past as a way to seek a better future
believe in healing

and most importantly…

To never, ever give up on themselves.

 

 

 

 

Staying Strong

Posted by Hope Rising on December 31, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , . Leave a comment

As many people do at the start of each year, I sit down and decide what I want the year ahead to hold. And in order to do that I choose a word to focus on. For 2015 that word was RECOVERY.

I wanted to really tackle the things that have been holding me back. I know now it is so much more than just marks on a calendar…counting the days since the last time i picked up a razor. It is so much more than avoiding counting calories and throwing away half a dozen bottles of diet pills.

On January 1st,2015 at 12:00am I was not happily ringing in the new year. I was curled up on the floor of a bathroom stall (not for the first time) digging into my skin. My mind was a battlefield. I hated everything I saw in the mirror, I hated every feeling that was wrecking my fragile heart. I was broken and lost and in a dark place.

The months before were filled with nights of binge drinking and questionable decisions. I was trying to fill a void in my life, and I couldn’t. I would numb myself for a few hours, but with the light of day I once again had more reasons to hate the person I was becoming. Yes, I was smiling on the outside…and according to social media, I was having the time of my life. I was living life the way a 27 year old “should.” But I was slipping away. So many nights, I sobbed myself to sleep just hoping for sweet relief.

So when the new year began, I knew I had to make a change.
I chose to give myself a real chance at a real life.
I have walked the road of recovery before, I had 3 years under my belt. I thought I was healthy….but I was just really good at self control until something came into my life that I couldn’t handle.

Over the last year I have done so much more than just thrown the razor away. Each and every day in the good and the bad, I chose Recovery. I chose to allow myself to experience negative emotions and not allow myself to wallow in them.  I learned how to combat negative self talk with words of wisdom and love. I learned how to face situations even when I knew they would hurt me, rather than running away. I learned that it is not about how many days are marked off on the calendar, because each day was a victory and a lesson.

So as this year comes to a close, I can really say I am celebrating recovery.

 

 

Choosing Gratitude

Posted by Hope Rising on December 30, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Tagged: , , , , , . Leave a comment

2015 was a year of significant highs and lows. But as I prepare to bring the year to a close, I look back with gratitude. I choose to give prominence to the good times I have experienced, and let go of the things that have hurt me. I choose gratitude because I am stronger, healthier, happier, & wiser than I was just one year ago. I choose gratitude because I have continued to move forward in my recovery and toward my dreams. I choose gratitude because I continue to be blessed by amazing friendships who continue to be an all important part of my support system.

2015 was a year of:
Adventure
Transparency
Honesty
Growth
Friendship &&
Amazing Memories

I learned how to step out of my comfort zone and embrace the “come what may” of life. And for that I am grateful.

It is not always easy to be grateful. But I am learning that it is an attitude  have to choose each and every day. Nothing that has happened to me in my life is out of coincidence, it has all been for a reason. When i am able to look at the bigger picture, looking beyond the pain of a moment….I choose to be grateful for this journey that I am walking. The things I dream of doing would not be possible if I hadn’t walked this journey.

This journey has fueled a passion in me, a passion to help others, a passion to change the world.

And for that…. I am grateful.

 

So I say goodbye to 2015, and a welcome 2016 with open arms. Grateful for the opportunities I have been given. Grateful for the people I have been surrounded with. Grateful for the love and support that I have been showered with. Grateful that I am able to give a voice to my story, and possibly help someone out there find their voice too.

I am ready for the journey before me.

Writing through the Pain

Posted by Hope Rising on December 28, 2015
Posted in: Mental Health. Leave a comment

Writing has always been an outlet for me, a place where words unspoken can come to life on a page, and set my soul free. In my writing, I release the hurts I can’t share with anyone else. I share the memories that have been guarded in the vault of my heart. I share the desires that are crying out from deep within. Sometimes I fear the things I write are so fragile, that if i speak them, they will no longer exist. But the truth of the matter is that God promises me something different. He promises that if I would come humbly before His throne, if I would lay my heart before Him…he would grant me the desires of my heart according to His Will. I know His word, I know the plans He has for me, and I know He will listen to my heart-cry.

So what do I yearn for when I lay my head down each night?What do the silent tears that stream down my face scream out for? Happiness, peace, love, respect. It does not seem like much. But life would have me believe that these things aren’t meant for me. But my God tells me differently. Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prospers you, not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.

My future is in God’s hands. I believe that not only Happiness, but Joy will overflow in my life and give me the strength to face the difficulties ahead. I believe that all things happen for a reason and I also believe that: All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.(Romans 8:28) I take my trials as a chance to learn lessons, not to look back in vain. It has taken me being broken down by people’s words and actions to finally realize that I deserve better than what I have been given.

And so I write through the pain. I write to remind myself that the story isn’t over yet. I write to remember that one failure doesn’t determine the end result. I write to continue to remind myself that God is still working in my situation.

For years, I walked a road reeling from the emotional, spiritual, and physical consequences of other’s actions and words. I could have let it destroy me completely…and at times.. it almost did. But I am still here today. Still recovering…and still moving forward because I have embraced God’s love in my life.  So I will continue write, I will continue to have HOPE, and I will continue to be brave with my story, so that others can be brave with theirs.

I am a warrior. And it is my hope that other’s can find the strength to fight these battles, to never give up. Because I am living proof that things can get better and I believe it is possible for others.