This is National Suicide Prevention Week, and while Suicide Prevention is something that is always at the forefront of my mind as a Mental Health Counselor, this week is also significant to my own story.
There are many emotions that arise as I remember that dark time in my life. Sometimes it can feel too heavy to remember the loneliness, the brokenness and the dark cloud that consumed everything around me.
But something I have learned in these nearly three years of recovery, redemption and restoration is that while I acknowledge my past and my story, it is not all that I am. It does not set the stage for what my life is going to look like from here on out, it is a time that shaped me and I learned from it. But it belongs in the past. I won’t hold on to those thoughts, and allow myself to slip back into darkness. I will not listen to the lies that tell me I am not any different than that person back then.
The best thing I ever did for myself, was to believe in change. To believe that things could get better, even when I really couldn’t see how. I chose to believe that the deep dark cloud of depression would one day lift, if only for a day. I chose to believe that I could embrace my body after warring with it for so long. I chose to believe that I could work and break the addiction to self harm that had become all too comforting.
Sometimes it may seem like this all happened overnight, and it was an easy process. But that is the furthest thing from the truth. I had to CHOOSE to get better, it wasn’t something that was just going to happen TO me.
I had to learn first and foremost, how to change my thinking. I had to replace the negative thoughts I had that had developed over 13 years of hating everything about myself. I had to counteract those thoughts with ones of love and acceptance. And self-love is not any easy thing. It doesn’t just happen because you say it. It takes time, and it takes a lot of work. I had to learn how to replace my coping mechanisms, mainly self harm, with other ways of dealing with stress and depression. Thoughts of self injury or even suicide didn’t just melt away instantly, but learned not to ruminate on them and instead pour myself into productive distractions.
I chose to fight for my life. I stayed and learned how to fight the lies of depression with the Truth. The truth that I am worthy. That I am deserving of love.
That I was made to love others, meet others where they are hurting, and help them find healing. That I am NOT beyond redemption. That my life serves a purpose that is bigger than myself.
My HOPE lies in my future.
In all the people, places and things that helped me to STAY.
Hope Rising Project 