As many people do at the start of each year, I sit down and decide what I want the year ahead to hold. And in order to do that I choose a word to focus on. For 2015 that word was RECOVERY.
I wanted to really tackle the things that have been holding me back. I know now it is so much more than just marks on a calendar…counting the days since the last time i picked up a razor. It is so much more than avoiding counting calories and throwing away half a dozen bottles of diet pills.
On January 1st,2015 at 12:00am I was not happily ringing in the new year. I was curled up on the floor of a bathroom stall (not for the first time) digging into my skin. My mind was a battlefield. I hated everything I saw in the mirror, I hated every feeling that was wrecking my fragile heart. I was broken and lost and in a dark place.
The months before were filled with nights of binge drinking and questionable decisions. I was trying to fill a void in my life, and I couldn’t. I would numb myself for a few hours, but with the light of day I once again had more reasons to hate the person I was becoming. Yes, I was smiling on the outside…and according to social media, I was having the time of my life. I was living life the way a 27 year old “should.” But I was slipping away. So many nights, I sobbed myself to sleep just hoping for sweet relief.
So when the new year began, I knew I had to make a change.
I chose to give myself a real chance at a real life.
I have walked the road of recovery before, I had 3 years under my belt. I thought I was healthy….but I was just really good at self control until something came into my life that I couldn’t handle.
Over the last year I have done so much more than just thrown the razor away. Each and every day in the good and the bad, I chose Recovery. I chose to allow myself to experience negative emotions and not allow myself to wallow in them. I learned how to combat negative self talk with words of wisdom and love. I learned how to face situations even when I knew they would hurt me, rather than running away. I learned that it is not about how many days are marked off on the calendar, because each day was a victory and a lesson.
So as this year comes to a close, I can really say I am celebrating recovery.