One day I am going to be doing what I love for a living. I will be helping people, pouring out that which has already been poured out onto me. And that is a sobering thought, because for the longest time I did not even believe that was possible for me. I had no idea what my future would hold, or if I would even have a future to look forward to. The pain and the trauma of my life at those stages, took away my ability to believe in the possibility of something positive for me.
At 13 years of age struggling with an eating disorder, depression and self injury. Each day was a trial. Struggling to fit in..and feeling defeated each and every single day. Making decisions, many wrong decisions that would change my life, for the worse not the better, and losing the essence of myself in the process. I was lost in a world that told me I was not “worth it” because I didn’t fit the standards of my peers.
Finally in high school, I found my place..found friends who loved me for me, quirks and all. And for a while the negative thoughts went away and I struggled to stand on my feet, and I did. I stood strong..and happy, and healthy for the first time in many years. It was just what I needed in my life. But, it didn’t last long. Decisions were made, taking me away from the one support system I had ever been able to develop. Away from positive influences and experiences, because of one or two experiences that did not fit the “standards” of my family unit. So in the blink of an eye, my world changed again. Placed in an environment where I could not be myself, where I was judged for everything I said, and did, and wore. I found a few friends in this new school, but it was still not enough to quench the negativity I endured day in and day out. The depression grew deeper and I ran back to old comforts, until they became an addiction I could not shake. Then came hospitals, and therapists, and disappointing my family for not being “strong enough” to face these issues. For years, on the outside, it was under control. To others I was happy and healthy and “whole”, but inside I was empty. Going through the motions.
At 19. I lost hope completely. I gave up. On myself. On my situation. On the possibility of ever getting better. On ever beating the addiction. On never feeling whole.
I gave up on my life. And I made the decision to end it.
That day should have been the end to that tragic tale. Instead, it became Day One. The beginning of a new life. It wasn’t an easy road. There have been many ups and downs along this road.
But I finally found my worth. Pushed past the negative thoughts and emotions. Got the real help I so desperately needed. Stepped away from the addiction that had gripped my life for over a decade. Gave my life over to God, and surrendered completely.
My faith community was the catalyst that allowed me to finally change my life. By turning my thoughts away from my addictions and towards the cross. I finally let myself fall in love with myself and see my worth because I fell in love with Jesus. And even when I stumbled and relapsed, they never once judged me or said I was weak or a failure. They welcomed me with open arms and helped me to get back on my feet again, and lead me back to the cross.
I never thought I would be here.
Happy, Healthy, Stronger than ever.
In love with God,myself and my Life.
I owe it all to Jesus.
He saved me, and rescued me from the miry pit of my life…so that I could use my story to help others.
It is my story and I will never cease to tell it.