I enter this year once again with the hope that will be different…better than the year behind me. But unlike last year, I am aware that mere optimism and whimsy will not create the changes I want to see in my life and in the world around me.
As I have said before last year was an extremely difficult one for me, I believe a lot of that stems from the fact that I did not have a plan. I wanted change, I believed for change but I did not work for change.
So this year I resolve to make changes in my life that will not only last or affect the first few months of the year but have a lasting impact on my life.
This Year I Resolve:
-To focus on self care.
My passion in life is to help others, But I realize that in order to be an effective helper I must first get the help I need. I need to be healthy enough to help others carry the burdens they face. For me this means going back to therapy to relearn better coping skills, work through some of the traumas of the last year and just improve my overall mental health. Last year I relapsed into some old self injurious behaviors and struggled once again with an eating disorder and my body image. Going back into therapy is a struggle for me. It will mean taking a step back from school until I am healthy enough to put the skills I am learning to the test. I still struggle with the fear of the stigma and the consequences in the workplace that I face by going back to therapy. But that will not stop me. I fight every day to break down that stigma and shame for others, and I will not be ashamed to admit I need help.
-To pour my passions into helping others.
Once I have taken the steps to take care of myself, and I feel strong enough to help others I want to dive in as much as I can. While being on the frontlines may not be suitable for me until next year, there are so many other projects I can participate in, My first task will once again be to participate in the Out of the Darkness Overnight. A challenging 18 mile event that will definitely be a huge part in my own healing process. I would also like to participate in the east coast Overnight event as a crew member to help others complete this journey. I would love to do volunteer work with the Jed Foundation, and my ultimate hope is to be able to apply for the To Write Love on Her Arms internship program for next fall.
– To devote some time each day or at least each week to the things that revive me.
I am a creative. I was born this way. I feel most alive when I am lost in the music flowing through my body, and being translated into a secret language of my hands and feet,
Words. on my lips. flowing from pen to paper. I need to write..,I am called to speak. I must not silence the words that ache to flow forth.
-To love myself the way God loves me…even when it feels hard to do.
This may be the most difficult one for me. I want to fall so deeply in love with the person He created me to be that I will never again doubt my purpose on this earth. To be so enamored with the design of the Creator that I will never again feel the need to go to drastic measures to change parts of myself. To know the Love of the Father so deeply that I will never again need to express the pain of heartbreak and loneliness by waging war on my own skin. To be at peace that I am exactly who I am meant to be.