There is a word that runs back and forth and all aroud in my mind and it tries to taunt me and break me down:
I strive to break down the walls that keep people like me silent. I strive to break past the barriers that want to label me as nothing more than the thing I struggle with. I fight for honesty and transpaprency even when it is hard to admit and may well cost me everything I have worked for. That word stares at me and it is all I can do to want to ignore it. But if I did, I wouldn’t be honest with myself or anyone else
For the past 6 months my life started taking a turn for the worst and before I even realized it I was spiraling out of control. Right before my eyes I watched as recovery vanished into red lines on my wrists and legs.
I have struggled to come to terms with this. I have ran over the last few months in my mind thinking how could I not see the signs. Why didn’t I slow down and just take care of my self? I have struggled to forgive myself.
That word stares back at me and wants to break me. It wants me to believe that it has all been for nothing because I am right back where I started. That word wants me to believe that I am nothing but disapointment to myself and others. That word wants me to believe that now my story means nothing because there is no longer a story to tell. Nothing to speak of hope and healing and faith in a time like this.
BUT ALL THOSE THINGS ARE WRONG.
This SETBACK in my life is only a STEP BACK because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am NOT that person I was 3 years ago.
I will not be the broken person who cannot move past this. I will not be the person who lets an addiction take hold and rob me of the things I desire most in this life. I will not crawl back into the dark place I once was.
I am strong. I will fight this. I will move forward. I will pursue my dreams and watch them come true. I will continue writing this story because it is not over. Not until I say so.
I am human.
I made mistakes.
They will not define me.
I will not let them.
March is Self Injury awareness Month. So i use this time, to stop hiding behind the smiles, roll up my sleeves and really talk about the things that matter.
I am more than just lines on my wrist. I am a warrior. I am still here and that means I still have the chance to make each day better than the last.